Save The Country: The Truth Shall Set You Free

On December 8, 1941, President Franklin D. Roosevelt gave a speech that rocked the nation. The first sentence is indelibly burned into the memories of anyone who has even a slight knowledge of American history: “Yesterday, December 7, 1941 – a date that will live in infamy – the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.” These words, of course, were delivered to the country the day after the attack on Pearl Harbor. Very shortly afterward, we were launched into World War II and our citizens worked together in toil and sacrifice to defeat the evil foreign empires of Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan. Another “date that will live in infamy” is September 11, 2001; when al-Qaeda terrorists attacked our country in New York, Washington D.C., and Pennsylvania.

And it is with great sadness that we must now add January 6, 2021 to the list of dates that will live in infamy. However, for the first time in our history, the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by a mob of our own citizens; and what adds insult to injury is that this mob was urged to do so by the words of President Donald Trump. Many of us dreaded that such a day might come; but I believe in my heart that those of us who were experiencing such dread were also not surprised.

Shocked, but not surprised.

In 2016, our citizens lawfully elected, to our nation’s highest office, a man with a long history of deceit and complete disregard for anything or anyone that did not yield him personal gain. In the midst of growing distrust in politics, he presented himself as a savior; and boasted promises of cleaning up what he labeled a completely corrupt federal government by “draining the swamp.” And while some of his assertions were true, his favorite methods of effecting change involved spreading falsehoods about and then demonizing anyone who stood in his way. Prior to his entry into office in 2016 he spread false assertions about the integrity of our elections; stating that he would accept the results of the election “…if I win.” And of course, he again attacked the integrity of the 2020 election several months prior to Election Day; spreading lies about “irregularities” that did not exist. Upon losing, he launched numerous unsuccessful legal battles to overturn verified results.

Sadly, a number of his supporters both in and out of government were willing to enable President Trump’s behavior, and even publicly agreed with lies that were being blasted to our citizenry over the airwaves and in social media. And after numerous verifications that he lost the 2020 election, rather than accept the will of the voters, our President and members of his circle instead chose to continue lying about nonexistent voter fraud and proclaim publicly that the election was stolen from him. In a final fanfare of desperation, he urged a mob to march on the Capitol, and of course the resulting coup attempt will forever be a stain on our democracy.

Thankfully, after the Capitol was once again secure, our Congress was able show the world that our democracy did indeed survive; and they performed what should have been a ceremonial acknowledgment of the results of the Electoral College: that Joe Biden and Kamala Harris would be the new President and Vice President of the United States. Of course, Democrats and Republicans alike were shaken. Democrats spoke up. Thankfully, a number of Republicans also spoke up. And while a minority of the Republican party still seems willing to perpetuate false claims made by the President, I was very grateful for those who expressed disgust at the result of Wednesday’s rally.

If you’re old like me, you may remember that Mitt Romney ran for president against Barack Obama in 2012. I didn’t vote for Senator Romney back then. Although I didn’t agree with much of his platform in 2012, I’ve always very much admired him as a man of honor. Honor. That’s what’s missing in too many of our elected officials. Not all, but even one is too many. Truth. All we ask is that we get truth when our elected officials speak to us.

Below is a copy of the speech Mitt delivered to the nation this past Wednesday night after Congress reconvened. I very much agree with every word he spoke during that historic session.

“We gather today due to a selfish man’s injured pride and the outrage of his supporters whom he has deliberately misinformed for the past two months and stirred to action this very morning. What happened here today was an insurrection, incited by the President of the United States. Those who choose to continue to support his dangerous gambit by objecting to the results of a legitimate, democratic election will forever be seen as being complicit in an unprecedented attack against our democracy. They will be remembered for their role in this shameful episode in American history. That will be their legacy.

“The objectors have claimed they are doing so on behalf of the voters. Have an audit, they say, to satisfy the many people who believe that the election was stolen. Please! No Congressional led audit will ever convince those voters, particularly when the President will continue to claim that the election was stolen.
The best way we can show respect for the voters who are upset is by telling them the truth. That is the burden, and the duty, of leadership. The truth is that President-elect Biden won this election. President Trump lost. Scores of courts, the President’s own Attorney General, and state election officials both Republican and Democrat have reached this unequivocal decision.

“We must not be intimidated or prevented from fulfilling our constitutional duty. We must continue with the count of electoral college votes. In light of today’s sad circumstances, I ask my colleagues: Do we weigh our own political fortunes more heavily than we weigh the strength of our Republic, the strength of our democracy, and the cause of freedom? What is the weight of personal acclaim compared to the weight of conscience?

“Leader McConnell said that the vote today is the most important in his 40 plus years of public service. That is not because this vote reveals something about the election; it is because this vote reveals something about ourselves. I urge my colleagues to move forward with completing the electoral count, to refrain from further objections, and to unanimously affirm the legitimacy of the presidential election.”

Thank you very much, Mitt!!

Happy 2021 to YOU!!

Dear Earthlings,

At this time I would like to wish you a Very Happy Merry and and Extremely Joyful Wonderful. New Year. To you. In 2021. With sentence fragments. Batteries not included.

Thank you.

Holy MOLY 2020 was a very cronkulous year, no? Well it really was, because I just wrote it back there. In that previous sentence. Which was not a sentence fragment. Like I’m doing now. And if you’re not familiar with the word “cronkulous,” that’s likely due to the fact that I invented that silly word. You see, it’s like this: the German word for “sick” is “krank (pronounced cronk).” Therefore, since there was much blech and baroop and yukkity-poo during the year we cronkulously refer to as 2020, I took it upon myself to again take liberties with words and language in an effort to both amuse you and get you to agree with me that HOLY MOLY I’m kinda glad 2020 is not here anymore; in spite of my continued use of run-on sentences (which I don’t plan to discontinue from this silly column any time soon).

Very cronkulous indeed.

But now we are forging ahead into 2021, which for some reason I’m having difficulty typing. I keep typing 20201 and having to backspace to correct it to 2021, but that’s no fault of yours. A new year will hopefully bring relief from this deadly virus; and perhaps will also bring a few rays of sunshine into an otherwise cronkulous atmosphere of government barfwater and complete disregard for scientific yodeling and other forms of vertical Zoom sessions.

It is therefore in the spirit of greatly remarkable (and hopefully NOT cronkulous) personal betterment that I inflict upon all of you some of my New Year’s Resolutions for 2021. Please keep in mind that I may or may not achieve these lofty goals, but I will state them nonetheless, with hopes that I either succeed in my improvement endeavors or just go hide behind the compost pile until 2024. So without further ado, here are some of my resolutions.

1) I hereby proclaim that I will announce the declaration of my intent to disclose and therefore publicize communications to reveal and make known that which I shall divulge in a public manner. In other words, I’m gonna say stuff to people. Out loud. Nice things only.

*7) Remember that one thing I was gonna do the other day and I completely forgot my cat ate the little pieces of cheese I left lying on the counter? Neither do I. Sheesh, I wish I could find my electric crayon sharpener!!

H) There’s gonna be a reckoning around our house, I promise!! The dishes will be taught to wash themselves and crawl back into the cupboard at the snap of my fingers. You don’t believe me? Well you just wait!! I’ll call you when they start stacking up, and you can help me with the cleaning overload stinky surprise!! That oughta teach us!!

9x) One project I’ve never started and also never wanted to pursue is to learn how to sing Don McLean’s famous song, “American Pie” in reverse, and also in Swahili. Should be very flatulent!

Q@) What the HECK is that digital clock doing in the pantry again?? Doesn’t it know neither the potatoes, nor the flour, nor the macaroni have any idea of how to tell what their countries of origin are? Very indisputable. Very indisputable indeed!!

5i) Someone stole my pickled herring!!! Oh man, this is terrible. It was right there last night when I awoke at 3:15 AM to go tinkle and then I went on the hunt for a snack. And yes, of course I washed my hands!! Oh wait, it’s on the other shelf in the fridge. WHEW!!

Well, perhaps you all get the idea by now. All my New Year’s resolutions are extraordinary and completely disreputable, and will only serve to enhance my reputation as a rapscallion. However, one resolution I really do embrace each and every year is this: try to do better. And to complement that idea, I’ll throw in another: treat every living creature with kindness and love.

And yes, that includes all of YOU.

I sincerely hope 2021 brings good fortune to you and your loved ones. Hey, it’s gotta be better than 2020, right?

On the other hand, there was George and Gracie…

All I Want(ed) For Christmas

If I had one wish to make for this Holiday Season, it would be for everyone in the Universe to be as blessed as we are. We are safe and warm in our home. We have plenty of food. We have cars that are paid for; and we’re healthy enough to drive them. We have family and friends whom we love dearly. We are happy most of the time; and when we have struggles we’ve been able to work through them or at least accept what is happening.

In other words, we are wealthy (but not rich).

I remember being asked what I wanted out of life when my Beautiful Girlfriend and I were first married. Although we were strongly advised against it, we married at the ripe old age of 19. Due to some rather distressing challenges from our parents we were ready to strike out on our own, come what may. And we were very sure we’d make it through thick and thin. Having grown up during the 1960’s, we were repulsed by rampant consumerism; and often referred to ourselves as “spoiled Americans.” Actually, we still say that. So my pat answer to the question, “What do you want out of life?” has remained the same since the very early days of our marriage: “all I want in life is the love of a beautiful woman, enough land to grow some food, and a kick-ass stereo.”

I’ve acquired all those wants many moons ago. I’m very grateful to say that the Beautiful Woman who has put up with me for the past 48 years is still my One and Only. After 47 years of practice (we dated a little over a year before marriage), we’ve become pretty good at this soulmate stuff. Yes, we made it through thick and thin; but over the years our thin selves have gotten a bit thicker, if you know what I mean.

Hurray for comfort food!!

So I have no wants. And all my needs have been met many times over. As I mentioned before, I consider myself a “spoiled American.” Some of us get together from time to time and discuss life, the universe, and everything. Gratitude is often one of the topics, and a friend of mine likes to say, “98% of the world’s population would love to have the problems I have.” Well maybe his math is a bit over the top, but suffice it to say that there are way too many folks out there who are not nearly as fortunate as we are.

As I sit here writing this in my comfortable home, I’m sending prayers out to all who are suffering; whether from the pandemic or any myriad of life’s other challenges. This time of year inevitably finds many of us in reflection; whether we’re chuckling from a happy memory or crying our eyes out during one of our favorite tear-jerking Christmas movies.

I sincerely hope all who read this are well; and that the coming year brings better times. If we all work together and do our best to spread love and kindness, 2021 can turn out to be a pretty amazing year.

Speaking of tear-jerking Christmas movies, this has been my favorite since I was a child. And yes, at the end, I cry like a baby.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gu6-JC9UtE4

My Holiday Requirements for 2020

Dear Delightful Human People,

If you’ve been reading “Happy Friday!!!” for as long as I’ve been writing it, please accept my apology because I never meant to harm anyone; and if I’ve made you smile once or twice I consider that my privilege and I hope to continue provoking smiles and perhaps even laughter by writing silly and sometimes not so silly things until Herbert, my pet fountain pen, can no longer hit the keys of my computer keyboard thing to write all the things that are stuffed into a run-on sentence that is way too long.

Whew!

So yeah, like if you’ve been reading this silly thing for more than a year, then perhaps you know that this time of year inspires me to issue a mandate to all mankind regarding the items I expect to receive during the Holiday season. Perhaps you may find it a bit greedy of me to demand that I be showered with gifts; but that’s OK, because as long as everyone gets me everything I’m about to list there will be no need to worry about the safety of the sawdust piles that lurk in the ditches of my sock drawer.

Or something.

Very well then. I shall now commence to issue the list of things I’m sure all of you will agree are required for me to receive this year.

A) Please send 347 fifty gallon containers of that new “Corona Oh No” juice I saw on TV during my dream last Wednesday. I guess it works really well; and what you do is pump up the included spray canister and zap anyone who’s not wearing a mask when they come near you. It really gets their attention and has the added benefit of glowing in the dark so others will be alerted when the lights go out.

G1) I’m definitely gonna need some new battery operated spice jars. My current ones are unreliable, and yesterday my Lovely Wife complained greatly when our breakfast had too much oregano in the oatmeal. I’d like to stay married, so please make sure I get the new kind with the solar amplification modules.

11) As you all know, COVID has most restaurants basically only doing take out these days. I like take out. However, I don’t understand why some of my favorites don’t show up on take out menus. I mean, you can’t even get regular stuff like sardine sandwiches, Soup on a Stick, or even Chicken Cockamamie. What is this world coming to??

&) This year I’ll need many more bags of potato chips please. Yes, I know the ones from last year are all stacked neatly in my garage; but in my professional opinion, there’s simply no such thing as too many potato chips. What? Why didn’t I eat the old ones? Do you know how difficult it is to stack bags of potato chips 14 high and have the pile be presentable?? Sheesh!!

Red) Oh yes, I’ll need you to special order me some Peter Pumpernickel’s Pickled Herring Pot Pies. That brand is the very best, you see. Of course, if you can’t find those, I’ll settle for Oscar Olafsen’s Chocolate Covered Oyster Candies. Mmmmmm those are disgusting.

z5) OH WOW!! I remember where I left the spare tire for my minivan!! Hope that guy doesn’t mind me driving through his cornfield again…

4b) Just saw an ad in the paper!! The new X-Box with the power assist cheese slicer is on sale this week for a mere $376.29 at all local mattress stores!! Get one today!! Oh and get me one too!! And what’s up with all these extra exclamation points?? Oh and now it’s extra question marks?? What the heck!?!?!?!

Tell you what: instead of wracking your brain trying to figure out what to get for me; I’ll make it very simple: just sell all your stuff and bring me the money.

Thank you.

OK, that should keep you all busy for a few microseconds. But seriously folks, all I really want is the same old thing I’ve always wanted for every Holiday I can remember. I just want Peace, Love, and Kindness to be the guiding principles for all of us on the planet. And of course that means that we must all treat our dear Mother Nature with Love and Respect too. Dunno about you, but at our house we are blessed in so many ways. We try to give back, and hope that if any of you out there can afford it that you would please give to charities or somehow help those in need.

And as always, if you’ve actually read this far, thank you for being you. And please remember that it’s always better to be you than for you to be me, and although you can count to it, eight is a word.

Und now we go to da Grampy cartoon awreddy

SO Much Turkey!

The turkey is gone!! The turkey is gone!! May the bells chime happy clanging of no more turkey!!

Dunno about you folks, but at this house we really love turkey. So of course, the Thanksgiving meal is always welcome around here. We had ours last Sunday; and as usual I was the chief cook: sweet potatoes, regular mashed potatoes and gravy, Brussels sprouts from the garden, stuffin’ muffins, a relish tray of black and green olives, sweet and dill pickles, and even some pickled okra for a little variety, and of course pumpkin pie.

Oh, and there was this 21 pound bird…

I may have overestimated a bit this time. I figured with all 7 of us, which included two rapidly growing grandsons, we’d need some extra meat. Well some extra is OK… but HOLY MOLY we had a lot left over! I surmised that all that surplus turkey would be very enjoyable in the form of “Leftover Delight,” as Mom used to call it. Well when I got all done deboning the bird, it was quite obvious that my Beautiful Girlfriend and I would get just a wee bit weary of eating turkey for 13 days in a row.

After the initial turkey dinner leftovers; I tried to switch it up a bit. You know, turkey salad sandwiches, stuff like that. However, I apparently pushed my poor Honey Pie over the too-doggoned-much threshold and when I asked if she wanted any turkey the other day she shot back with an emphatic “Noooo!!!” Understandable… so we took a break for a couple days. Well today we had the last of the turkey. And yes, it was in the form of turkey salad.

Perhaps next year I could try branching out a bit with the turkey entrées. Some ideas that rattled around in my silly brain today are:

Pickled Turkey

Turkey Waffles

Turkey On A Stick

Wild Turkey Surprise (a nod to Bugs Bunny)

Turkey Omelette

Peanut Butter and Turkey Jelly (yuck!!)

Turkey Ice Cream

Spaghetti and Turkey Meatballs

Imitation Turkey (exactly the same as imitation crab, only with turkey!)

Turkey Kaboom (turkey with a surprise firecracker)

Those of you who know me are aware that I could go on and on, and of course the “dishes” would become sillier and sillier. So I’ll stop now. Please forgive me. Or don’t!! But whatever you do, please don’t tell my Lovely Bride that there’s still some of that leftover turkey in the freezer.

At least, not for awhile.

Well this week’s video has nothing to do with turkey. I switched it up you see… to um… chicken.

Here’s To F.N. Brussels Sprouts And Deer With No Eyes

I always get a little gooshy around this time of year. With the holidays upon us, I can’t help but reflect on past years. I have much to be thankful for, and even though I’m grateful most of the time, the holiday season deepens the appreciation somehow. A cultural thing I guess.

After turning 18, I entered into “party hearty” mode. That lasted for 17 years… what began as “having fun” evolved into fun plus problems, and then finally my partying habits produced very little fun but very large problems. Considering all the “fun” I had literally poisoning myself, I’m pretty lucky to be alive, let alone happy and healthy. Amazing how much better life got after I was finally willing to grow up!!

These days, I still “party hearty,” but it has absolutely nothing to do with intoxicants. Nope, none of that monkey business anymore. Instead, sharing a meal with close friends; maybe watching a movie with them, now those are good times. And of course with all these good times, very happy memories are made.

Thanksgiving kicks off a season of remembering too. I once heard it said that the best way to honor the dead is to love the living. Another way, in my book anyway, is to relate a story about a lost loved one that makes others smile. One of my favorite stories I tell around this time of year is when our dear friend Lew and his Beautiful Wife came over for what turned out to be his last Thanksgiving on this Earth. It was my turn to make Thanksgiving dinner, and Lew noticed I was cooking Brussels sprouts.

“Oh Ken! I see you’re making Brussels sprouts,” he said.

“Yeah Lew, you like Brussels sprouts?” I replied,

F*&% NO!!” he exclaimed; at which point we all burst into laughter.

We’ve had Thanksgiving at his Beautiful Wife’s house every year since then, and every year she’d make “F.N. Brussels Sprouts” in honor of her dear departed hubby. We use the initials because there are grandchildren, you see.  This year, however, because of COVID, we’ve agreed that it might not be too safe to dine at our Beautiful Friend’s house.  Holy POOP I hate this damn virus!!  Hopefully next year we can resume the tradition.

Another dear departed friend is our friend Tommy, who passed away all too suddenly a few years ago.  He too had a marvelous sense of humor, and I’ve been honoring his memory thusly:

“What do you call a deer with no eyes?” he asked,

“I give up,” I said,

“No eye deer!!” he chuckled; and continued: “how about a deer with no eyes and no legs?”

“Dunno,” I smiled.

Still no eye deer!!” And of course the grand finale: “How about a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no genitalia?”

“What?” I asked.

“Still no f*&%ing eye deer!!” and of course we both laughed. Naturally only “big people” get to hear the last part of the joke, and I always ask permission before telling the naughty part.

As I relate these stories, my memories of other loved ones lost over the years flood into my brain. Mom and Dad, grandparents, even cousins… and of course friends and yes, even children of friends. These memories, coupled with all those mushy holiday movies, will often make my eyes leak at the drop of a hat. Memories and gratitude. That’s what slams home the holidays for me. I’m so doggoned fortunate it’s ridiculous.  Thank you God for everything.

I sincerely hope all of you have a safe and enjoyable Thanksgiving.  And if you are able, please donate to your favorite charity so they can help those who are struggling.

Now for the silly video.  This is an oldie but a goodie from Tex Avery about a turkey who outfoxed the hunter; but they both got it in the end…

I Love Those Leaves!!

Here in Beautiful West Michigan, Autumn is starting to wane a bit.  Most of the leaves have fallen; so there are quite a few naked trees running around.  Well OK, maybe they’re not really running; but most are definitely naked.  If you have a lawn, Autumn can be a very frustrating time.  Seems like we get a batch of leaves off the grass, everything looks nice, and then BOOM!! a hefty wind shows up and blows another gob of leaves all over the place.  Then we get our rakes, blowers, garden tractors (and if you’re lucky leaf vacuum trailer thingy) and go clean up the mess.

When I was a kid, seems like everyone burned their leaves. Not only a big waste of wonderful fertilizer, but a big source of air pollution. I remember when I was little, I lost much hair and eyebrows when I jumped into a leaf pile my father made. He sternly warned me to jump in BEFORE the fire was set next time! OK, maybe I didn’t really do that.  But hey, anyone remember leaf smoke filling the autumn air? Those were the good (?) old days when no one was very particular about particulates. Leaf burning is somewhat rare now. Instead, many of them are bagged up for the gobbich man. Hey, nobody asked me, but my two cents is that leaves are NOT gobbich, man!

Being an organic gardener, I have been a leaf collector for many years. Before I discovered the magic gold mine of free compost at our local landfill transfer station (affectionately called “the dump”), I would pull my trailer all over the neighborhoods and gather up bagged leaves.  Some people gave me rather strange looks when I parked my trailer in front of their house to make off with their leaves.  When someone was in the yard, I’d always ask first; and then they’d say, “Sure!” Then they’ll lead me to the other 195 bags in their back yard.

Leaf collectors are becoming more numerous now; as more folks realize their value in the garden as fertilizer and mulch. Not only that, a bunch of us leaf collectors get together at the old Breakfast Burp Cafe and trade leaves on Saturday mornings.  All of us wear masks and are socially distanced, of course.  My “prize leaf ” is a 1971 maple that really makes me proud. A nice bowl of leaves are really great with milk and sugar too! High fiber.

OK, I may be fooling again…

As I’ve already mentioned, and much to my Beautiful Honey-Pie’s chagrin, I would actually gather leaves from other people’s yards.  I’ve learned my lesson though; and in the interest of domestic harmony I make sure our yard is leafless before I go looking for more.  However, we do have some friends that bring me their leaves!!  This is a wonderful thing!! Initially they expressed concern that “we mostly just have oak.”  I reassured them that I take every kind of leaves I can get my mitts on: maple, pine needles, and yes even oak. Contrary to popular opinion, there’s nothing wrong with oak leaves in your garden; especially when they are composted. After 38 years of building up what used to be basically beach sand, my garden soil is nice and black, thank you very much.  This year, all the leaves in our yard got ground up nicely with our garden tractor / leaf bagger combo.   I put them directly into the garden, and got pretty much the whole thing covered with a nice layer of mulch.  Also tilled several loads into one of the beds; into which garlic will soon be planted.

Call me loony if you must, but yes, when Autumn arrives I really do love leaves.  I love them so much that I’ve unofficially renamed Autumn “Fertilizer Season.”  Whatever doesn’t get tilled into the soil is used for mulch; which keeps weeds at bay and prevents the soil from losing moisture.  I’ve also learned to spread a healthy layer of leaves over a bed of carrots to keep them fresh through the winter.  I just mark the bed with sticks before the snow flies, and when I want carrots I carefully shovel the snow off first, then scoop off the leaves, and pick carrots.  I get a couple more sticks and mark where I left off; then cover the rest back up with the leaves, and also put the snow back.  I’ve used this technique to enjoy carrots “on demand” several times, and when I have a good year I can have fresh carrots pretty much all winter long.

Well, cold weather will be here before we know it; and I’m absolutely certain that this is exactly the way all the woodland creatures will prepare…

I Love To Sing-A

Once upon a time, there was no way of understanding the amount of stress rapture which many (or most?) of us endure in these modern times. And if you take that amount of stress time, and multiply it by 13.7, you not only get an overuse of the word “time,” but also can even time how long it takes to type time three hundred and thirty four times.

What time is it again??

So there I was, watching the news, and trying not to cry too much or barf on the floor. You know, there’s so many storms and COVID monsters and political poop toss and on the other hand you have 5 fingers (I hope!!) and both of your fingers get caught in the toaster while the blender is playing “I Shot The Sheriff” but maybe that’s all a bunch of malarkey but you know I can get really stressed out from too much yikes and Oh My God and holy moly this run-on is getting way too long!!

Now I’ll use yet another run-on sentence to turn the page to the Retirement Days of My Great Happiness, because they are quite the opposite of stressful work days; and I need to stay grateful that I am now retired and have a steady (albeit much smaller) income that all the friendly Medicare scammers and make-a-believe car warranty thief people want to take rom me; so then it’s time to breathe… breathe… and then suddenly my friend Zignop has a computer problem and calls me to say “the trees are too noisy and I can’t extract data from this electronic burnishing tool;” so then I’m expected to fix their computer for free or maybe 12 cents and holy cow someone left a package of M&Ms on the stairs is anybody looking???

Yes.

Breathe…

Breathe…

OK. Better.

So! There are only 1,238 ways to deal with such stress. One way I’ve embraced is to sing. You know the popular saying… something like, “sing as if nobody’s dancing,” or maybe it’s “dance if nobody’s singing” I think. I really do love to sing. And I sing a variety of stuff as I’m walking about, and it helps me to relieve stress. Sometimes it will be a Beatles tune, sometimes Lorde, sometimes Al Jolson… and sometimes, much to the amusement of my grandsons, it will be completely silly. An example:

I’m keeping a sandwich in my nostrils for youuu…

And when I take it out it will be covered in glue…”

This of course is sung to the tune of “I’m Keeping A Sandwich In My Nostrils For You.”

Other times I will walk off to a small hiding area and belt out a very loud Tarzan yell (and I do a pretty good one if I must say so myself). Some folks find this very amusing, others run for the bathroom.

Bottom line is: if I allow stress to rent too much space in my kidneys, it will harm me badly. When my Serenity Alarm goes off, I better get busy and smell the donuts; or I may say something unkind to someone. Even worse, I may be unkind to someone I actually like!! Either way, I’d need to apologize, and even though crow is a dish better served warm, I try hard to avoid barking at people’s elbows. It’s always better to be kind and try to be happy than to be bitter and succumb to the yucky poohs.

So my friends, there you have it. If you need any more I’ll sell you some at market prices, multiplied by 13.7

Thank you for your “time.”

So… speaking of stress management, here’s some fun stuff that I hope you’ll enjoy as much as I have over the years.

Everybody Still Has Cooties – A (sadly) Necessary Rerun

And we’re getting tired of it…

Unless you live in a cave, you’ve heard that our President has tested positive for COVID-19. I’d like to take this opportunity to ask EVERYONE to pray for him and his family to have a safe and quick recovery.

When writing “Happy Friday!!!” I normally stay far away from politics. I figure everyone hears more than enough from other media without me honking my horn. However, even though I am not a fan of the current administration’s policies, I am rather saddened when I see folks on the interwebs spreading ill will; regardless of to whom it is directed. I’m one of those old hippie freaks who still lives by such mantras as “make love, not war, ” and of course the refrain from one of my favorite Beatle songs, “All You Need Is Love.”

We need to heal our planet; and that will never materialize unless we all do our best to live by the Golden Rule.

Anyway, as a little reminder, I thought I’d republish this “Happy Friday!!!” that I posted back in June. Dunno about you, but my Beautiful Girlfriend and I are getting very weary of COVID-19. We all need to work together to get this nasty bug under control.

So here’s the rerun…

During prehistoric times when I was a kid, there were no video games or interwebs; so we had to find creative ways to amuse ourselves. Often, games of tag were morphed into various forms. One such form was to tag someone as “it” and proclaim loudly that the person had cooties. “Aaaaggghhh!!! Kenny’s got cooties!!! Run!!!” And we would scatter like wild little animals to avoid becoming “it.”

There was a more serious (and even repulsive) meaning back in those days, as many adults of the time referred to head lice as cooties. However, it would seem that the childish notions eventually won out, as evidenced by the arrival of The Game of Cootie; which involved constructing a cootie from parts that were garnered via the rolling of a die. These days, to say that someone or some thing has cooties is a way of expressing a dislike or perhaps even disgust toward that person or thing.

Now here we are in the midst of a pandemic. People all over the globe are getting killed by this deadly virus called COVID-19. By now we’ve all heard the guidelines to prevent contracting and spreading the virus. Here in Michigan, our Governor drew sharp criticism for issuing executive orders to prevent a bad situation from becoming worse. Her willingness to make tough decisions based on scientific evidence has paid off: the rate of new disease cases has fallen dramatically. Things are looking better, and slowly but surely the state is opening back up.

My wife and I tuned our brains into all the precautions very early for two simple reasons: 1) she has a preexisting lung illness and 2) we are in the “high risk” age group (over 65). We still wear a mask when we go to the store; and diligently wash or sanitize our hands and other objects when we’ve been outside our home. We’re also very selective as to which other humans we allow into our home. If we are not completely confident that they are following the guidelines; we make sure we minimize contact or at the very least we maintain social distance.

My Beautiful Girlfriend (a.k.a. my wife) and our Beautiful Daughter are both nurses. They know how to stay safe; which means they know what’s OK and what’s not OK. It has only been recently that we were able to visit with our grandchildren. And even more recently, hugging was finally allowed (no smooches!!). We have a list of “safe people” which includes our son, daughter, son in law, grandchildren, and a very small number of friends.

Since the opening up of various businesses, etc. we have noticed an increased number of people who don’t wear masks. There are also gatherings that are taking place; some of which are not being very mindful of social distancing. While we’d love to join the fun and have everything return to normal; we are holding back and remaining cautious. My Beautiful Girlfriend has often referred to me as her “social butterfly.” I’m the one who welcomes new friends and new social situations. But this COVID-19 stuff is serious business. It would likely kill my Lovely Bride. Therefore, until we each get a proven vaccine; we’ll continue to assume that everyone still has cooties.

Hope all of you are well; and hope you stay safe. This is not a game!

Well OK, these videos are about games…

Lawns: The Cash You Save May Be Your Own!

Please don’t hate me for this, but I have to speak up about something that many Americans consider sacred: the lawn. Sure, I love that plush green outdoor rug, but in NO WAY do I look forward to the weekly mowing ritual. Talk about a totally silly human custom! Lawn mowing seems so fruitless. We certainly spend a lot of time tending a crop we can’t eat! Well, I suppose you could eat it; but you can never be sure of whether it’s tainted with doggie weewee.

The primary reason our lawn gets mowed is that I have a spouse. Left to my own devices, our yard would probably grow into the giant weed patch that Mom Nature intended it to be. Since our marriage contract would never allow this; I have come to accept the weekly ritual of beheading the huge conglomeration of plants we call a lawn.

We don’t bag up the clippings or fertilize or anything; just mow. Fortunately, my wife and I agree that the less work a lawn brings, the better off we are. She’d love to have a “golf course lawn,” but she knows how environmentally icky that would be. When the lawn comes up in discussion at our house, she laments, “we don’t have a lawn, we have a yard.” God bless my poor Honey Pie… although she’d love to have “a real lawn,” she has accepted the fact that all the fertilizers and other chemicals needed to do that would be very insulting to Mother Nature.

Some people are very fussy though; they water, fertilize and carefully inspect the blades of greenery. They want to make absolutely sure that grass and ONLY grass is growing! I’d love to invite some of those types to inspect my weedy ground, and watch them go nuts. Then I’d invite them in for a grapefruit milk shake and complain about the terrible waste they’re generating. I just think it’s weird that folks actually spend money to poison the ground with weed killers and fertilizers so they can wash it into my drinking water with underground sprinkling systems. This runoff isn’t any good for lakes and streams, either.

Most types of weed killers are designed to kill, among other things, white clover! Being a legume, clover makes nitrogen in the soil (as all good legumes do), and feeds the lawn. Remember finding four leaf clovers when we were kids? They were in the LAWN (or maybe just the yard…). But now the lovely clover has been dubbed a weed, and for too many of today’s home owners; weeds in the lawn are taboo. Personally, I’m grateful for clover and its weedy mates. They join together with the grass to form a nice carpet at our place; one we’re not afraid to play Tackle The Kids on. If we go a little while between mowings, we get some beautiful flowers, too! By the way, white clover seed is readily available at most feed stores; nudge-nudge, wink-wink. No special tools needed, just fling it about here and there if you want to add clover to your yard carpet.

Some folks even post KEEP OFF THE GRASS signs! Something like that is more anti-American than flag burning if you ask me. How does the stuff get mowed if you have to KEEP OFF? People must be mowing, though, and they DO bag the clippings. Instead of letting them hit the ground where they can decompose into humus (more lawn food that helps soil hold moisture), they send them off to consume scarce cubic feet at the landfill. Why not let the clippings lie, and SAVE MONEY on garbage bags? If you get too many clippings due to extended mow – procrastination (like me), they make great mulch for the garden! Thankfully though, many communities place yard waste in a large pile and compost it. I’m one of those weirdos who actually goes to the dump to retrieve grass clippings and leaves. At our local transfer station, they are free for the taking. Excellent soil building material for the vegetable or flower garden.

So… why not let Mom Nature water instead of sprinkling? It’s possible you could SAVE MONEY. Sure, an occasional drought might mandate a little rain dance with the hose. Or not!! Grass will go dormant during a drought, and usually comes back when the rain returns. At least, that’s true here in Beautiful West Michigan. Watering the lawn makes it grow more, so you mow more. And hey, there’s something intensely sad about an automatic sprinkler system running full-tilt-boogie during a thunderstorm. Oh, and I bet you’d SAVE MONEY if you didn’t buy the weed killers and fertilizers. That would help keep our lakes and streams healthy, too.

So hey, next time you’re SPENDING MONEY on all those nasty chemicals for the domestic hay crop; just ask yourself, “Self, what would happen if I didn’t do this anymore?” I mean, would it be so terribly bad if a lawn took on a more “natural” character? I put “natural” in quotes because lawns don’t really occur in the wild. But all those nasty “weeds” do, and a lot of them were invaluable to our ancestors for food and medicine. And yes, those “weeds” still are very valuable; and there are even folks who seek them out while foraging for food or medicinal flora.

A suggestion: quit with the fertilizers, weed killers, and lawn watering already. The very worst that could happen is that your yard would become filled with useful (and often beautiful) plants. With something simple like the lawn, there are lots of opportunities to be environmentally responsible.

And oh yeah, did I mention you can SAVE MONEY?

I couldn’t find any good cartoons about mowing the lawn; so this week’s video is just plain weird… so I thought I’d better share it with you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MiduvOpgdHM