There are some nasty bugs going around these days. People are dying from the flu for cryin’ out loud! Well my Beautiful Girlfriend and I have been getting our flu shots for several years now, and so far so good, I think. However, the flu shot doesn’t catch everything, so once in awhile something seems to slip past the radar.

Take last Wednesday, for example. There I was minding my own business, being unsick and feeling pretty good when my Beautiful Girlfriend started to come down with something nasty. Coughing, feeling run down, coughing, muscle and joint pain from head to toe, fever, chills, loss of appetite, and oh did I mention the coughing?? Yes, much coughing.

Being the loving husband I am, I gave her a kiss on the lips just before bed that night. WHAT WAS I THINKING?? OK, I know what I was thinking… I was thinking it’s time for bed and therefore I kiss my Honey Pie before retiring. Pretty normal for a happily married man to think, right? Well if any of you are in the medical profession, you know that kissing someone on the lips is not exactly “sterile procedure.” And even if you’re not, you probably know enough not to kiss a sickie on the lips.

But I did.

And almost immediately afterward, I thought to myself, “uh-oh.”

Well my Lovely Lady had some sort of nasty virus. And by kissing her I pretty much volunteered for what came next. Yep, a mere two days later I started feeling like crap. Both of us were in bed for several days, and at one point I asked her if I should call Hospice. I was of course making a “sick joke” (get it, sick… joke) but very quickly after the words came out of my mouth I thought of loved ones whom I’ve accompanied during their Hospice journeys and it wasn’t so funny any more.

After a few days we went to the doctor, and she gave my Lovely Lady a flu test. Negative for influenza. Well that was good! So of course we asked, “what is it then?” “Some other nasty virus,” she said. “Go home, get some rest, drink plenty of fluids, and call if it keeps getting worse.” Sheesh! We were hoping for some sort of magic wand or something in the form of a medication or maybe a spell to drive evil spirits away. Back home we went, and I made yet another pot of soup with herbs and homegrown garlic in a vain attempt at killing whatever this damn bug was.

I’m getting better… slowly. She is too, but my Poor Baby is still coughing very hard. Oh, and my skin is starting to sprout little TV antennas every couple inches and both my big toes have flattened out to the size of ping pong paddles. Other than that and the glow-in-the-dark snot blobs that fly out of my nose when I sneeze, I’m doing fine.

Well in case you haven’t been sick yet, here are some instructions on how to catch a cold…

I’m going to spend a little time shamelessly showing my age in this week’s edition of “Happy Friday!!!” I’m not afraid to admit it, I’m a Baby Boomer… born in 1954 and very OK with it. Growing up was a challenge at times, and in times of stress I turned to the entertainment media of the time which were TV (in glorious black and white) and of course AM radio. And yes, kids, AM radio is still alive and well; although the programming certainly has changed over the years.

TV was OK… it did provide a valuable escape from reality during childhood. When I look back on it, the words of the Talking Heads song, “Love For Sale” (<–click here) come to mind: “I was born in a house with the television always on…”

But when it came to real escape, for me anyway, AM radio was at the top of the heap. That’s because all the cool music of the day was being blasted to the masses all over the radio dial. Growing up on Long Island, New York gave us 24 / 7 access to stations like 77 WABC and 1010 WINS, which featured Disk Jockeys with names like Cousin Brucie and Murray the K.

However, a traumatic event happened to us kids in 1966. Our father took a job in northern Wisconsin. Not only were we experiencing a huge culture shock; but our music was GONE!! Well, OK it was still there, but we couldn’t get to it.  We had no money for records; and even if we got our mitts on a record, Dad’s stereo was strictly off limits to us kids.  So, the radio was our gateway to the musical universe; and the only AM stations available in the daytime played twang-twang country music or polkas.

Gack!!

There was hope… the ionosphere came to our rescue when the sun went down. “Huh??” you might say. Let me explain: the sun’s radiation energizes various upper layers of the atmosphere; and certain radio waves bounce off these ionized layers and are directed back to earth. It’s a phenomenon known as “skip;” and is somewhat reminiscent of a stone skipping on water. Anyway, after the sun went down, AM radio signals from Chicago would come in really well and voila!! our music returned to us.

Now we were listening to our rock ‘n roll primarily on WLS and WCFL, with DJs like Larry Lujack and Dick Biondi. Both stations were great, but WCFL brought us something extra: “Chickenman!!! He’s everywhere he’s everywhere!!!” Now if you remember that, you’re at least as old as I am. And if you’re as old as I am, I really hope you remember Chickenman.

Sadly, Dick Orkin, the creator of Chickenman, passed to the Great Beyond last Sunday; he was 84. An amazingly talented man, he also created “The Secret Adventures of the Tooth Fairy;” and went on to create wonderfully funny radio commercials. In honor of his awesome humor, I’d like to share of his work I found on YouTube.

So kids, for this week’s “video” I inserted a couple of fun entries:  someone created some animation to accompany an entry called “Chickenman, Episode 1.”  Each radio episode of Chickenman had the began with the shouting of “Chickenman… he’s everywhere!!!  He’s everywhere!!”

The video is followed by the album “The Best of Chickenman.” I hope you can sit back, relax, and let your ears drink the intoxicating humor that only Chickenman could offer.

When I got home today, my Beautiful Girlfriend had the stereo blasting Celine Dion singing “Another Year Has Gone By,” (← click to hear it). She always wants me to dance with her to that song; and since I really like being married to her, I quickly got out of my coat and embraced her as we shuffled about in the kitchen and both became completely mooshy.

As we danced, she blurted out, “45 Christmases… what the F*@# ?!?! “ And in case you’re wondering, yes, there was a very naughty expletive at the end of that exclamation. She wasn’t saying it out of exasperation or annoyance; she was merely letting loose her amazement at the fact that we’ve had 45 Christmases together. So many years, but it all went so very quickly!! There may be some of you out there in blog reading land that can relate; but for you youngsters…

Anyway, I’m writing this to wish that all of YOU a very Happy Holiday Season. I truly hope you are all blessed; I’m very sure that I am. As I was telling a friend recently, “I’m not rich, but I’ve been wealthy for many years.” In other words, for whatever reason I’ve been given the opportunity to become happy, joyous, and free. Took some years of growing pains to get there; but oh my goodness it has certainly been worth it.

Of course, I still know how to get my buns in a bunch when things don’t go exactly the way I would like. Lost my cool just yesterday actually; because I just got home from a business trip that “took 3 days from my chores schedule.” We heat with wood you see, and that means I move several loads from outside to inside to keep a constant supply of dry logs available. There was a winter weather advisory yesterday, and although we needed to do some last minute Holiday grocery shopping, I was freaking out about beating the weather. My poor Amazing Wife was very patient with me and my childishness… I was grumpy and hurrying to get home so I could throw some firewood into the basement before the rain or snow arrived. As it turned out, all my rushing was for naught; the Weather Goddess smiled on me. Thankfully I’ve learned to apologize for being a knuckle head much more quickly (and sincerely) than in the “good old days.” And yes, I meant “good old days” sarcastically.

My Lovely Bride and I have been soulmates since we were 17, for crying out loud. We were basically children when our relationship began. We pretty much grew up together; meaning we learned “how to adult” together. Sometimes it got rather icky, but we persevered with love and made it through all the crappy stuff. These days, our icky stuff is much less stinky and doesn’t linger very long at all. Our friendship, love, and devotion has never been stronger, and continues to grow.

Does that sound gooey or what??

Yeah, it probably does, but too bad. This time of the year has always given me pause to reflect on then versus now. We just got done watching two of our favorite Holiday movies with some dear friends: “Miracle On 34^th Street,” and the 1951 version of “Scrooge.” Both flicks make me all mooshy… and with “Scrooge,” forget about it awreddy, I cry like a baby at the end. It’s all about transformation… and thanks to The People Upstairs, some 28 years ago I received an opportunity to start setting things right after blundering through life; attacking everyday problems like a raging lunatic with a chainsaw and a sledgehammer. Took me about 18 years worth of weeping and gnashing of teeth to see the light, but I’m ever so grateful for my life today.

My Beautiful Soulmate Girlfriend Wife person and I are blessed indeed. Our life just keeps getting better; and it has nothing to do with money or things. May All of You receive at least as many blessings.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all!!

Hope Santa is ready…

Ten days from now, millions of kids both young and old will be tearing into wrapping paper and gift bags to see what Santa brought. These last days before the Holiday, however, can be hectic and even stressful. We grownups try to find solace in each others’ misery; hoping that at least one person is as ill-prepared as we are for the Big Day. Today at work I had just such a conversation with a friend, who asked the age-old question:

“So, you ready for Christmas??”

“Kinda… still have a few things to get. Oh and I wanna get over to the dollar store and get some kippered herring for the kids;” I replied.

“You buy tins of herring for Christmas??” she asked with wrinkled brows.

“Well, they were raised by a Norwegian, so yeah my kids love kippered herring. I try to make sure I get a few cans for stocking stuffers.”

I don’t think she’s going to run out for any last minute herring purchases, but then she shared her plans for the Holiday.

It’s a busy time of year for many of us. Buying gifts, family gatherings, visiting with friends, baking and cooking all seem to fill our schedules with delightful zooming so we can squeeze love and fun into every last minute.

And then there’s work… that 4-letter word we all revere so highly. My fellow computer flunkies and I have been handed some aggressive deadlines to be completed by the end of the year. It’s always such a treat to get very short notice on things that need to be done before the end of December (sarcasm definitely intended).

One of the better things, for me at least, is being old enough to remember when The Beatles came to the U.S. on the Mayflower. It’s not the aging I relish so much as the ability to take things in stride because of having “been there, done that.” I’ve come to a point in my life where, although I still know how to get my knickers in knots, the severity of my serenity alarm’s clanging is a much smaller magnitude than in “the good old days.” Of course I still complain… but I get over it faster. And a bonus: I’m less self conscious and a bit more other people conscious.

Example: I zoomed out of bed the other morning to get all my chores done before heading to work. We got some snow, so I knew the drive would take a little longer. Got dressed, fed the cat, got the coffee, hit the bathroom, brushed my hair, made the fires (we heat with sticks), gathered up all my lunch things and out the door I went.

Decided to treat myself to some breakfast sandwiches and a thingy of orange juice (one of each for two days’ breakfasts) from the local gas station; and I couldn’t help but notice that folks were looking at me a bit longer than normal. When I zipped back to the car, I caught my reflection in the window and saw this strange looking fellow looking back at me. Well, it was me of course, and some of my hair apparently didn’t make it to the pony tail; and was looking rather floofy. Couple that with my very-recently-out-of-bed-not-very-awake-yet face and I don’t think I’d win any beauty contests. Upon seeing my reflection I was instantly aware of why folks were staring at me; and I started laughing rather bigly.

So this being up in years business has really helped me learn (sometimes the hard way) not to take myself too seriously. And although the Holiday season has my brain a-crankin’ at times, I can write a “Happy Friday!!!” and remind myself to slow my mind… breathe… easy does it… ahhhh that’s better.   Please note: I haven’t said anything about being mature. I’m still way too young to grow up completely!

If you’ve read this far, thanks. Writing this was good therapy. I was getting a bit ornery and even glum (mostly because I have to travel for work for 3 days this coming week) (waahhh waahhh waahhh); and I need to stay out of the stinky part of my brain and just enjoy the moment. That, of course, goes for every moment of every day, not just the ones during the Holidays (although those are pretty special).

So I’ll be making Christmas right up to the very end, just like very other year.

And the years have helped me understand that’s pretty darned OK.

Speaking of videos… how about more than one this week?  I heard this recently on my favorite Canadian radio station (Zoomer Radio:  740 on your AM dial when it’s dark outside) and it really tickled my inner child. The second one is a song that was on the radio when I was a wee one… the animation someone added is a bit funky but hey, better than anything I could do.

Hope all of you enjoy.

Dear Loving Reader People,

I would like to start off by yelling a VERY HAPPY DECEMBER to all who care to hear it. For many of us, this month ushers in the Holiday Season, which actually started around Hallowe’en some time but it’s really here now with all the fancy TV commercials and marketing gimmicks and Holy Wondoony Sales Events that chingle the golden hearts of even the most miserly people; many of whom are not at all aware of the fact that their giving spirit will soon embrace their MoneyBrains and will cause them to either buy me lots of cool things or just complain that I slammed yet another silly run-on sentence into a Happy Friday Thing just because I haven’t in a long time so the time came when it was time.

To write one.

A run-on sentence.

Not to be confused with sentence fragments.

Like the ones I just built.

Anyway, it’s around this time that I broadcast to all my readers the list of gifts I must receive to satisfy my Truly Important Holiday Requirements. Please understand that if I don’t receive each and every one of the following urgently requested items, I will probably start collecting insect juice in that 12 gallon jar over there. It’s a wonderful accomplishment to fill such a jar, but it’s a rather gruesome process that takes way too long during the winter.

Without any further delay, I hereby bequeath upon you the task of satisfying my lust for material goods with the following list of requirements. I will call it “My Holiday Requirements Lust List.” I’ll try to keep the list short… don’t want to be greedy ya know.

OK, here’s the list:

A. I need a new jar of microwaveable chocolate covered sardines. No need to go to much trouble there, the 174 oz. jar from Leif Erikson’s Lazy Larder will work just fine. The jar I kept hidden I my sock drawer is pretty much empty. Please inspect the jar carefully though, the last one had a small crack in it and I didn’t notice it for 3 weeks. Conversations became awkward…

“Your feet stink!!”

“But I just put clean socks on!!”

“Well, somethin’ ain’t right…they smell like rotten fish!!”

Took a couple months to get my socks smelling nice and clean again.

4. You know that Norwegian cheese that has cloves and caraway in it and tastes so remarkably wow? Well, why did you hide that on top of my car’s muffler last year?? I mean, I like surprises but the fumes nearly burned my eyebrows off when I went looking for the source of the cheesey poofy smoke I noticed when I looked in the rearview mirror on the way home from the Santa’s Helpers Burping Concert last year. Tell you what though, you haven’t lived till you’ve heard “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer” sung in burping harmony!!

R. Looks like I’m gonna need a new shoelace loom. I’ve been weaving my own shoelaces for about 17 millibops now, and it has never really worked out. However, once the cat discovered all the cool knobs made of acorn caps there was simply no effective way to recalibrate the nostril fiber spinning mechanism. Oh never mind… just get me one of those pens that writes under a waterfall instead.

7V. Holy Carp!! Someone stuffed my jeans into the bathtub for a drain plug!! Oh wait… it’s OK. The goldfish are doing fine.

B$. Please e-mail me some new spark plugs for my reciprocating toastermobile. That thing makes the best darn toasted cinnamon bacon popcorn sandwiches this side of Lower Loofonia.

And the last item on my Holiday Requirements Lust List:

47!.

Please be kind to every living thing you meet, and try to remember that we are all Children of The Great Holy Whoever They Are. Offer handshakes; or better yet ask if a hug is needed.  Smile. Try to be grateful; because even our worst days may be much better than someone else’s. And last but not least: Mother Nature loves us, so we need to let her know we love Her, also.

Well that’s enough I think. Hope all is as well with you as it is with me. As a friend of mine says, “90% of the world would love to have the problems I have.”

Peace, Love, and Hugs,

Kenny

Went looking for a video and found this one… not at all topic related but rather unique (or should I say weird??)…

Another Thanksgiving passed already. And with its passing came today, what’s come to be known as “Black Friday.” Although years past were laden with reports of Black Friday madness in the form of actual riots; this year seems calm by comparison. However, just to be sure the “magic” wasn’t lost, I went to Google to see if there were any fresh reports of crazy Black Friday fighting. Of course I wasn’t disappointed; but at least these incidents are fewer now.

Can’t help but wonder if the previous Black Fridays were a total set up. These days, Black Friday deals have been going on for what seems like weeks. So were we all used as stooges by the retailers initially? Maybe… but one could argue that’s still the case today.

Anyway, my Beautiful Girlfriend and our Beautiful Friend Mike’s Beautiful Girlfriend took a sojourn into Black Friday Land today. Sounds like they had fun hanging out together and saving a few bucks on stuff. Sounds like they didn’t have so much fun standing in lines waiting to get stuff; but hey, it’s all part of the Black Friday Fun.

I guess…

I celebrated Black Friday by going to the grocery store. Needed to pick up a few things for this Sunday’s 3^rd Thanksgiving Dinner that my Honey Pie and I are fortunate enough to enjoy. The difference with this one is that I have to cook… which reminds me, I need to get the pies out of the oven!! Be right back…

OK… back now.

I make our Sunday After Thanksgiving Dinner modeled after my Mom’s recipes. Well, kinda. Her stuffing was simply the very best on the planet, and I’ve managed to make a pretty good rendition of her recipe that never existed; as far as I know. I used to watch her make stuffing, stale bread chopped up and mixed with milk, eggs, parsley flakes, celery, onions, and salt and pepper. She never used a recipe, but would toil over the mix and add this or that to the huge bowl to make the smell and consistency the way she wanted. Some was for the cavity of the turkey, some was for “stuffin’ muffins;” where she’d spoon in big dollops of stuffing into paper muffin cups all arranged in the muffin pans. Not only did these serve to fend off us hungry kids, the stuffing was always immensely delicious.

Anyway, there will be stuffin’ muffins, mashed potatoes and gravy, broccoli, squash, and of course the turkey. Pies are made ahead of time, and I make the punkin pie with grey hubbard squash instead of pumpkin because the flavor is so much more wonderful. And of course it will be served with homemade whipped cream. Pie making happened after the sun went down, which is happening all too quickly these days.

During the day I enjoyed the company of a wheelbarrow and a wood pile. I’ll probably be a wood slave for the rest of my adult life, or at least as long as I’m able to do it. Saves us money; gives me exercise, and the warmth that burning logs gives your bones is much more wonderful than natural gas or propane. Often I can’t help but think of the old adage, “how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” And very quickly afterward I smile as I recall hearing my sister’s answer from when she was very young: “woodchuck woodchuck woody woody woodchuck, woodchuck would chuck wood.”

Sounds good to me… and being a “woodchuck” makes much more sense to me than any of that Black Friday nonsense.

I wonder if our pets love turkey as much as we do…

Seems very early to me, but according to the Giant Electronic Media Universe (GEMU), the Holiday Season has begun, and Christmas is just around the corner. And you know what that means, right? YES!! The GEMU wants you to spend money! Well, I have something I’d like to vonkulate that I believe is much more important than money. It’s a Holiday Letter For You, Whom I May Not Know But Love Anyway (even if maybe I don’t like you).  So without further ado, here is my first (but probably not the last) Holiday Hello To All Who Care To Receive It:

Hello Jingle Hair,

If you are reading this letter, please remember the following 3 reasons why I think that you, personally, the reader of this is just plain wonderful:

1) You are a special person.

R) You never called me on the phone to shame me after I sold all my compost to the Jelly Consortium, and

6) You have never put a swordfish in my car.

Therefore, I must urge you to receive the following heartfelt Season’s Greeting.  If you don’t enjoy and have a Happy Merry and Joyful Wonderful, I will squash. I’m telling you now and you can believe me later, you must have a nice Holiday and be with those who love you. Offer them soda and nice candy. Or celery with a nice fried radish gravy. Maybe you could go the extra mile and provide a plate on which to put the soda gravy and the fried radish candy. Whatever you end up doing, smile gently and belch often. This is the mark of a happy person.

Enjoy Christmas. Even if you are a Buddhist or like to sing about Harry Kirschner in the airport, please have a wonderful Christmas Time. That’s because Christmas is a time of great joy, regardless of who your Holy Mackerel is. I mean really, Santa has become pretty much nondenominational when you think about it. Please remember, though, that Christmas should be celebrated each and every day of your living life of being alive. That is my professional opinion. We must be nice to everyone we meet, especially kakaheads. Kakaheads are sad inside. Some of them are sad on the outside also, and may even have a bad odor. Love them anyway. The Big Holy Remarkable makes no junk. If you don’t believe me, well too darn bad.

Try to put resentments and grudges in the garbage before they begin to cause soul rot. Yes, that’s right, stuff those grudges in the trash, walk away, and don’t go digging them back out of there. Some folks think it’s a good idea to hold grudges. Some go as far as to hold a grudge for years even!! Well, as its name implies, a grudge is truly an unpleasant thing. I mean, its name doesn’t even sound pleasant, now does it?? “Grudge.” I just said it out loud for a test. Sounds like some one is having difficulty while sitting on the potty or something. “Grudge. Oooommppfff. Grrruuuddgge.” Yup, that’s just plain gross.

Took me a while to learn, but I no longer can hold a grudge for very long. Holding anything for even a few hours makes your hands sweaty at the very least. Sweaty things can be kind of disgusting after a while, so if you must hold a grudge for any length of time, please try to pause to wash it occasionally. You might find that after washing your grudges, they become so clean they won’t be very grudgey anymore. Then maybe you can let go of them. Put them down. Let them outside. Suggest maybe they play in traffic. Set them free, ya know???

I hear some folks say, “yesterday of several years ago, I was wronged and had much anguish.  Now I am sad that yesterday was so bad.  Everyone must hear me on this matter and pay attention to my misfortune.”  To these folks I say to you all now: yesterday has already oozed through the colander of life. You cannot rebuild it. The dirt fell off the yesterday wagon many flingles ago, and nothing anyone can do will bring yesterday back. Forgive those who wronged you and move along, lest you lose your place in the dessert line of happiness.

Some other folks say, “oh Holy Wah, tomorrow is gonna be horrible.  I just can’t imagine how horrible it will be.  I am pretty sure that since yesterday was gocky, tomorrow will be at least as bad, maybe even worse.  It could maybe be better but I sure doubt it.”  Well, I have never been able to smell anything from tomorrow yet, but God knows I’ve tried. When I was much younger than I am today, I was told that during a camping trip I sat up in my sleeping bag in the wee hours of the night and happily announced, “good morning everybody, it’s tomorrow now!!” Upon uttering this, I’m told, I snuggled back into my sleeping bag and zonked until the sun woke us all up. I had no recollection of this event. So even though I thought I smelled tomorrow, it was a dream. I think. One thing I’m sure of: tomorrow is not a given. No one can be absolutely sure it will come. We sure hope it will, but we can’t prove that it will be there. That being said, there’s no way in fooja-looga we can tell what’s gonna happen on the day after today.

So the point is this: today is a gift. That’s why it’s called “The Present.” Isn’t that nice and wizzly?? We get a new present each and every day. Very cool, because no matter how much money we have or don’t have, we still get at least one present every day. We can learn from the past, but we can’t change it. We all hope tomorrow comes, but that’s not a for-sure type thing. So, today is what matters. What we do with any given moment can change the past for the better, one moment at a time. We would all do well if we tried to fill each moment available to us with love. Sure, we are human and will fall short of such a lofty ideal, but it doesn’t hurt to try. Progress, not perfection, ya know? Unfortunately though, I’ve noticed that some people say that they care about folks, but go out of their way to stir up trouble. Sometimes they respond with love for awhile and then go back to the same-old same-old. Too bad for them. They are the lonely ones. We must pray for them, and help them if possible.

Then again, some of the lonely ones want nothing to do with changing their sadness. Then I am reminded of the words of Duane, the great philosopher (well OK, he’s a friend), who once told me: “Do not try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.” So what in the world does all this spewing and Duane the philosophering have to do with a Holiday Season Remarkable Hello?? Well, ok, I’ll stop with the floofing and bonkling. Just please go forth and be happy, jingly and cronkulous. Please don’t make your holiday crapulent, however. Too much crapulence is a very crapulent thing. And remember that it’s always better to be you than for you to be me, and that although you can number things 1 through 8, eight is actually a word. You can pick unripe radishes and they will still be red. Squid don’t require drivers licenses. Grapefruit are not really grape fruit. Well, ok, they’re fruit, but if they made grapes that tasted like the citrus stuff, well wine would be much different now wouldn’t it??

Have a great Holiday World. I’m going to sleep in a lot. That will be nice.

Jingle dee dee,

Ken

a.k.a. Monkey Head Jones

Maybe during one of my Holiday Naps I’ll venture off to Dreamland…

They dwell among us.

The undead.

They’re evil, wicked, mean and nasty.

KIDS!!!! AAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!

All the little monsters are getting ready for the Great Sugar Rush to fill their headbones with sucrose and chocolaty mish mash moosh until they vow never to eat any more Mary Janes, Neccos, or Snickers. You can already catch the scent of candy in the plastic pumpkins. Wonderful sugar pushers are already bringing in the deadly stuff to the workplace. Horrible things like candy corn, miniature chocolate bars, malt balls, and even Neapolitan cookies!! Yeah, you know, those wafer things that come in vanilla, chocolate and strawberry flavors.

Well, those people are all conspiring against me. They share a common goal: to cause me to binge on sweets so my britches will pop, my eyes will roll to the back of my head, and I’ll fall down in a nice pile of leaves with a big sugar-eating grin on my face. I have only one thing to say to all you sugar monkeys: I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH. COME LIVE WITH ME.

Ooops!! I said two things. That’s ok, I don’t mind. Two things are better than one. May I have another malt ball please?? Thank you. Now my teeth are brown with delight, and I shall never pressure wash them again.

Hallowe’en is a most magical time of the year, darn it. Young monsters roaming the streets, and gathering all those yummy remarkables. These days we take the grandkids trick or treating. Our own kids of course are older now, and I confess I miss the very important chore we had to bear as parents each Hallowe’en: to check the loot when they get home. Conversation during such safety checks went much like this:

“This Mr. Goodbar looks like it’s been tampered with. Guess I better taste it to make sure.”

“DAAaad!! How come it’s only the Mr. Goodbars that are defective?? That’s the thirteenth one you ‘tested’ so far.”

“Well, ok, they’re probably alright. Oooo!! Snickers! That one looks a little… yep! There’s a tiny hole right here! Gotta open it up…”

“Gimme that back!! MOM! Dad’s eating all my candy!!”

“SSSsshhh!! OK, OK!! Here!!”

Of course, as monster kids grow up, Hallowe’en activities change. One thing has remained the same though: we’re privileged to have them over to carve pumpkins. Nowadays that includes the grandkids, which of course is way cool. The traditional photo session at the end of all the carving artistry involves one picture with the lights on, and one with the lights off; while the flickering candle light of the jack o’ lanterns lights up our faces.

Before the kids were grown, past Hallowe’ens came with the traditional parental warnings: don’t harm anything. No eggs. No mayonnaise. Nasty stains with that stuff. No breaking things. Soap, shaving cream, now there’s some party favors! Our son once mentioned maybe plastic wrap might be nice.

“What, no toilet paper?? Anyhow, what the heck do you do with the plastic wrap?”

“Wrap up someone’s mailbox! Hee hee!!”

“Ummm, yeah, ok man, whatever you say.”

Sounded like fun to be honest…

After digging into my own childhood memory box I recalled when some friends of mine wrapped this guy’s motorcycle in MANY layers of hiney wipe. Poor dude parked his bike inside a gas station, where one of the pranksters worked. Right across the street from the grocery store. Talk about your supply and demand! So I was kinda keen on Nate doing a big TP job, because I never had the guts to do that when I was a kid. I was scared to death of my dad in those days; and I didn’t want the skin removed from my posterior.

At our house, we pretty much allowed harmless pranks. A well done toilet paper job is pretty cool, actually. Until it rains. Got a bit concerned once when our daughter informed us about some interesting plans, though.

“Where you goin’ tonight, Punkin?”

“We’re goin’ go to Ryan’s house and fork them!”

“SAY WHAT??!!”

“You know, you buy a few boxes of plastic forks and stick them all in the lawn!”

OK so that sounded like fun to me too! Can you imagine the parents waking up in the morning??

“Wake up, dear!!”

“Why, what’s wrong??”

“We’ve been forked!”

“O God, NO!!”

Hey, there’s lots worse these monsters can get into. We tried not to suppress their creativity, so long as it was harmless fun. In other words, we stayed involved enough in their lives to know what they were doing.

Anyhow, since they’re older now, trick-or-treating is slowly setting sail on the ship to Memory Island. But you know what? Sometimes I miss all those free “possibly defective” chocolate bars the kids used to bring home by the bushel. However, we have been known to mooch a little from the grandkids. We don’t do “safety checks” anymore, that’s Mom and Dad’s job.

I know, maybe I’ll dress up like a coffee table or something and go myself!! On the other hand, maybe I could go shopping!! Let’s see there’s all this candy; but wait… plastic forks, shaving cream, toilet paper, plastic wrap… Plastic wrap?? Yeah, why not??!!

Happy Hallowe’en, all you Flavorheads!! By the way, that Mr. Goodbar looks like it’s been tampered with a bit…

Well if you’ve ever visited this silly site before, you know I love old cartoons.  In keeping with the spirit of the season, here are a couple of my favorites.