Author Archives: Ken Hansen

Mole Meadows With Stick Orgies

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Spring is trying to edge its way into Beautiful West Michigan. And of course, as the weather warms up, we’ll have to start mowing the lawn. There’s that contentious word… lawn. Well it’s contentious at our house anyway. It’s what I call the parts of the yard I mow every week or so. Curiosity drove me to look up the definition, and the Merriam-Webster dictionary online says, “ground (as around a house or in a garden or park) that is covered with grass and is kept mowed.” Doesn’t say anything about clover, dandelions, or the other myriad of plants that grow along with the grass in our “lawn.”

“We don’t have a lawn, we have a yard!!” So goes the lament of my Beautiful Girlfriend, who let me marry her many moons ago. “But I’m OK with a yard,” she adds pensively. It’s probably more of a meadow, and she knows very well that because we are both tree huggers, no chemicals will ever be spread on our lawn. That of course means that lots more than grass will grow. She’s very tolerant of it really; although if I could wave a magic wand and change the whole yard into a golf course quality lawn I’m sure she’d be tickled pink. My neighbors might like it if we had fewer dandelions. They’ve never complained, but I often wonder about whether they dread a bunch of little parachutes are lofted into their yards during a stiff westerly breeze.

We also get quite a few mounds that the moles like to give us as presents. The mole hills cause my Lovely Bride to engage in some really naughty proclamations. She’d love it if they would just stop; but she’d never go as far as our neighbor across the road who sets traps to kill the poor babies. She does, however, revel in the rare occasion when our cat is able to find one and yank it to the surface. She kind of makes a grunt of annoyed compliance when I mention that these makers of mole meadows eat lots of grubs that would otherwise turn into Japanese beetles. And yes they also eat earthworms, but we don’t seem to have a shortage of those.

Spring also zooms in with some rather blustery days, and since we have several trees in the yard, they have a tendency to drop some sticks. OK, many sticks. Many many sticks. Yesterday I came in from outside and tried to be as stoic as possible when I delivered some news to my Honey Pie. “ Honey, I have bad news. We have a couple sticks in the yard.” She bribbled and frooped a bit and then said, “Those sticks… they keep having babies!! They’re having stick orgies out there!!” “I’m way too young to think about such things,” I replied.

Aside from stick orgies and mole meadows, believe it or not the “lawn” we grow actually has some benefits. Dandelions have edible leaves and of course the blossoms feed the bees. White clover blossoms also feed the bees of course, and since clover is a legume it makes nitrogen that naturally feeds neighboring plants (yes, even grass!!). Plaintains (← click for more info) grow here and there, and are both edible and medicinally very valuable.

So yeah, we have mole meadows with free stick orgies. I haven’t watched these sticks carefully to see what kind of mischief they might be creating; as I mentioned earlier I’m much too young for such carnal kaboom. There just might be something to what my wife professes to be true, though. Those doggoned sticks just keep making babies!!

“And now,” as John Cleese used to say, “for something completely different.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdhyrPq3Jxc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4PZXuk3TsM

Subscription Addiction?

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I’m such a cheapskate. No daily newspaper, no cable TV, no super fast internet.

Say What??

Yep. As I told you, I’m a cheapskate. Well sometimes. My beautiful girlfriend and I are in complete agreement about the newspaper and cable TV. We used to get the paper every day, but it became a recycling headache. Maybe it would be worth the effort if we actually read the thing often, but we just didn’t. So the papers piled up and we kept paying for the delivery person to bring more. Now, we get a little Podunk paper by the name of The White Lake Beacon. Comes out once a week and even has comics!! MUCH cheaper too…

Then, way back in about 1992 or so; our family’s TV time dropped to a bare minimum. You see, that was when our daughter decided to slack off on homework. She started flunking math, but it was all our fault really. We would have the TV on when the kids got home from school; and it became a pretty important diversion. But when the school grades began to slide into the sewer; we tried rationing TV. We’d say really wise things like, “no TV till your homework’s done!!” That gave both of our wonderful offspring remarkable energy, and they’d whoosh through whatever homework they had so they could catch their favorite shows. Of course, the result was substandard schoolwork. Better, but still pretty lousy. Mind you, this was without a cable subscription. Anyway, we ended up doing THE UNTHINKABLE!! We laid down the law:

No TV from Monday through Thursday; unless there is some special event or a program that constitutes required viewing for school.  Video games are considered TV time.  Friday night and Saturdays are free time, Sunday TV depends on the amount of homework.

Needless to say, when we first uttered these bone-chilling rules the kids were mortified. “Will you tape our shows???” they pouted. Remember tape?? “OK,” we conceded, “but only if you promise to bring the grades up.” So they did. And after about a month, they quit caring about what was on TV. And even more ridiculous, they started reading for fun. Holy cow!! Now, don’t get me wrong, I like veging (how does one spell “veging” anyway?) in front of the tube and I do have favorite shows. But Mom and I both have addictive natures, and we are very much aware that if we actually paid for TV we would feel the need to watch more.

Fast forward to 2004, when Aunt Joyce came to live with us. She got us hooked on NCIS and CSI, and we still love those to this day.  The only cable in our “cable TV” is the one that comes into the house from the antenna. My Honey Pie and I have always agreed that TV should be free, like the radio.  Times have changed since 1992 of course, so I have to admit, we do pay for internet now (oh wait, that make 2 cables), and subscribe to Netflix and Paramount Plus.  Netflix is the result of a “free trial” that came into our house when my Sweet Bride was laid up due to knee replacement surgery.  Paramount Plus was brought in because we can still watch channel 3 (CBS, where NCIS lives) if the antenna can’t grab it.

But we keep our TV spending pretty low if I must say so myself.  Let’s cipher a minute:

$30.00 for internet
$ 9.99 for Netflix
$10.00 donated to Public Television (a worthy cause and extra PBS stuff on the interwebs!)
$ 5.00 for Paramount Plus

$54.99 total monthly bill for TV stuff.  Not too bad, yes?

As I listen to more and more folks talk about shows I’ll probably never watch and apps I’ll probably never have, I’m seeing what appears to be a growing subscription addiction in our culture. More and more people are paying for more and more internet and TV stuff. It’s getting to the point where there’s really no need to go outside anymore with all the junk you can watch or all the interactive gaming you can do.  I also saw a report a while ago (on TV of course) that more and more Americans are suffering from vitamin D deficiency. So they’re rattling off all the ways you can get more vitamin D in your diet. Well guess what folks, back in the “old days,” meaning before the internet and cable TV, vitamin D was called “the sunshine vitamin.” In other words, your body actually makes vitamin D when you’re outside in the day time. Is that a weird idea or what?? Going outside I mean…

Guess I’m a dinosaur. I don’t need super fast internet.  I don’t need cable TV.  I still love the Beatles and The Three Stooges. We heat with firewood. We grow vegetables “organically;” which is now referred to as “regenerative farming,” I guess.  We do stuff with friends that does not involve electronic gadgets. And so far, I have not become so enmeshed in the habit of watching a screen that I have to worry about video-addictive behavior problems. Yes friends, I actually know how to go outside without my cell phone!!  Perhaps recovery groups will spring from the screen addiction trend… you know, places that are free of electronic devices where people can discuss their multimedia dependencies with others, and maybe even look each other in the eye while speaking and listening.

If I ever become one of those who is addicted to TV, etc., I hope I have the courage to change the things I can. I’ll go to my first meeting, clutch my cup of coffee, and say the magically freeing words:

“Hi, my name is Ken, and I’m a vidiot.”

So what am I gonna do now??  I’m gonna post a video for your enjoyment!   In the meantime, please take a minute sometime soon and actually talk to someone, OK?

A Snibbulous Rant

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Hello fellow peace loving creatures. Don’t know about you, but my week has been saturated with very crankular work challenges. It’s bad enough I didn’t win the lottery; mainly because I never played. But in addition to that hugely caripular disappointment; other things in my inside-the-house world have been bonking me in the noggin with large, monstrificous ouch hurtings. To quote some poet guy I never knew (nor ever quoted correctly):

Too much to do,

And not enough time,

Makes a man smelly,

Cranky and whine.

Please know, however, that I am very aware that not only was that a very bad (or perhaps nonexistent) rhyme; my woes are in all respects what me and my friends often call “high class problems.” In other words: I am a healthy young man, I have a nice home, a beautiful girlfriend (who actually let me marry her!!), we own cars that are paid off and actually work, we have plenty to eat, we have food in the garden we’re gonna eat later, and of course we have electricity that powers our stuff and lets us play musics and make coffee and other important foods and even sometimes we use our TV to watch important, spiritually uplifting programming like Saturday Night Live and NCIS, and we also have friends whom we love dearly, and in addition to all that, I have not used one single semi-colon in this run-on sentence and I’m not even sure that matters but holy cow this was a really long one; (oops, a semi-colon just crept in there) and the whole point of all this is:

If I keep a grateful heart

I’ll be much less likely to fart

On the surface of my blessings

Because I’m one lucky, lucky guy.

Yet another very bad rhyming thing there. I really am lucky you know. So why am I whining?? Because I’m human I guess. You see, our house is pretty much topsy-turvy right now. Topsy-turvy… now there’s an expression you don’t see every day, right? Please don’t confuse this with hunky-dory or especially pinkly-winkly, which may not even be a thing. What I’m trying to say that because of our high-class problems, our home is in great disarray.

Why, you may wonder, is this topsy-turvy disarray affecting our pinkly-winklies in such a painful manner? Well you see, it’s like this: we had the good fortune to spend some money on the innards of our house. Some very good painters came to do their thing, and that meant that we had to remove much furniture and bric-a-brac and even stuff we never knew we had from the room so they could work. And to add ink spots to ingenuity, we also decided to have new carpet installed. The result of these Spoiled American decisions was the “storage” of bookcases, shelving, electronic doohickeys, books, and all manner of possessions anywhere they could fit in other rooms. Walking through the resulting maze has become rather, um… interesting.

Then of course comes the “whatever pleases you my dear” conundrum. In other words, I’m a guy, OK? No, I really mean it. And my Beautiful Girlfriend is a woman. And because I’m a guy, my give-a-hoot about interior decorating is limited to the precise placement of stereo speakers. You know, important stuff. Well this Amazing Woman of mine has decided that this bookcase needs to go, and that armoire needs to have its head chopped off and reattached a few feet lower to accommodate a large screen TV to be mounted on the wall. So I get my saw and my hammer and drill thing and BLS (Big Long Screws) and commence to hacking and scraping and drilling and putting in the screws and OUCH my finger holy moly watch out for that sharpness oh crap I’m bleeding go get a Band Aid and back to work and what the HECK?? The stupid pull chain on the ceiling fan light bit the dust so now it’s the happy enjoyment of taking the thing apart to replace the switch and CAN I PLEASE GO HOME NOW I DON’T WANNA PLAY ANYMORE but oh wait, I’m already home but I’ll sure be glad when it’s all done and we can sit back and enjoy some leisure time of snarfing potato chips and drinking apple juice.

But guess what?? NONE of this stuff is a problem, really. We get to have our house painted and carpeted. We get to have too much stuff to move around. As I said before, we have a nice home with no bombs exploding or invaders invading. We are, in short, very, very grateful. Hope life is good at your house.

I think I’ll end this snibbulous rant with just one more poem, the theme of which has no bearing on any aforementioned anything, but it might make you smile:

Wally

Bring your friends to Wally’s house

Because he’s really Super Mouse.

He fell down twice and did not break,

And he can swallow half a lake.

He always eats his super cheese,

But now he’s getting Super Fleas.

The End

And now for some fun that also happens to be set to music.

Been There, Done That

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Hey, did you know that gas is up over $4 a gallon?? And food is more expensive than it was a couple years ago? And hey, come to think of it, pretty much everything costs more these days? There are a few million reasons for all this I think. And no, it’s not the President’s fault!! Just ask any economist. I mean hey, the President has no more control over the economy than a yodeling kitty cat has over a bowl of ice cream slathered in spaghetti sauce with sprinkles and Elmer’s Glue.

And I have absolutely no idea what the previous sentence even means!

I hear much whining, brooping, and guckamaroo being fribbled about these days. All too many folks are upset about how much gas costs, yet they are not interested in changing their driving behaviors. Because I’m older than most compost, I fondly (not really fondly) remember the Arab Oil Embargo that was very enjoyable (not really enjoyable) during 1973 and 1974. This was the wonderful period during which OPEC decided to quit supplying us with oil due to our support of Israel during the 1973 Arab-Israeli War.

So what did our government do? Well, one memorable action was that those stinkers in Washington imposed a national roadway speed limit of 55 mile per hour! This had horrible consequences: energy was saved, pollution declined, and traffic deaths went down substantially. Also, measures were introduced to shift our energy needs to more sustainable, environmentally friendly sources. Sound familiar? The environmentally friendly stuff I mean…

Hey, I like having the ability to travel pretty much whenever I want. After all, I’m a spoiled American. We have two vehicles: a Toyota Sienna and a Toyota Corolla IM. Guess which one does better on gas?? When my Beautiful Girlfriend and I did a road trip to Grand Rapids this past Monday, we decided to take the Corolla. I set the cruise control for 70 and voila!! We averaged just short of 36 miles per gallon. I’m sure it would’ve been better if we throttled back a bit. In fact, I was cruising in the same car at 50 MPH (the speed limit) on a local road a few weeks ago and I was getting over 48 mpg. Not bad for a non-hyrbrid car!

So I said to myself, “Hey Self!! Bet you can get decent mileage in that Monster Minivan if you slow down a bit.” And yes, boys and girls, if I cruise on the highway at 65 MPH I can get 28 mpg and maybe a little better, depending on the terrain. Once I was “playing” with the speed on the way home from our daughter’s house and going about 62 on the highway (during little or no traffic), and got a whopping 31 mpg. Pretty darn good for a little truck!! And yes I know I said I had a minivan, but I call it my truck.

As far as paying too much at the stores, well, at our house we just are careful about what we buy. The impact on our wallet hasn’t been that horrible; but then we are dinosaur cave people. In other words, we don’t rush out for the newest gadget when the stuff we have already works just fine. My wife and I have smell phones but both are iPhone 8; which is an old model by today’s standards. They still work like new, so why change?? Oh, and one of my favorite toys is a Yamaha HTR5490 stereo receiver I bought in 2001. We don’t buy 20 year old food, but we pretty much stay away from processed foods; so that keeps the grocery bill (and doctor bill) down. We quit buying soda and other sweets; not because of price but just because it simply is no good for us. And we always try to buy as locally as possible.

The moral of all this worblesnarken is: Easy Does It my friends. It’s all gonna be OK. Do something weird like slow down on the highways. Eat more sensibly. Resist the “keeping up with the Joneses” nonsense. Our spending habits are really the same as voting with money; meaning that how we shell out our dollars tells the corporate universe what kind of Real Universe we’d like to have. Oh and let’s try spreading some kindness around instead of spewing venom. And above all, please treat all those amazing folks in the service world with kindness and respect. None of them have any more control over the prices than our President does. So yeah, those of us who’ve been on the planet for a several decades have seen all this corporate caca before. Been there, done that.

And you know what? We’re very fortunate humans. We’re doing OK.

And now it’s time to make with the dinosaur hippie protest songs.

Daylight Craving Time

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“What to write for tonight?” he wondered (OK, he is actually me). There’s a war going on, a nasty one too. But I doubt anyone wants to hear about that on Happy Friday!!! I’m praying for Vladimir Putin to eat some toxic Twinkies and keel over with a stroke but I don’t think that’s gonna happen. And yes I know prices on pretty much everything are rather nuts right now, but all I can say about all that is this reminder to all my friends: We are spoiled Americans. We live in a safe place and a free country (so far). “So again,” he wondered, “whatchya gonna write tonight??”

“I know!!” he (OK it’s really me again) exclaimed, “I’ll whine about the loss of an hour of sleep when we change the clock again!!”

So here’s how happy I am about the clock change. Some of you may remember a similar version of this rant from a couple years ago. I apologize for not producing something fresh and twinkly, but my heart really hurts right now for the people of Ukraine.

Anyway, here’s my whining:

Daylight Craving Time – Spring Ahead

Here we go again. An hour of sleep lost in honor of “springing ahead” into Daylight Savings Time. I thought about writing some cockamamie jab at the history of Daylight Saving Time, but there are so many convolutions that I ran away screaming. If you’re really interested in that stuff, Snopes has a pretty good page that describes it all in a nice little nutshell, here:

http://www.snopes.com/science/daylight.asp.

Any who how, even though our biological clocks get their springs and gears all wompified, most of my friends here in Beautiful West Michigan are very OK with the concept of Daylight Saving Time during the summer. I mean, who wouldn’t enjoy having daylight till 10:30 PM? Days are already getting longer, and the birds are playing their electric guitars while squirrels, possums, and racketycoons jump up and down to the beat. Deer are looking at us with that “What??” face while they munch on our lawns. Starlings and grackles empty the bird feeders pretty much as quickly as we can fill them. And yep, pretty soon the peepers will be peeping and the thunder will be thundering.

That’s very nice I’ll say.

However, I’m really sick up and fed with the change. It really seems quite unnecessary, don’t you think? Let’s spring ahead just once and frickin’ leave it that way!! I mean, I need to reiterate how spoiled we are here in Beautiful West Michigan during the summer!! Summer, after all, is my favorite time of year; and we get very long days. I really love being in the garden until it’s too dark to see; and as I mentioned earlier that’s almost 10:30 PM here during part of the warm months.

I try to remind myself of being spoiled, because I’ve experienced the other end of the toaster handle. When I was a kid growing up on Long Island, it was dark outside not too long after we got home from school. In those days, our local fire department touched off a siren every day at precisely 7 PM. Now, when you’re a little kid who has to be heading home “when the 7 o’clock whistle blows,” you still can have lots of fun with hide-and-seek because it’s dark outside at about 5 PM. We’d eat supper, go outside and play, and have gobs of fun running around “at night.” So in that regard, falling back to Standard Time was kinda fun.

I’m a couple days older now, so I’m not really a fan of changing the clocks at all. I’m very OK with living on the far western edge of the Eastern Time Zone, so we can squeeze every last minute of daylight out of the setting sun. Arizona and Hawaii don’t observe all this saving time nonsense. I’d be OK with that, so long as we keep Daylight Saving Time.

Please write to my congressman and woman to make this happen. I’ll give you $3.40 up front for an incentive, and I’ll even bake you an Apple Surprise pie (Surprise!! I put raisins in there too!!). If you can get this done before Sunday, I’ll even make you an Apple Surprise Surprise pie (Raisins and walnuts!!) !!

Well, it’s time for me to quit writing about time now. There was a time though, back in 1973 when I had a very nice time, listening to these guys. All I could say then (and all I can say now), was WOW!!


I’m Trying!!

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So there I was, on a Friday night, which is tonight because it’s not Saturday yet; and we have our grandsons Oliver and Gabriel over for the weekend, and usually they help me with silly ideas for a story, but it seems to be getting worse as they grow older, and I’m not sure why that is; but one thing I do know is that this silly run-on sentence is already way too long.

“I need some story ideas from you guys,” I announced as bedtime was drawing near. I waited… and waited… probably for a very long 47 seconds. No response. “So you guys just wanna head off to bed then??”

“No, I’m trying,” Oliver replied. “But you’re not,” said I. “Yes I am,” said he. “But you don’t smell like it,” I retorted. “I don’t know Gabe,” Oliver answered. “You don’t know Gabe??” I queried. Oliver’s voice got a little louder; and he blurted “Yes I know Gabe!! Gabe:I don’t have any ideas, do you?” Another pause. Then Oliver said “All I can think of is the name Sigmund.” Then my Beautiful Girlfriend (whom the boys refer to as Nini) chimed in: “The name of the horse of course of course his name was Sigmund and Sigmund was his name!!”

Gabe finally chimed in, “He can go to Mars in his flying pick up truck!!” And Oliver continued, “And his favorite breakfast is Cinnamon Toast Crunch with water instead of milk.” “When he got there the Martians were doing the Martian hop!” Nini exclaimed. Gabe added “The Martians pets were bananas that looked like monkeys.” The well appeared to be running dry. Both boys were obviously more than ready to hit the sack. Oliver delivered the final offering: “I personally think that water is the most mild beverage and vanilla ice cream is too spicy. My favorite food is cottage cheese with hot sauce. And I’m done.”

Another story by the grandsons came to an abrupt close. These days, it seems like each time I attempt to pry story ideas out of their noggins it becomes more and more like pulling teeth. Perhaps they are losing interest in this “hey let’s do some ideas for a silly story” thing. Maybe it’s just difficult to be creative after a long day at school followed by very exhausting sessions with video games. Or it could be something really weird like they’re growing up! Yes that might be it. When given the choice between the customary cartoon viewing before bed and video games, guess which was favored? Oh well. Oliver’s voice is changing from boy to man. Gabe’s hormonal roller coaster will be here all too soon. Before we know it they’ll be off on their own.

Guess we’ll just enjoy every opportunity to have them visit while they still like being around Nini and Papa. In the meantime… please enjoy the philosophical wisdom of George and Gracie.

Like Normal People (?)

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How does one define the word “normal?” Anyway? I suppose it depends on who you ask. I mean, something as simple as wearing underwear might be considered normal by most folks. Then of course there are those who don’t find that normal at all. There are so many ways to interpret what “normal” is, that some (including me) have embraced the statement that normal is simply a cycle on the washing machine.

Why would I even want to go there? Writing about what’s normal I mean. Well, my Beautiful Girlfriend forced me to do it with a funny quip she made about dinner the other day. We were settling in for the evening; all our chores completed, and it was time to enjoy an elegant dinner of burritos from Taco Bell. My Lovely Bride looked at me with her beautiful eyes and said, “Let’s go to the bedroom, watch TV and eat our dinner like normal people.” “Like normal people, huh??” I snickered.

That gave both of us a nice chuckle. And yes we did enjoy our gourmet burritos in bed while we watched a Marvel movie with surround sound. Why do we have surround sound in the bedroom? Because that’s what my Honey Pie wanted. And I have to say it’s pretty nice to chill out all comfy and enjoy movie house quality sound in the comfort of your own… um… bedroom. And yes, we have surround sound in the living room too.

Are we spoiled or what??

Now I must ask: it’s normal for people to enjoy bad breath sandwiches, right? You know, some nice deli rye slathered in mayo with some chopped onion and a can of King Oscar sardines in tomato sauce layered nicely on there. Then snarf it down and go looking for your sweetie for a nice kiss. My wife just loves that ya know! Oh wait!!! No, she does NOT. No smooching till the teeth are brushed!!

Oh, and is it normal to buy a tool (or something) because you can’t find the one you know you have?? Gotta have that metric adjustable wrench today, right?? How else can I loosen the fronkulator on the bilateral mizzlepop and make sure it twinkles correctly before the warranty expires?? So off we go to the hardware store, buy an adjustable metric wrench for $18.95; and I’m told “You’re lucky!! You got the last one and oh, by the way, it costs more because it’s metric.” Then I learn that these are often called Crescent wrenches and they work for any standard because hey, they’re adjustable!! Well OK I already knew that; it’s just fun to be silly. Of course, I have indeed purchased a tool or other thing-a-ma-bob over the years because I needed the one I was sure I had, but could not find it for love nor money. So I go buy a new one (oh wait, that’s money!); and about halfway through the project while I’m rummaging through the tools I find the missing domaflochy that I had all along.

So is it normal for the pizza to change colors while the oven is turned off, then start howling when the preheat is finished and the oven door is open?? Then when I go to put it on the oven rack all these little colored flags pop up with exclamations like “No!!” “Ouch!!” “Hot!!” “LEAVE ME ALONE!!” And then the mouse with driving cap and sunglasses in the little sports car starts ramming my ankles and shouting obscenities (I think) in Swahili or something while beeping his horn. Phone rings, I slide my hand too close to the rack, ouch that hurts, it’s someone who wants to extend my car’s warranty and the refrigerator is beeping again and confetti is gushing out of the ice maker and why in the HECK is the motor oil in the vegetable drawer??

Oh wait… just a dream.

Was that a normal dream? Or should I just enjoy that cycle on the washing machine?

This might be an interesting dream…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmsrFSTjMXU

Monday Monkey Business

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Some of you may be aware that this Monday brings a celebration day for Peace, Love, and Harmony. And yes, of course I’m talking about Valentine’s Day. I firmly believe that February 14 is not a day to be celebrated only by lovers. The spirit of the day should be shared with everyone, because hey, “What The World Needs Now Is Love;” and yes, the Dionne Warwick reference is definitely intended.

At our house, Valentine’s Day has always been very warm and fuzzy; dripping with honey globs and covered with chocolate mixed with assorted deliciousness accompanied by some hugging and maybe some smooching and perhaps some none-of-your-business. We usually enjoy a special treat for dinner. You know, stuff like steak on the half shell or maybe lobster toenails served on a crispy bed of burnt popcorn. Our palates will then be delicately washed with a nice glass of alcohol free sparkling orange & tomato juice with a healthy dollop of cinnamon baked oatmeal floating on top. Often we like to have some candy, and since we’ve been very careful with our sugar intake this year we went to The Lakeside Emporium (← click the link to their store) (I double-D dare ya) (yes, I like to put too many things in parentheses) for a rare treat. Each of us selected enough delicious morsels to fill a 40 pound container. It’s also possible that we limited our selections to 12 candies each. Yesterday, while she was at work, I stopped at our old favorite, the White Lake Greenhouse (← another link!!) and picked out a nice bouquet of the customary flowers which will be hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that Saint Valentine soon will be there.

Since Covid, we’ve been enjoying movies quite a bit in the comfort of our own home. I must confess, when my Beautiful Girlfriend requested that I install surround sound in our bedroom all those years ago, I brooped and merfled at the idea. Now of course we very much enjoy chilling out with our HUGE 32 inch flat screen TV (the best size to fit in the cabinet she wanted) and full surround audio from a nice Pioneer system. I’m hoping my Lovely Bride will agree to an action flick this time. Perhaps something like the Saskatchewan Chainsaw Massacre… it’s like the one in Texas but colder and more polite. Of course she may want to watch one of those romantic classics like Guess Which Vampire Is Coming To Dinner; that one’s a mixture of passion and her love for vampire movies. Who knows… maybe we’ll settle for an old Buster Keaton movie and some cartoons.

After the movie, as has always (never) been the case in previous years, I will serenade my Sweetheart by yodeling Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” and then Devo’s “Time Out For Fun” in their entirety. I’ll probably be yodeling vociferously while painting my eyebrows with neon green hi-lighter to increase her arousal. The serenade is preceded by my newly discovered trick of getting lollipops to stick to my cheeks after a few licks. Yep, just get them a bit moist on one side, then press and hold for approximately 5 minutes. The result will likely put a big smile on her face, especially as my neon green eyebrows dance seductively while the lollipop sticks hop to the yodel-wiggles while I belt out the tunes.

As you can see, I really know how to show my Darling Honey Pie a good time on Valentine’s Day. My sincere hope for all of you is that you give and / or receive love on the upcoming Special Day; but please do not stop there. What the world really does need, is Love, Sweet Love; so please spread it far and wide, each and every day of the year. Even something small like telling a retail worker “Thank You” is a nice way to spread the love.

And if they don’t seem moved, you can always offer to yodel for them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XP-fu–VpS4

Hot Dog!! Soup.

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Perhaps I’m being simplistic, or maybe even a bit crinkly; but my professional opinion on current events is that while Omicron is trying to jump deeply inside of everyone’s nostrils, there are tactics which must be employed in order to mitigate the chaotic, herky-jerky economic impact; and of course only the serotonin elevating condition of a belly full of comfort food can initiate such mitigation; and a run-on sentence that is confusing at best is not necessarily an effective way to remove radioactive skin particles from the soles of our shoes.

I think, maybe.

We had a cataclysmic event recently: the bucket of potatoes I harvested this fall were all starting to sprout!! Oh God oh God!! After a week or so of noticing this phenomenon, I leapt into action yesterday and embarked upon a food processing expedition. I cleaned all the dirt off (they keep much better if you leave the dirt on), removed the sprouty things (forgive my technical horticultural jargon), and most were converted into comfort food. The biggest ones were blanched and flash frozen to enjoy another time.

So yes my friends, in an effort to feed my Beautiful Girlfriend and my Me some comfort food, which I expounded upon in the first paragraph, I made a modified version of Mom’s Hot Dog Soup. Did you get any? No, you did not. We had some for dinner twice times now; and it was simply scrumptious. Do you want me to invite you over for some? I would be happy to invite you on the condition that you refuse to come. So there!! Ha ha!! I laugh to you. You must make your own, OK? Here’s how:

Mom’s Hot Dog Soup (modified version).

Note: this recipe makes a LOT of soup.

Ingredients

3 lbs. Potatoes

2 yellow onions (about 3 inches in diameter or a bit larger)

2 stalks of celery

2 carrots

8 hot dogs

2 tablespoons of parsley flakes

1 teaspoon of rubbed sage

1 teaspoon of thyme leaves

1 teaspoon rosemary

1 teaspoon garlic powder (granulated… please don’t use garlic dust)

1 tablespoon butter

1 cup milk (or for low-calorie, use half and half)

salt to taste

Here’s what must be done:

1 – Clean (but don’t peel) the potatoes, dice, throw into a large pot from at least 7 feet away (or closer if you want them in the pot).

& – Cover the potatoes with water and cook till tender; drain but save the broth.

T – Mash the potatoes with butter and milk (I used half and half instead of milk)

9 – Add broth back to desired thickness (a little bit thick is good). You can add more water if you like, but we like it thick.

G – Peel and dice the onions, thinly slice (but do not peel) the carrots, celery, and hot dogs (who peels celery or hot dogs anyway??), then wiggle your hiney a bit in anticipation.

12 – Toss the chopped up stuff into the pot using a 13 foot ramp positioned at a 60 degree angle (you may also simply drop them in). This can be done while singing your favorite Devo song.

Y6 – Simmer on medium / low heat (if it starts bubbling, back the heat off slightly) and stir often while adding sage, garlic, thyme (about a heaping teaspoon of each), rosemary, and LOTS of parsley flakes (about 2 tablespoons of dried) while stirring. Enjoy the aroma and wiggle your eyebrows in a happy and anticipatory manner.

M* – Cover while simmering.

8L – Hey!! Don’t leave this unattended!!! You wanna ruin it?? I mean, you gotta stir often, OK?? Just check it regularly please. Especially make sure your wooden spoon (or whatever your favorite stirring thingy is) scrapes the bottom of the pot while stirring so you don’t get any clingons.

Xs – Salt to taste. Dinner is ready when the carrots and celery are tender.

I must warn you about this food: although “Hot Dog Soup” sounds weird, this stuff is truly delicious and you may have difficulty leaving it alone. I suppose you could call it “Potato Soup With Hot Dogs,” but Mom called it Hot Dog Soup; so obviously that is the correct terminology. It was a simple yet nourishing meal she served to satiate us 4 kids. None of us ever complained when Hot Dog Soup was on the menu. She never taught me how to make it, but I think I got the basics down pretty good. She kept it simple though: I think all she used was potatoes, butter (well probably margarine), milk, hot dogs, onions, and some salt. Fast forward to the present: we’ve had it twice now, and I’m hoping my Lovely Bride will allow one more go around tomorrow. The rest will be frozen for another time. Holy MOLY it’s good!! But you wouldn’t know… you didn’t get any, did you? Nope!! Again I laugh to you.

So go ahead and make some! I double D Dare ya!!

Might want to pay attention to your veggies… especially at night.

Omicron OhNo

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Dunno about youse, but this boy is sick up and fed with the Covid awreddy. Is this crap ever gonna end? SHEESH!! It makes me to barf on the ground. Both me and my Honey Pie are fully vaccinated, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we won’t catch anything. I mean, hey, we just had a nice bout of bronchitis in our house. Thankfully it wasn’t Covid; but holy MOLY it knocked us in the dirt. Now our poor grandson does have Covid; so our scheduled visit for this weekend has been postponed (dang it!!). And I’ve been hearing more and more reports of friends who got the nasty Covid bug.

We don’t want no any omicron, thank you very much. Therefore, our “bubble” just shrank (again) to a very few people who we know are fully vaccinated and free of symptoms. Heavy on the free of symptoms; mind you. My Beautiful Girlfriend already has a lung disease, and we don’t want to know what omicron will do to us. Dr. Fauci was recently quoted as saying that “Omicron, with its extraordinary, unprecedented degree of efficiency of transmissibility, will ultimately find just about everybody.” Is that reassuring or what??

Nope!!

So here we go again. I’m truly grateful to be retired, because there have been numerous times when I picked up some icky microbe at work. We just need to focus on staying safe. Along with washing or sanitizing our hands, we’ve learned more about masks during the course of this pandemic, for example: a) cloth masks are often pretty but ineffective, 4) disposable surgical masks are not as good as we thought, and R) N95 masks are best but no fun to breathe through. We want to stay safe, though, so as of today we’ll be wearing N95 masks in public.

All this omicron stuff is beginning to wear on us, ya know?? Would be fun to go to a rock concert, but no… Would be fun to go to the movies, but no… Would be nice to eat in a restaurant with friends, but not right now. So we support out local restaurant with take out orders and bigger than normal tips. We support the movie makers by streaming their products online. There are lots of cool concerts available on YouTube and also on PBS in the form of Austin City Limits. And the best part of all this isolation is that my Lovely Bride and I are best friends; and we are OK spending a lot of time together. We also know how to venture off to a different part of the house for some space.

I keep trying to remember the saying, “This too shall pass.” Not sure when it’s gonna pass, but I hope it will eventually. Hey, maybe not! Maybe this is what many have called the “new normal.” I pray that is not the case, but if it is, well I’ll just have to roll with it.

In the meantime, I’ll keep reminding myself to go through my Gratitude List each and every day. It’s a very powerful tool that was offered to me by some friends many moons ago. Basically, when my head starts to hurt from all the rotten toe cheese people, places, or things in the world that try to yank my serenity out of my noggin; I recite at least 5 things for which I am grateful. Sometimes I say these out loud to friends or my Sweet Spouse Lady. Sometimes it’s as basic as, “Well I have a safe and warm place to sleep, plenty of food, cars that work, the love of a Beautiful Woman, and so far I still live in a free country.” Then I’ll point out that some folks live under a bridge, and some don’t even have the luxury of any shelter at all. When I focus on the good, life is good. But no omicron for me please.

Thank you.

Well here are some doctors I remember from my childhood. Warning: lots of slapstick!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbsoJ-zXvsE