Many moons ago, before the rock stars died, there lived a Tyrannosaurus Rex that played Jeepster. And they rocked the house many times, and it was pretty darn good. And yes, maybe I’m speaking in code, but those of you who grew up when I did may actually know that all that means.

The T.Rex performances were in the 1970s, when technology was a bit different than today.  For example, when people wanted to go somewhere they used a very strange method: they used maps.

Now we have GPS units readily available and pretty inexpensive, too. More and more people are abandoning maps (and lots of other non-electronic things) for computerized toys. I’m beginning to wonder if the ability to read a map is slowly becoming a lost art.

Mind you, I am a self confessed road atlas addict. Ever since I’ve owned a car, I’ve made really sure there was a Rand McNally Road Atlas stashed in it somewhere. I mean hey kids, I don’t really care what language your GPS unit will use to tell you what turn to take. Maps are the cat’s meow in my universe. As I’ve gotten older I even have extended my map collection to a Michigan County Maps atlas. Now that’s livin’ large in my world.

Friends are often surprised to learn that I have absolutely no desire to get a GPS for my car; especially since I commute 56 miles one way to work. They figure such a device could come in handy when the snows or an accident bring traffic to a crawl and I seek an alternate route. And since they know I work in computer support, they are often baffled by my lack of interest in the latest cool electronic doohickey.

Well yes, I work in the computer field, but although technology provides me with a pretty good living; gadgets have ceased to amaze me. Don’t get me wrong, I think toys can be cool. I just don’t need any more junk. I’m guilty of owning plenty of stuff that’s not exactly eco-friendly: televisions, a computer, cell phone, etc. Don’t kid yourselves folks, none of these devices are completely recyclable. Some of it simply cannot be reused. So, my philosophy is to buy the best quality stuff I can so it will last lots of years. Conversely, my philosophy is NOT to buy stuff that will become obsolete quickly.

As far as the GPS stuff goes, my lovely girlfriend and I actually enjoy taking a wrong turn every now and again. Brings a little adventure into our lives; and helps us hone our map reading skills. OK I admit I did ask for a GPS for Christmas one year; but it’s the kind that will never need batteries. It sat on top of the dashboard of my 2003 Toyota Corolla and gave me a general idea which way I was headed. You may have seen one before, here’s a picture of mine:

As you may have guessed, this particular GPS is also called a compass. Some of you may say, “umm… Ken, that’s not a GPS.” Well of course it is; my friend Dave at work told me so. When I was joking about “my new GPS” after Santa brought it to me, he said, “well yeah… it’s a General Pointing System!”

Came in very handy; especially when I got stuck in traffic. If I was on my way home from where I worked in Grand Rapids (Michigan), and ran into some heavy traffic, I’d just zig and zag through the back roads until the car was pointed west. Pretty hard to go too far west here in Michigan unless you have an amphibious car. So even if I’m totally confused; as long as I can get to the Lake Michigan shoreline I can find my way home from there. These days, our son has the Toyota and I drive a brand new 2001 Chrysler Town & Country. It also has a GPS compass thing, but it’s an actual digital readout!! Much easier to read when it’s dark!!

Even though I like to take alternate routes; I stay on the roads; unlike some of my Jeepster owning friends. I don’t really like the practice, but a few of my friends have Jeeps or maybe Toyota Land Cruisers that will go places where my car would never be able to visit. So I’m a Jeepster of a different kind… a GPSter. I’ll still pronounce it “Jeepster” though, because I love the song.  I even sing it to my Beautiful Girlfriend every now and again.

Which song?? Remember that Tyrannosaurus Rex I mentioned at the beginning of this silly story?

This song:

Once upon a time we inherited a duplex which was a million percent awesome because our son was down on his luck and needed a place to stay and God Bless The Renters who pay enough for us to be able to afford taxes and insurance on the place but not much else because you see we hate being landlords so we keep the rent low but always seem to find someone who stays for more than 3 days and doesn’t write satanic messages on the walls with dog poop or try to rewire the washing machine to play CDs and even though it’s a bit of a pain at times we would hate to see our son live in some garbage dump somewhere and Holy Moly this one one long sentence which could have been summed up in just 3 words:

We Are Grateful.

So there I was, minding my own business, when I get a text from our tenant, “we have no heat.” Well that meant a call to the Heater Fixers and a nice guy came out and learned that a circuit board was no good and he said “oh hey there’s 2 inches of water down there in the crawlspace… I have to order the circuit board but we need that water removed before we can come out to fix it;” so I cried and rolled on the floor and thrashed about because what the HECK am I supposed to do so we called ServPro to come clean up the mess and then I canceled because I thought “oh jeez, we clean up water in our swamp house almost every spring, this is no big deal;” but then my Beautiful Girlfriend and I went to clean up the mess with our meager floor pump and shop vac and discovered HOLY MOOPFLAYBEN WE DON’T HAVE ANYWHERE NEAR ENOUGH HOSE AND STUFF FOR THIS so I called ServPro back and they said yes they could come and they arrived quickly and it didn’t break the bank (too badly) and this is yet another run-on sentence that could again be summed up in 3 more words:

We Are Fortunate.

OK. The water issue is taken care of so the heater guy doesn’t have to do the Jingle Jangle Dance while working with electricity in a soggy place and I called the Heater Fixers back and and and (3 ands to illustrate exasperation) they said, “oh, it’s too late in the day so we’ll have to send someone first thing in the morning” and then I said thank you and hung up and cried thrashed about and rolled on the floor because HOLY BEEPDOODLE IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE 14 DEGREES TOMORROW CAN’T THEY PLEASE COME OH JEEZ OH GOD OH NO and then I went home and got a box fan and crawled into the crawlspace (it’s for crawling!) to try to dry the floor a little more and then I told the tenant “Well sorry the Heater Fixer Guy won’t be back till tomorrow morning” and then as I started out the driveway here comes the Heater Fixer Guy and I clasped my hands together in a reverent manner and bowed several times and he said “ya, everyone does that till they see the bill” and this is again once more a very VERY long sentence that could also be shortened into 3 words:

We Are Blessed.

Long story longer, we help with the water; and we got the heat fixed. Someone Upstairs was helping us, of this I have no doubt. Even though I screamed and cried and rolled about on the floor, I was able to maintain a small amount of gratitude each time the tides turned a bit. Then of course a huge basket full of gratitude flowed out of my heart after all was said and done. And those, my friends, are four regular sentences that can be expressed in 5 words:

Thank You God (whoever They are) For Everything. Well, OK 8 words if you count the ones in parentheses.

THE END

And now, as Mr. Cleese used to say, for something completely different… kinda.

So there I was, 36,000 feet in the air, inside a plane, with no parachute, on my way to Allentown, Pennsylvania, traveling for work, and now I’m making a sentence that’s not only way too long but also has too many participles and perhaps even gerunds (gerunds??); and of course I kept maps that I printed from the Googling of Directions, which is probably not really a proper thing but lots of people say it, and although I had all these printed maps with directions they were of little use to me because I didn’t memorize them and so I cried out for Siri.

It was already dark outside when I finally got to the rental car. Even though I had printed directions with maps; it would have been rather difficult at best to follow them without having an accident. I needed help fast, so with blind faith I started talking to Siri.

“Siri,” I said to my iPhone thing, “I need directions to 4100 West Rock Road.” Being the obedient techno-servant that she is, Siri commenced to getting the directions. All I had to do was press the green “Go” button on the phone (while parked of course) (I’m too young to die) and she started telling me where to go. It was the first time I ever tried it, and it only happened because I saw people on the Television Thing talk to their iPhone things in a similar manner. So God bless her, Siri started telling me where to go with step by step instructions. I’m sort of used to having people tell me where to go, so this wasn’t difficult (ha ha, I make joking there).

For the most part, she did a wonderful job!! Although there were three small drawbacks: 1) Siri’s activity was very demanding of my phone’s battery power, L) once she tried to take me to a place that wasn’t there (invisible maybe?), and $) there was one instance where she wanted to drag me where I didn’t want to go. I can understand the drain on the battery; I’m sure a lot is going on in the iPhone Computer Brain Thing so that consumes energy. However, there was one instance in the wee hours of yesterday morning when I was on my way back to the airport. Siri was rattling off directions as I drove through all the serpentine, hilly back roads of the Pennsylvania countryside. We came to an area where she blurted out, “turn left on Penn Avenue.” I saw no Penn Avenue. She said it again, but she didn’t realize I’m not much of a morning person; especially at 3:45 AM. I scolded her thusly: “there’s no Penn Avenue you stupid farblejink!!” Well, OK, I may have really called her a different name using vernacular that refers to a female dog.

Then she wanted me to take a route to the airport that I knew involved a toll road. “No thank you,” I snarled, and I stayed on I-78 a bit longer. In spite of my rudeness she simply adjusted the route and told me where to go again, this time with a route that had no tolls. Such a nice robot lady!!

My professional path has brought me into a job in computer support; so one would think I would have abandoned printed maps long ago. Well although I’m very grateful to Siri for preventing me from getting lost in a strange land, when I travel for fun my navigation is much more primitive. I often use a combination of printed maps, a Rand McNally Road Atlas, and the compass in my car. Sure, Siri makes getting from point A to point B pretty easy… I didn’t really have to think. The only drawback is that I didn’t really learn the lay of the land. I merely learned how to get to places by following orders.

Well speaking of taking orders, I bet Santa is working overtime trying to get HIS orders filled…

Those who know me well are very aware I’m not a sports guy. Never really got into sports when I was a kid… although I did play in Little League for awhile. I wasn’t very good; but I enjoyed it nonetheless. When high school years arrived, I became something of a nerd who was much more interested in getting the grades than in anything sports related.

When the TV is on at our house, it’s almost never because of a sporting event. The only football game we ever see is the Super Bowl; and much of that is because of the commercials and the half time show. My wife and both root for the underdogs, but often we’ll just turn off the game after half time.

Baseball is a bit different; for me anyway. Perhaps that’s because I can actually understand the game. Not much in a baseball game that leaves me puzzled. Football puzzles me from the git-go; because I can’t for the life of me see any sense in running out on a field with the knowledge that someone seeks to drive your nose into the dirt before the game’s over. Pretty violent stuff. No thanks.  To top it off, there are all these flags the referees toss into the field for no apparent reason. I have no idea…

My lack of interest in sports was put on hold this week because of the Chicago Cubs. Those poor fellers have had a very long streak of tough luck. Unless you live in a cave somewhere with no human contact; it’s likely you know they won the World Series after a 108 year dry spell. Pretty darn cool!!

I actually watched most of the games. Even shouted at the players a few times, sometimes with joy and sometimes with annoyance. My Beautiful Girlfriend watched some of the action along with me, but she was pretty bushwhacked after working this past Wednesday; so I turned off the TV and went upstairs to listen to the game on the radio. Rain delayed the game for a bit; and it was past my bed time so I hit the hay with headphones on so I wouldn’t wake up my Honey Pie. When the 10th inning got underway, my Baby started to stir so I asked permission to turn the TV back on to watch the last few minutes. “Honey, can I turn it back on?? I wanna see this!!” “Sure,” she murmured.

Such joy!! Such history!! And such a welcome distraction!! With all the horrible things making headlines and all the election garbage in the media, this was very good medicine. Being the prehistoric relic I am; I still like to listen to AM radio while bopping about in the car. Often I’m tuned into 720 WGN out of Chicago in the morning on the way to work. Until this past Wednesday, the elections have pretty much monopolized the topics of any given day. Since the Cubbies won, though, very little else was being mentioned (thank God!!). This morning, host Steve Cochran asked one of the insiders if there was to be a ticker tape parade for the Cubs today. The answer was yes; then Steve went on to make note that there are no longer any stock tickers in operation these days. The name “ticker tape parade” was quickly reaffirmed though, because “…it sounds much better than a paper parade.”

So Chicago is on fire tonight; but it’s not the destructive kind. They had their ticker tape parade and all the speeches and comradery that goes with such a monumental event. The fires of Love and Happiness are burning brightly in Chi-town as well as much of the rest of the country. So if you’re itching for some good news; tune in just about any Chicago TV or radio station and enjoy the buzz while it lasts.

Can you believe it?? The Cubs won the World Series!!

Grandma Loftus used to sing this one… can’t help but love it…

Well folks, we’ve gone and done it. We went High-Tech!! That’s right… we’ve stepped out of the 70’s and all the way into the 2000’s!! Well not completely… we still still enjoy some of the very old technical things. For example, I have this totally cool Grundig 960 up here in my office. Well, actually it’s a replica; but I love it. It’s one of those old fashioned AM / FM / Shortwave radio thingies with a dial that lights up and everything!!

Oh… and not to forget the recordings. LPs, cassette tapes, CDs… oh and for your viewing pleasure we have many selections on VHS and, yes, DVD. No Blue Ray yet though. And yes, I have equipment that will play all these things.

We still get much of our TV from an antenna. I mean really, who needs more than 34 channels?? Well OK since we got our Roku we can get some TV off the internet and get GOBS of channels; and somewhere along the line my Honey Pie even got addicted to Netflix. Truth be told, there’s probably way too much TV available at our house.

Some of these programs are highly addictive. Compared to some folks, we don’t really watch all that much TV; especially during the warmer months. Heck, in the middle of June we get a smidge over 15 hours of daylight here in Beautiful West Michigan. Who wants to be sittin’ in front of the idiot box when it’s nice outside?? But fall is here, and the days are quickly growing shorter; which puts us into a kind of hibernation mode. Our Aunt Joyce got us hooked on shows like NCIS when she was still with us… and we’ve become total junkies. My Beautiful Girlfriend got hooked on Once Upon A Time, and this year it is on at the same time as one of my favorites, The Simpsons.

What to do??

Until very recently we would tape one show while watching the other. This meant using the TV (of course), the VCR, the surround sound, and the digital tuner, because the TV output was not compatible with the surround sound. Four devices. Four remotes. Oy yoy yoy. We also got fancy a couple years ago and bought a Panasonic flat screen TV for the bedroom. Panasonic TV, meet Panasonic VCR. Same brand, two separate remotes. However: I was trying to tape Gotham the other day, and thought I had it all set. I had the tape machine all programmed and off we went to a friend’s house. Came back, hoping to watch Gotham and… nothing. Didn’t work. Why? BECAUSE THE TWO REMOTES AFFECT BOTH DEVICES!! So, you think it’s all set to go, then you nuke all your taping stuff unwittingly with the other remote.

Is that cool or what??

Sure, we have successfully recorded shows on glorious VHS, but as most of you out there in Technology Land know, magnetic tape kinda sucks when it comes to video quality. So yes, boys and girls, we took the plunge. We bought us a DVR!! Yay!! And because it has two tuners (yes, we’re still using the antenna), it will record two different shows at the same time!! Wow!! And it even has prehistoric RCA jacks so I can hook up my Paleozoic surround sound to its outputs!! Fantastic!! And it also has some cockamamie dealy called HDMI so I only need one cable going to our TV!! Holy Moly!! Oops I lied… the TV gets 3 cables: antenna, HDMI, and power. Oh well, you get the idea.

In case you’re curious about our Brand New, High Tech Dinosaur Machine; here’s a the model number with a link included. Click on the Magnavox MDR867H to see what it is. Had some fun finding a DVR that didn’t require a subscription of some sort. Had even more fun finding one that would connect to all my prehistoric electronics. I’m not a fan of Walmart, but they had it in stock and shipped it quickly.

The moral of this silly rant is that the High-Tech Dinosaurs are not the electronic toys we have at our house. Rather, we are the High-Tech Dinosaurs; and we’re not afraid to admit it. My Beautiful Girlfriend upgraded from a flip phone to a brand new, used iPhone 4s.  Works great. I work in IT, so you’d think I’d know better; but I made the mistake of taking my iPhone 6s for a walk in Lake Michigan. They don’t like that so good. However, an employee was leaving the company so I was able to snag their very reliable iPhone 5s before it was sent back to the home office. I’ll probably keep it till it dies or until I retire; whichever comes first. As far as our home electronic stuff, I try to spend a little more on quality so it lasts. Consequently, I have a 13 year old computer, and I think my stereo in the living room is approaching 20 years old. Both still work just fine. The home entertainment stuff in our bedroom is more in the realm of 9 years old… so that’s still young yet.

As for the VCRs… and yes, we will still have at least one that works in the house; hey, fuhgettaboutit awreddy!!

Perhaps we could get Betty Boop to drum up some cool inventions for our household amusement…

So there I was, minding my own business, 10,000 feet in the air, no plane, no parachute… oh wait, no, I wasn’t there; but I WAS in the garden and I almost cried and rolled on the ground when I noticed that the wind had knocked over some of my corn stalks; but no big deal, right, because we had some very big storms recently and the corn was OK it just needed to be stood up again and that went well but holy cow the next day I got so exasperated that I started this Happy Friday thing with a really long run-on sentence complete with sentence fragments because…

THE STINKIN’ RACCOONS GOT INTO MY POPCORN!!!! RARRRRGGGHHHH!!!

Well I can’t prove it was raccoons, but it sure looked that way, because somebody knocked over the stalks and was a-munchin’ on the ears. And this is not just regular corn mind you. Nooo!! It’s popcorn, and I even helped it have sex and everything!! Say huh?? Yes, boys and girls, I pollinated the corn by hand to make really sure it took. I usually only grow one row of corn; which doesn’t lend itself to thorough pollination without some help. That means that during “pollen season,” when the tassels are flowering, I need to make really sure some pollen reaches the silk on the cobs; otherwise the cobs won’t be full of kernels when the corn matures.

Since local yokels provide us with lots and LOTS of delicious sweet corn, I’ve decided to specialize in growing heirloom popcorn. It’s really pretty, multicolored stuff that resembles the so-called “Indian corn” that folks like to hang up for decorations. And the flavor, oh my… it really is true that there’s nothing like home grown food. I usually end up with about 10 pounds of corn each year; not too bad for a single row.

Needless to say, I was NOT happy when the stinkin’ coons got into my corn!! My son in law helped me put in a fence some years ago; which was a response to both deer and raccoons in the garden. Worked very well until this year when the popcorn bandits apparently scaled the fence and went in a-stealin’. So! Being the kind person I am, I went and doused each plant with some cayenne pepper. I was hoping that if they came back they’d get a nice snoot full and that would make them go a-runnin’ for some nostril relief in the creek or something.

No good. They came back and had more munching fun.

Next step: a live trap. Off I went to the local Farm and Home store and bought me a trap. The nice lady at the counter listened to my laments, and suggested some dog food for bait. So I got me a couple nice cans of dog food. I put half a can of dog food in a little plastic dish, then set the trap outside the garden; thinking I would catch the coon on its way to the corn patch. Raccoons are nocturnal critters, so I set the trap out just after sundown; with the intent of checking it before bed time.

I’m a bit of a night owl, so I took my trusty MagLite flashlight and focused the beam on the trap from my vantage point on our deck. Lo and behold, I saw the reflection of two shiny eyes looking back at me. However, I thought I also saw two fur colors: black and white. It didn’t look like a skunk… seemed too big. Regardless; I approached with caution.

When I got a little closer it was obvious I had caught neither coon nor skunk; but rather a very large kitty cat. As I got within range of the trap I scolded the captive, “You get outta there!! You’re not supposed to be in there!! I’m tryin’ to catch a raccoon!!” I lifted the door and I don’t believe I’ve ever seen a cat move so quickly.

Although there was dog food in the dish, the kitty apparently wolfed it down; because there was very little left. We live in a semi-rural area so it was no surprise that a stray would come visit for a free meal. This one must be pretty good at finding food though, because he was a big feller. And no, I didn’t check to make sure it was a boy… but seemed like it.

I washed out the dish, baited the trap again and this time set it inside the garden. My garden fence may not be raccoon proof; but I’m pretty sure it’s kitty proof. Got up kind of early this morning to check the trap… nothing. Freshened up the bait again for tonight and I’ll be checking again before beddy bye. If I catch one tonight, we’ll be going for a little ride. We have this nice river just south of us, I’ll just drive it across the river and set it free. I’m thinking it’s not likely it will cross the river to get back to our house.

OK. So if you happen to run across any raccoons with popcorn eatin’ grins on their faces, please let me know.

I have a bone to pick with them.

Maybe I should get Pluto to help out… or maybe not.

We did it again, another summer time concert that was simply amazing. Quite the powerhouse of performers: Alice Cooper, Joe Perry, and some guy named Johnny Depp. They were accompanied by some other fine musicians but you can do your own research on all that if you don’t mind, OK yes please thank you very much you’re welcome.

We were on vacation. Again. In Aurora Illinois!! That’s like a whole different city AND state!! One thing my Beautiful Girlfriend and I have always loved to do together is go to concerts. Usually rock concerts but not always. Anyway two years ago we saw what was left of The Turtles and some other friends of theirs who were on their “Happy Together Tour.” Those kids are still touring, by the way. I would strongly suggest you attend if that’s your kind of thing.

This was at the Paramount Theater in Aurora, Illinois you see; and since I bought the tickets online we now get e-mails for ever event they have over there. Well, when it’s a concert, it captures my interest pretty much immediately. I saw the ad for the Hollywood Vampires and had to do a double-take because I never heard of them. Once I got informed and told my Honey Pie about who these Hollywood Vampires were, I asked her if she’d like to go. She looked at me with her beautiful blue eyes all a-twinkle and said, “Oh yeah!!”

So there we were, taking off for a long weekend. The concert was Thursday night, and the weather looked an awful lot like it was going to make us sad because thunderstorms were in the forecast but we were bringing ponchos and so we were hoping it would be OK because the tickets said “rain or shine” and we don’t shine very well when it’s raining but oh who cares it’s supposed to be 90 degrees outside so it will be warm water and we’ve done that before!

Before the show, we accidentally stopped for a planned meal at Giordano’s in Oswego and got some of that fine Chicago style stuffed pizza: a super veggie with sausage added. We got a medium for $28 and got 3 meals out of it!! Once at the restaurant, some more after the concert, and one more time on the way home.

After our first belly full of pizza, we got settled in at the Holiday Inn Express in Aurora for a nice summer’s nap. I mention the hotel by name for 12 reasons:

A) it was within walking distance of River Edge Park, where the concert was being held and

7!) The hotel was simply awesome. Very comfortable, newly remodeled, and excellent breakfast spread in the morning.

But enough of commercials!!

So we started to cry and roll on the floor when we woke up… the rain was falling and so were our spirits. We called the concert weather line and the nice automated voice man said the concert was still going on as scheduled. Thankfully, the skies cleared up nicely just in time; and we had a most awesome evening.

Long story longer, these Vampires did NOT suck at all, they were truly awesome. They played many songs in honor of rockers who died way too early; and also of course a couple of songs by people who weren’t dead yet (Alice Cooper, for example). One of our favorite concerts ever, because they played many songs we grew up with, and did a very nice job.

So this week’s video is a peek at these Vampires. Peace, Love, and Rock ‘n Roll to you all!!