Author Archives: Ken Hansen

Subscription Addiction?

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I’m such a cheapskate.  No daily newspaper, no cable TV,  no super fast internet.

Say What??

Yep.  As I told you, I’m a cheapskate.  Well sometimes.  My beautiful girlfriend and I are in complete agreement about the newspaper and cable TV.  We used to get the paper, but it became a recycling headache.  We’ve changed from a fairly fat daily newspaper to a weekly local rag called The White Lake Beacon.  When we got daily delivery, the papers piled up and we kept paying for the paper lady to keep bringing more.  Then we quit and started gaining weight from the loss of regular exercise that came with hauling all that paper to the recycling center (a.k.a. “the dump”).

Well, OK, maybe that’s not really why be started gaining weight…

My Honey Pie and I have always agreed that TV should be free, like the radio. Then, way back in about 1992 or so; our family’s TV time dropped to a bare minimum. You see, that’s when our daughter decided to slack off on homework.  She started flunking math, but it was all our fault really. We would have the TV on when the kids got home from school; and it became a pretty important diversion. But when the school grades began to slide into the sewer; we tried rationing TV. We’d say really wise things like, “no TV till your homework’s done!!”  That gave both of our wonderful offspring remarkable energy, and they’d whoosh through whatever homework they had so they could catch their favorite shows.  Of course, the result was substandard work.  Better, but still pretty lousy.  Mind you, their very important programs came from our antenna, without a cable subscription.  Anyway, we ended up doing THE UNTHINKABLE!!  We laid down the law:

No TV from Monday through Thursday; unless there is some special event or a program that constitutes required viewing for school.  Video games are considered TV time.  Friday night and Saturdays are free time, Sunday TV depends on the amount of homework.

Needless to say, when we first uttered these bone-chilling rules the kids were mortified.  “Will you tape (remember VCRs?) our shows???” they pouted.  “OK,” we conceded, “but only if you promise to bring the grades up.”  So they did.  And after about a month, they quit caring about what was on TV.  And even more ridiculous, they started reading for fun.  Holy cow!!  Now, don’t get me wrong, I like vegging in front of the tube and I do have favorite shows.  But Mom and I both have addictive natures, and we are very much aware that if we actually paid for TV we would feel the need to watch more.  Speaking of vegging, I had to look up the spelling…  I guess I spelled it right but it looks like “egging” with a “v” in front to me.   English… whatchya gonna do?

Anyway…

Fast forward to 2004, when Aunt Joyce came to live with us. She got us hooked on NCIS and CSI.  CSI is off the air now, but NCIS has like 3 different flavors to choose from, and we love every one of them. Still; we’re talking free TV.  I do have to confess a bit here:  we upgraded our “high speed wireless” internet, which was slightly better than dial-up; to some screaming fast Comcast internet.  A whopping 25 Mbps!!  OK so that’s not screaming fast… but I’m a cheapskate, remember??   Then I made the mistake of getting a trial version of Netflix when my Beautiful Girlfriend was recovering from knee surgery.  We’re way past the trial period now; although we go for the rock-bottom rate of $8.99 a month.  OK… more confessions we do have a few dollars going out the door for entertainment.  With the internet, contributions to PBS, Netflix, and CBS All Access (sometimes channel 3 is naughty and won’t come in worth a poop), we pay a whopping $51 a month for more than enough TV.

As I listen to more and more folks talk about shows on platforms like HBO Max, Amazon Prime, Disney, and so on; I’m thinking there appears to be a growing subscription addiction in our culture.  More and more people are paying for more and more internet and TV stuff.  And of course there also seem to be lots of folks who simply must have the latest gadgets to watch their shows or play their games. It’s getting to the point where there’s really no need to go outside anymore with all the junk you can watch on TV or all the interactive gaming you can do in high-speed internet.  I also saw a report a while back (on TV of course) that more and more Americans are suffering from vitamin D deficiency.  So they’re rattling off all the ways you can get more vitamin D in your diet.  Well guess what folks, back in the “old days,” meaning before the internet and cable TV, vitamin D was called “the sunshine vitamin.”  In other words, your body actually makes vitamin D when you’re outside in the day time.   Is that a weird idea or what??  Going outside I mean…  But then, even when folks do go outside, you can see all too many of them fixated on their handheld doohicky thingamabobs.

Guess I’m a dinosaur.  I still love the Beatles and The Three Stooges.  We heat with firewood.  We grow organic vegetables.  We do stuff with friends that does not involve electronic gadgets.  And so far, I have not become so enmeshed in the habit of watching the tube that I have to worry about video-addictive behavior problems.  Perhaps recovery groups will spring from this trend… you know, places that are actually out of the home where people can discuss their multimedia dependencies with others, and maybe even have some real-time interaction with live bodies.  And if I ever become one of those who is hopelessly addicted to TV, etc., I hope I have the courage to change the things I can.  I’ll go to my first meeting, clutch my cup of coffee, and say the magically freeing words:

“Hi, my name is Ken, and I’m a vidiot.”

When our grandsons have a tradition of watching cartoons before bed time.  Prehistoric cartoons, of course!!

Acronyms? No!! OMG!! WTF??!!

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It seems nobody uses complete words anymore. At least, this has become normal while texting or instant messaging. TY means “thank you,” OMG means “Oh My God,” and then there’s the naughty one of WTF, which of course means “Where’s The Fish,”… or something. Many people say these are acronyms; but last I knew, an acronym was formed when you used the initials of several words to make yet another word. Being the curious noodle head that I am, I had to look it up. If you can’t make a real word, then it’s at least something with vowels and consonants mixed together into a form you can actually read and pronounce. NATO, UNICEF, and UNESCO are some examples.

So things like OMG and LOL are actually examples of initialism; of which I had never known until I started writing this “Happy Friday!!!” I’ll probably continue to refer to the text thingies as acronyms, because if I call them initialisms, people will probably wonder if I’m some sort of subversive nerd clown geek bug biter weirdo person.

Anyway…

I’m retired now, but we used an instant messaging program at work pretty extensively. It could also be a source of amusement, for me at least. I used it as a stress buster and sent obscure ditties to my friends like: “I probably won’t put my nose in the toaster today,” or maybe “Listen!! Do you smell something?? I can’t even see in here with all this noise!!” I copy the first line and send it to a friend; then paste it into message windows for several other friends. Must help them smile, because I’d get yelled at when I got too busy to send out the sillies. “Hey Ken,” they’d complain, “where’s my silly text for today??”

The chat program can also have legitimate work purposes, like gathering information. I used it regularly to ask quick questions. Most people were pretty considerate and answer quickly; but one of my favorite times was waiting for the other person to reply and they’d say, “brb,” for “be right back.” And then of course they forgot about you. So, I found myself texting people more and more often with the words: “OK to call?” Don’t get me wrong, texting can be useful, but many, many times it is more useful to actually speak into a phone. Much faster too really. Dunno about you, but even though I can type quickly, I can say the words way faster than I can type them.

Then you have the people who use abbreviations (initialisms? acronyms?) so frequently that communication grinds to a halt. For example, I was trying to pick a cohort’s brain about a computer problem. I typed what I thought the solution was, and his reply was, “imho, yes.” “Imho?” I typed back. Then I teased him and texted, “mgype? E I E I O??” Finally I broke down and asked him what “imho” means, and he replied “in my humble opinion.”  Sheesh!! So is this the way of the future? People are just gonna make up stuff in short hand and expect the other person to understand? I mean, Oh My God!! Where’s The Fish??

I still send out silly stuff; but since I’m no longer at work I enjoy sending messages to friends and family.  You know, important texts like, “My nostrils have been coated with varnish again,” or maybe, “why don’t we go out for a nice cup of cabbage and celebrate the arrival of the New Dust Amplifiers?” I’ll shy away from the abbreviations, thank you very much.

If you don’t like it, SMT!! (Smell My Toes!!)

And now for something… completely different:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1Sw0PDgHU4

Random Grandson Thoughts

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When the grandsons are here, I often ask them to give me ideas on what to write for “Happy Friday!!!” installments. Well today I got some rather interesting (albeit random) suggestions. So as is the custom when they are here for a visit, I will try to incorporate their silliness into some of my silliness so the silliness is as silly as possible.

Please to endure the bold italics that will be used to highlight their contributions, of which this sentence is not one, nor even part of one, it’s just a random sentence I decided to compose to annoy anyone who is not fond of run-on sentences that just seem to go on and on without any particular reason; with liberty and justice for all.

OK. Time for the real silliness.

When I first asked for a story idea, Gabe told me, “I have ketchup plants growing out of my ears. The ketchup plants in my ears have giraffes biting them, I mean munching them.” So I may (or may not) have answered thusly: “Oh really?? Is this the only way you can try to reach for that imitation toothpaste dispenser?? I’m not sure you understand how purple all those invisible milk molecules can be during a pancake storm. I’ll check back with you in a few weeks to see if you’ve invented any new cheese boppers.”

Gabe left me no choice but to ask his older brother Ollie for some “Happy Friday!!!” fodder. “Ollie,” I said calmly, “do you have any story ideas?” Ollie smirked and then he began to fribble and vossilate while he chortled, “The clan of cats called The Geraldines were on the hunt for mosquitoes the size of a house; so they could cook them over a fire and yell at them for no reason.” “Well alrighty then,” I shrugged, wondering if either of these two grandsons of mine had ever really understood the meaning of using Twinkies for a spare tire.

In very short order their interest shifted back to their video games. “The villagers just keep mining,” Ollie told Gabe. “Yeah, they’re not the smartest aliens in the book,” Gabe replied. Upon asking for more input, a flurry of activity ensued…

Ollie: “My dog just ate all the bread in the house.”

Gabe: “My nose is filled with ketchup.”

Ollie: “The wall is bleeding burger grease.“

Gabe: “It can be anything random it doesn’t have to be funny? Sniggly boo!!”

Ollie: “Here we observe the bear and its natural habitat bathing with fried fish and soup. The moldy chicken nuggets that live in the pantry are raiding the village of onions.”

Gabe: “Turtle.”

At this point, I said, “thank you, and good night.”

Don’t Wait!! (Some Things MUST Be Said…)

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I consider myself a very fortunate person. Not sure why I’ve been given so much in this Life, but I’m very grateful for all of it. I have a Beautiful Girlfriend who loves me (she even let me marry her!!) and gave birth to two Beautiful Children. I have friends who love me. I have a warm place to sleep at night, and plenty of food. Cars that work and are paid free and clear. I could go on and on, but that would just keep me at this keyboard for many hundreds of years.

I don’t want to type for that long. At least not without a break or two.

I’ve received 66 trips around the sun, so I’m getting pretty close to being an Old Fart. Hopefully, I’ve learned a few Important Things along the way. By Important Things, I’m not referring to the stuff I had to know for my job (I’m retired now, so nyaa nyaa na boo boo to you, ha ha ha!).  The Important Things I’ve learned are basically Important Things that I’m still learning:  how to get along with others.  Some examples:

1) How to Be a Friend.

R) How to Set Boundaries.

4.9) How to Forgive; and of course

Q!) How to Love.

These Important Things did not appear to me in a dream; nor did I magically learn them by osmosis, or by reading any manuals. No, instead I went to several Schools of Hard Knocks; and many of these Knocks were directed at my Hard Head. I had to have experiences and make many mistakes before getting any good at items 1 thru Q! above. Made some folks very sad and probably very angry with me. And some folks made me very sad and angry at times.

After several years of Hard Knocking, I slowly began to learn how to wear Big Boy Pants (and no, I didn’t steal them from the restaurant guy). I learned that striving for love and peace is much more rewarding and valuable than striving to be terminally correct while yelling “I think you eat from the cat litter box!!” at people.  I’m working at keeping my “Mr. Know-It-All Disease” in remission by often repeating some lines from my favorite Scrooge movie:

“I don’t know anything.  I never did know anything.  But now I know I don’t know anything!!”

Maybe just being an old fart has caused me to mellow. Maybe I just got tired of being an angry stinker punk all the time. Whatever the case, I’m finally catching on to the fact that our time here is limited; and that every thought and action really counts. As a friend of mine recently said, “the human mortality rate is 100%;” meaning we’re all gonna die; so there’s no time like the present to make our world a better place.

I truly believe one of the easiest and most effective ways for me to help make the world a better place is through love and understanding.  I need to work on expressing love to everyone I meet, regardless of where they might be on Life’s Journey.  If I remember correctly there are some religious texts that say weird things like “love thy neighbor as thyself.”  Well maybe even better than thyself.  So I really do try to love everybody.  Does that mean I like everybody?  Um… no.  If I find you icky I probably won’t invite you to my house for a delicious bowl of raisins with gravy followed with a nice grapefruit milkshake for dessert.  I believe The Creators want us to be kind; regardless of whom we may encounter. Again, that doesn’t necessarily mean I need to like them; just need to realize that we are all part of the fabric of humanity.

I think it’s really crucial to do these things quickly and gracefully, because none of us knows how much time we have left here. I’m learning how to disagree without being disagreeable. And I’m learning that procrastination, when it comes to saying “I’m sorry,” or “I Love You,” is not very helpful at all. So, I try to mend fences with kindness when I run into conflict. And I say “I Love You” often to those who are near and dear to me.

I don’t want to drag my feet with the Important Things ever again if I can help it. So to all of you out there in Happy Friday Land, I Love You. If you don’t believe me, just ask me some time.

When we turn on the TV or the radio we see and hear all kinds of really bad news. That, unfortunately, is because bad news, for some weird reason, has become more profitable than good news.  Our country is going through some very tough times right now.   The spreading of lies and the sowing of distrust have caused all too many of our fellow humans to lose sight of facts.  In my professional opinion (worth about 3 or 4 cents on the open market), those who have gone so far as to stage an insurrection have been driven to a sort of madness by all the lies and deception they’ve been absorbing.  So much hatred.  So much intolerance.  So much focus on horrible things, real or imagined.

You may have to look under the headlines, but with a little effort you’ll find that there really is good news out there.  My friends, it really is a Wonderful World we live in.  Many of you are aware that there’s even a song about it; and here are my two favorite versions.

In my professional opinion, both should be played loudly.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWzrABouyeE

Save The Country: The Truth Shall Set You Free

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On December 8, 1941, President Franklin D. Roosevelt gave a speech that rocked the nation. The first sentence is indelibly burned into the memories of anyone who has even a slight knowledge of American history: “Yesterday, December 7, 1941 – a date that will live in infamy – the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.” These words, of course, were delivered to the country the day after the attack on Pearl Harbor. Very shortly afterward, we were launched into World War II and our citizens worked together in toil and sacrifice to defeat the evil foreign empires of Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan. Another “date that will live in infamy” is September 11, 2001; when al-Qaeda terrorists attacked our country in New York, Washington D.C., and Pennsylvania.

And it is with great sadness that we must now add January 6, 2021 to the list of dates that will live in infamy. However, for the first time in our history, the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by a mob of our own citizens; and what adds insult to injury is that this mob was urged to do so by the words of President Donald Trump. Many of us dreaded that such a day might come; but I believe in my heart that those of us who were experiencing such dread were also not surprised.

Shocked, but not surprised.

In 2016, our citizens lawfully elected, to our nation’s highest office, a man with a long history of deceit and complete disregard for anything or anyone that did not yield him personal gain. In the midst of growing distrust in politics, he presented himself as a savior; and boasted promises of cleaning up what he labeled a completely corrupt federal government by “draining the swamp.” And while some of his assertions were true, his favorite methods of effecting change involved spreading falsehoods about and then demonizing anyone who stood in his way. Prior to his entry into office in 2016 he spread false assertions about the integrity of our elections; stating that he would accept the results of the election “…if I win.” And of course, he again attacked the integrity of the 2020 election several months prior to Election Day; spreading lies about “irregularities” that did not exist. Upon losing, he launched numerous unsuccessful legal battles to overturn verified results.

Sadly, a number of his supporters both in and out of government were willing to enable President Trump’s behavior, and even publicly agreed with lies that were being blasted to our citizenry over the airwaves and in social media. And after numerous verifications that he lost the 2020 election, rather than accept the will of the voters, our President and members of his circle instead chose to continue lying about nonexistent voter fraud and proclaim publicly that the election was stolen from him. In a final fanfare of desperation, he urged a mob to march on the Capitol, and of course the resulting coup attempt will forever be a stain on our democracy.

Thankfully, after the Capitol was once again secure, our Congress was able show the world that our democracy did indeed survive; and they performed what should have been a ceremonial acknowledgment of the results of the Electoral College: that Joe Biden and Kamala Harris would be the new President and Vice President of the United States. Of course, Democrats and Republicans alike were shaken. Democrats spoke up. Thankfully, a number of Republicans also spoke up. And while a minority of the Republican party still seems willing to perpetuate false claims made by the President, I was very grateful for those who expressed disgust at the result of Wednesday’s rally.

If you’re old like me, you may remember that Mitt Romney ran for president against Barack Obama in 2012. I didn’t vote for Senator Romney back then. Although I didn’t agree with much of his platform in 2012, I’ve always very much admired him as a man of honor. Honor. That’s what’s missing in too many of our elected officials. Not all, but even one is too many. Truth. All we ask is that we get truth when our elected officials speak to us.

Below is a copy of the speech Mitt delivered to the nation this past Wednesday night after Congress reconvened. I very much agree with every word he spoke during that historic session.

“We gather today due to a selfish man’s injured pride and the outrage of his supporters whom he has deliberately misinformed for the past two months and stirred to action this very morning. What happened here today was an insurrection, incited by the President of the United States. Those who choose to continue to support his dangerous gambit by objecting to the results of a legitimate, democratic election will forever be seen as being complicit in an unprecedented attack against our democracy. They will be remembered for their role in this shameful episode in American history. That will be their legacy.

“The objectors have claimed they are doing so on behalf of the voters. Have an audit, they say, to satisfy the many people who believe that the election was stolen. Please! No Congressional led audit will ever convince those voters, particularly when the President will continue to claim that the election was stolen. The best way we can show respect for the voters who are upset is by telling them the truth. That is the burden, and the duty, of leadership. The truth is that President-elect Biden won this election. President Trump lost. Scores of courts, the President’s own Attorney General, and state election officials both Republican and Democrat have reached this unequivocal decision.

“We must not be intimidated or prevented from fulfilling our constitutional duty. We must continue with the count of electoral college votes. In light of today’s sad circumstances, I ask my colleagues: Do we weigh our own political fortunes more heavily than we weigh the strength of our Republic, the strength of our democracy, and the cause of freedom? What is the weight of personal acclaim compared to the weight of conscience?

“Leader McConnell said that the vote today is the most important in his 40 plus years of public service. That is not because this vote reveals something about the election; it is because this vote reveals something about ourselves. I urge my colleagues to move forward with completing the electoral count, to refrain from further objections, and to unanimously affirm the legitimacy of the presidential election.”

Thank you very much, Mitt!!

Happy 2021 to YOU!!

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Dear Earthlings,

At this time I would like to wish you a Very Happy Merry and and Extremely Joyful Wonderful. New Year. To you. In 2021. With sentence fragments. Batteries not included.

Thank you.

Holy MOLY 2020 was a very cronkulous year, no? Well it really was, because I just wrote it back there. In that previous sentence. Which was not a sentence fragment. Like I’m doing now. And if you’re not familiar with the word “cronkulous,” that’s likely due to the fact that I invented that silly word. You see, it’s like this: the German word for “sick” is “krank (pronounced cronk).” Therefore, since there was much blech and baroop and yukkity-poo during the year we cronkulously refer to as 2020, I took it upon myself to again take liberties with words and language in an effort to both amuse you and get you to agree with me that HOLY MOLY I’m kinda glad 2020 is not here anymore; in spite of my continued use of run-on sentences (which I don’t plan to discontinue from this silly column any time soon).

Very cronkulous indeed.

But now we are forging ahead into 2021, which for some reason I’m having difficulty typing. I keep typing 20201 and having to backspace to correct it to 2021, but that’s no fault of yours. A new year will hopefully bring relief from this deadly virus; and perhaps will also bring a few rays of sunshine into an otherwise cronkulous atmosphere of government barfwater and complete disregard for scientific yodeling and other forms of vertical Zoom sessions.

It is therefore in the spirit of greatly remarkable (and hopefully NOT cronkulous) personal betterment that I inflict upon all of you some of my New Year’s Resolutions for 2021. Please keep in mind that I may or may not achieve these lofty goals, but I will state them nonetheless, with hopes that I either succeed in my improvement endeavors or just go hide behind the compost pile until 2024. So without further ado, here are some of my resolutions.

1) I hereby proclaim that I will announce the declaration of my intent to disclose and therefore publicize communications to reveal and make known that which I shall divulge in a public manner. In other words, I’m gonna say stuff to people. Out loud. Nice things only.

*7) Remember that one thing I was gonna do the other day and I completely forgot my cat ate the little pieces of cheese I left lying on the counter? Neither do I. Sheesh, I wish I could find my electric crayon sharpener!!

H) There’s gonna be a reckoning around our house, I promise!! The dishes will be taught to wash themselves and crawl back into the cupboard at the snap of my fingers. You don’t believe me? Well you just wait!! I’ll call you when they start stacking up, and you can help me with the cleaning overload stinky surprise!! That oughta teach us!!

9x) One project I’ve never started and also never wanted to pursue is to learn how to sing Don McLean’s famous song, “American Pie” in reverse, and also in Swahili. Should be very flatulent!

Q@) What the HECK is that digital clock doing in the pantry again?? Doesn’t it know neither the potatoes, nor the flour, nor the macaroni have any idea of how to tell what their countries of origin are? Very indisputable. Very indisputable indeed!!

5i) Someone stole my pickled herring!!! Oh man, this is terrible. It was right there last night when I awoke at 3:15 AM to go tinkle and then I went on the hunt for a snack. And yes, of course I washed my hands!! Oh wait, it’s on the other shelf in the fridge. WHEW!!

Well, perhaps you all get the idea by now. All my New Year’s resolutions are extraordinary and completely disreputable, and will only serve to enhance my reputation as a rapscallion. However, one resolution I really do embrace each and every year is this: try to do better. And to complement that idea, I’ll throw in another: treat every living creature with kindness and love.

And yes, that includes all of YOU.

I sincerely hope 2021 brings good fortune to you and your loved ones. Hey, it’s gotta be better than 2020, right?

On the other hand, there was George and Gracie…

All I Want(ed) For Christmas

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If I had one wish to make for this Holiday Season, it would be for everyone in the Universe to be as blessed as we are. We are safe and warm in our home. We have plenty of food. We have cars that are paid for; and we’re healthy enough to drive them. We have family and friends whom we love dearly. We are happy most of the time; and when we have struggles we’ve been able to work through them or at least accept what is happening.

In other words, we are wealthy (but not rich).

I remember being asked what I wanted out of life when my Beautiful Girlfriend and I were first married. Although we were strongly advised against it, we married at the ripe old age of 19. Due to some rather distressing challenges from our parents we were ready to strike out on our own, come what may. And we were very sure we’d make it through thick and thin. Having grown up during the 1960’s, we were repulsed by rampant consumerism; and often referred to ourselves as “spoiled Americans.” Actually, we still say that. So my pat answer to the question, “What do you want out of life?” has remained the same since the very early days of our marriage: “all I want in life is the love of a beautiful woman, enough land to grow some food, and a kick-ass stereo.”

I’ve acquired all those wants many moons ago. I’m very grateful to say that the Beautiful Woman who has put up with me for the past 48 years is still my One and Only. After 47 years of practice (we dated a little over a year before marriage), we’ve become pretty good at this soulmate stuff. Yes, we made it through thick and thin; but over the years our thin selves have gotten a bit thicker, if you know what I mean.

Hurray for comfort food!!

So I have no wants. And all my needs have been met many times over. As I mentioned before, I consider myself a “spoiled American.” Some of us get together from time to time and discuss life, the universe, and everything. Gratitude is often one of the topics, and a friend of mine likes to say, “98% of the world’s population would love to have the problems I have.” Well maybe his math is a bit over the top, but suffice it to say that there are way too many folks out there who are not nearly as fortunate as we are.

As I sit here writing this in my comfortable home, I’m sending prayers out to all who are suffering; whether from the pandemic or any myriad of life’s other challenges. This time of year inevitably finds many of us in reflection; whether we’re chuckling from a happy memory or crying our eyes out during one of our favorite tear-jerking Christmas movies.

I sincerely hope all who read this are well; and that the coming year brings better times. If we all work together and do our best to spread love and kindness, 2021 can turn out to be a pretty amazing year.

Speaking of tear-jerking Christmas movies, this has been my favorite since I was a child. And yes, at the end, I cry like a baby.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gu6-JC9UtE4

My Holiday Requirements for 2020

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Dear Delightful Human People,

If you’ve been reading “Happy Friday!!!” for as long as I’ve been writing it, please accept my apology because I never meant to harm anyone; and if I’ve made you smile once or twice I consider that my privilege and I hope to continue provoking smiles and perhaps even laughter by writing silly and sometimes not so silly things until Herbert, my pet fountain pen, can no longer hit the keys of my computer keyboard thing to write all the things that are stuffed into a run-on sentence that is way too long.

Whew!

So yeah, like if you’ve been reading this silly thing for more than a year, then perhaps you know that this time of year inspires me to issue a mandate to all mankind regarding the items I expect to receive during the Holiday season. Perhaps you may find it a bit greedy of me to demand that I be showered with gifts; but that’s OK, because as long as everyone gets me everything I’m about to list there will be no need to worry about the safety of the sawdust piles that lurk in the ditches of my sock drawer.

Or something.

Very well then. I shall now commence to issue the list of things I’m sure all of you will agree are required for me to receive this year.

A) Please send 347 fifty gallon containers of that new “Corona Oh No” juice I saw on TV during my dream last Wednesday. I guess it works really well; and what you do is pump up the included spray canister and zap anyone who’s not wearing a mask when they come near you. It really gets their attention and has the added benefit of glowing in the dark so others will be alerted when the lights go out.

G1) I’m definitely gonna need some new battery operated spice jars. My current ones are unreliable, and yesterday my Lovely Wife complained greatly when our breakfast had too much oregano in the oatmeal. I’d like to stay married, so please make sure I get the new kind with the solar amplification modules.

11) As you all know, COVID has most restaurants basically only doing take out these days. I like take out. However, I don’t understand why some of my favorites don’t show up on take out menus. I mean, you can’t even get regular stuff like sardine sandwiches, Soup on a Stick, or even Chicken Cockamamie. What is this world coming to??

&) This year I’ll need many more bags of potato chips please. Yes, I know the ones from last year are all stacked neatly in my garage; but in my professional opinion, there’s simply no such thing as too many potato chips. What? Why didn’t I eat the old ones? Do you know how difficult it is to stack bags of potato chips 14 high and have the pile be presentable?? Sheesh!!

Red) Oh yes, I’ll need you to special order me some Peter Pumpernickel’s Pickled Herring Pot Pies. That brand is the very best, you see. Of course, if you can’t find those, I’ll settle for Oscar Olafsen’s Chocolate Covered Oyster Candies. Mmmmmm those are disgusting.

z5) OH WOW!! I remember where I left the spare tire for my minivan!! Hope that guy doesn’t mind me driving through his cornfield again…

4b) Just saw an ad in the paper!! The new X-Box with the power assist cheese slicer is on sale this week for a mere $376.29 at all local mattress stores!! Get one today!! Oh and get me one too!! And what’s up with all these extra exclamation points?? Oh and now it’s extra question marks?? What the heck!?!?!?!

Tell you what: instead of wracking your brain trying to figure out what to get for me; I’ll make it very simple: just sell all your stuff and bring me the money.

Thank you.

OK, that should keep you all busy for a few microseconds. But seriously folks, all I really want is the same old thing I’ve always wanted for every Holiday I can remember. I just want Peace, Love, and Kindness to be the guiding principles for all of us on the planet. And of course that means that we must all treat our dear Mother Nature with Love and Respect too. Dunno about you, but at our house we are blessed in so many ways. We try to give back, and hope that if any of you out there can afford it that you would please give to charities or somehow help those in need.

And as always, if you’ve actually read this far, thank you for being you. And please remember that it’s always better to be you than for you to be me, and although you can count to it, eight is a word.

Und now we go to da Grampy cartoon awreddy

SO Much Turkey!

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The turkey is gone!! The turkey is gone!! May the bells chime happy clanging of no more turkey!!

Dunno about you folks, but at this house we really love turkey. So of course, the Thanksgiving meal is always welcome around here. We had ours last Sunday; and as usual I was the chief cook: sweet potatoes, regular mashed potatoes and gravy, Brussels sprouts from the garden, stuffin’ muffins, a relish tray of black and green olives, sweet and dill pickles, and even some pickled okra for a little variety, and of course pumpkin pie.

Oh, and there was this 21 pound bird…

I may have overestimated a bit this time. I figured with all 7 of us, which included two rapidly growing grandsons, we’d need some extra meat. Well some extra is OK… but HOLY MOLY we had a lot left over! I surmised that all that surplus turkey would be very enjoyable in the form of “Leftover Delight,” as Mom used to call it. Well when I got all done deboning the bird, it was quite obvious that my Beautiful Girlfriend and I would get just a wee bit weary of eating turkey for 13 days in a row.

After the initial turkey dinner leftovers; I tried to switch it up a bit. You know, turkey salad sandwiches, stuff like that. However, I apparently pushed my poor Honey Pie over the too-doggoned-much threshold and when I asked if she wanted any turkey the other day she shot back with an emphatic “Noooo!!!” Understandable… so we took a break for a couple days. Well today we had the last of the turkey. And yes, it was in the form of turkey salad.

Perhaps next year I could try branching out a bit with the turkey entrées. Some ideas that rattled around in my silly brain today are:

Pickled Turkey

Turkey Waffles

Turkey On A Stick

Wild Turkey Surprise (a nod to Bugs Bunny)

Turkey Omelette

Peanut Butter and Turkey Jelly (yuck!!)

Turkey Ice Cream

Spaghetti and Turkey Meatballs

Imitation Turkey (exactly the same as imitation crab, only with turkey!)

Turkey Kaboom (turkey with a surprise firecracker)

Those of you who know me are aware that I could go on and on, and of course the “dishes” would become sillier and sillier. So I’ll stop now. Please forgive me. Or don’t!! But whatever you do, please don’t tell my Lovely Bride that there’s still some of that leftover turkey in the freezer.

At least, not for awhile.

Well this week’s video has nothing to do with turkey. I switched it up you see… to um… chicken.

Here’s To F.N. Brussels Sprouts And Deer With No Eyes

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I always get a little gooshy around this time of year. With the holidays upon us, I can’t help but reflect on past years. I have much to be thankful for, and even though I’m grateful most of the time, the holiday season deepens the appreciation somehow. A cultural thing I guess.

After turning 18, I entered into “party hearty” mode. That lasted for 17 years… what began as “having fun” evolved into fun plus problems, and then finally my partying habits produced very little fun but very large problems. Considering all the “fun” I had literally poisoning myself, I’m pretty lucky to be alive, let alone happy and healthy. Amazing how much better life got after I was finally willing to grow up!!

These days, I still “party hearty,” but it has absolutely nothing to do with intoxicants. Nope, none of that monkey business anymore. Instead, sharing a meal with close friends; maybe watching a movie with them, now those are good times. And of course with all these good times, very happy memories are made.

Thanksgiving kicks off a season of remembering too. I once heard it said that the best way to honor the dead is to love the living. Another way, in my book anyway, is to relate a story about a lost loved one that makes others smile. One of my favorite stories I tell around this time of year is when our dear friend Lew and his Beautiful Wife came over for what turned out to be his last Thanksgiving on this Earth. It was my turn to make Thanksgiving dinner, and Lew noticed I was cooking Brussels sprouts.

“Oh Ken! I see you’re making Brussels sprouts,” he said.

“Yeah Lew, you like Brussels sprouts?” I replied,

“F*&% NO!!” he exclaimed; at which point we all burst into laughter.

We’ve had Thanksgiving at his Beautiful Wife’s house every year since then, and every year she’d make “F.N. Brussels Sprouts” in honor of her dear departed hubby. We use the initials because there are grandchildren, you see.  This year, however, because of COVID, we’ve agreed that it might not be too safe to dine at our Beautiful Friend’s house.  Holy POOP I hate this damn virus!!  Hopefully next year we can resume the tradition.

Another dear departed friend is our friend Tommy, who passed away all too suddenly a few years ago.  He too had a marvelous sense of humor, and I’ve been honoring his memory thusly:

“What do you call a deer with no eyes?” he asked,

“I give up,” I said,

“No eye deer!!” he chuckled; and continued: “how about a deer with no eyes and no legs?”

“Dunno,” I smiled.

“Still no eye deer!!” And of course the grand finale: “How about a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no genitalia?”

“What?” I asked.

“Still no f*&%ing eye deer!!” and of course we both laughed. Naturally only “big people” get to hear the last part of the joke, and I always ask permission before telling the naughty part.

As I relate these stories, my memories of other loved ones lost over the years flood into my brain. Mom and Dad, grandparents, even cousins… and of course friends and yes, even children of friends. These memories, coupled with all those mushy holiday movies, will often make my eyes leak at the drop of a hat. Memories and gratitude. That’s what slams home the holidays for me. I’m so doggoned fortunate it’s ridiculous.  Thank you God for everything.

I sincerely hope all of you have a safe and enjoyable Thanksgiving.  And if you are able, please donate to your favorite charity so they can help those who are struggling.

Now for the silly video.  This is an oldie but a goodie from Tex Avery about a turkey who outfoxed the hunter; but they both got it in the end…