English is a subject many of us loved to hate while we were in school. Rightly so, I guess, because it’s awfully complex, what with all the rules and everything. But perhaps the toughest thing is when you try to explain English to someone who didn’t grow up speaking it.

One problem for our brethren and cistern of other lands is that English has too many words that sound the same but mean completely different things (homonyms). On the other hand, you have five fingers. You also have the words that don’t sound anything alike, but mean the same thing (synonyms). Consequently, even those who grew up with English as a first language can have a pretty horrible time at first.

Maybe I’m a sicko, but I actually enjoyed English as a kid. It just seemed to flow naturally for me. But so does fun, and early in life I often turned to scholars like the Marx Brothers and the Three Stooges; and came to rely heavily on silly humor as a coping mechanism. Professors Groucho and Curly, among others, taught me to mangle the use of my native tongue for comic relief.

Some of my favorite fun is the destruction of sentences using various perversions of synonyms and homonyms. Sew, without any further a dew, hear comes the thyme during witch I’ll use words in a weigh that, hope fully, will give yew awl a chuckle oar to. Oar knot! Eye don’t no four shore. Of coarse, Eye may use sum “poetic lye sense” and get in two sum reel bad word mangling, just two make this moor fun. When Eye get in two a mood of this type, I yam knot very predict a bull. Eye simply type watt comes two my mind. And at thymes, my mind can bee a berry strange plays in deed.

Take the title, four instance. Pleas, jest take it away from hear! It contains words that are not reel homonyms of “Four Part Harmony.” But hay, Eye simply dew knot care. Eye thought it sounded funny, sew that’s wye Eye poot it their. Nor dew Eye care that “poot” is knot in the diction aerie (although diction and aerie both are). Eye, four won, no perfectly well that “poot” is slang for the release of intestinal gas. Sew, Eye gist through that in four the halibut.

Won sad fact, though, is their are two many folks who right this way awl the thyme, and think it’s nor mull. If there skills are egg stream lee bad, we cat a gore eyes them as “funk shun Ellie ill litter it.” They dew knot no how two right a reel scent tense. There reeding skills may all sew bee very pour. Knot awl of this is there fault, of coarse, butt it is the sad truth nun the less.

Oh Kay. Watt if wee found too people, driving threw town and talk king, and won was “funk shun Ellie ill litter it” and the udder new grandma pretty well, and was their four “litter it?” Wee mite here sum thing of this nay chore:

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“Hay, Clem! Let’s go two the Ma Jest Stick Thee Ate Err two knight. Eye here their will bee fore fellows singing, each inn a different cord! With know instruments, neither!! Eye guess you call that type of singing, `archipelago,’ write??”

“No, Stewart, that’s definitely NOT `archipelago,’ it’s called `acapella.’ But hey, it sounds like a great idea. And by the way, when there are four singers like that, it’s called a quartet, you realize. I’m thinking they’re probably barber shop.”

“Oh Kay, Mr. Music Smarty Pants Person! Butt hay now, you don’t have to insult me! Four wye you call me `reel eyes??’ Pretty stupid name calling their. Anyhow, I’m really lookin’ foreword two that fore pot hominy. And yes, I am fully a wear that a bobber sharp quartet is a cinnamon four `fore pot hominy,’ Mr. Turnip Nose! There! How dew you like being called names?? Stop with the insults, already!”

“I think you mean synonym, although it isn’t really. And that’s four part harmony. Pretty sure you meant harmony. But hey, I don’t want to pick nits. And I didn’t call you `reel eyes,’ I said, `realize.’ Chill out, man!”

“Yore tellin’ ME to chill OUT?? I don’t half to take this! I mean, their you go again! Are you listenin’ two yourself hear? Eye SAID cinnamon! And Eye also said hominy! And if there’s any pit nicking gonna be done, I’ll do it myself, thank you very much. I was nicking pits before you was born!! And there you go callin’ me names again! What the heck’s the deal with this `reel eyes’ business? Anyhow??”

“Oh brother. Sorry. We’re obviously not communicating. But hey, let’s check out the quartet. What time? Eight?”

“Ate?? Heck know, I’m starved! Haven’t had thyme four dinner yet! Pick me up around 7:45. And watch out fur that `DEW KNOT ENTER’ sign! Oar don’t you understand traffic cymbals?? You ego statistical creep-headed octopus!”

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Well, may bee such a talk wooden happen. Butt as yew kin sea, I like two play with hominy and cinnamon!

Here are two of my favorite artists who mastered the misuse of English:

Once Upon A Time, I Used Capital Letters With No Regard For Proper Nouns. That’s Because If I Want To Mix It Up, I ShaLL, and NoBody CaN StoP Me; NoT EveN The GRAMMAR PATROL. So I plunk about on my merry Way, now too Lazy to Capitalize Every stinking word, because I am in control of the keyboard, and not you nor any other dust sniffing, flexible, purple and lavender Irish TV sales representative (who of course would find it very amusing indeed to spill bean soup into your brand new sock drawer) can prevent this run-on sentence; because what have we here now sure looks like a large chocolate bar with almonds which just happens to be my favorite kind, especially when I shave with it during all those silly bread movies that never arrive in a theater near you.

Blimp raisins.

None of this reminds me of the time when I was still working, and I had to have a physical exam because it was required by the LOI (Laws Of Insurance). It went like this…

The doctor told me, “Your blood pressure should not be this high… it’s 738 over 485 you know. And your pulse is 276. If you don’t stop trying to inflate your nostrils by blowing so hard, you could lose your navel from capillary kaboom!!” She also warned me that maybe my job might be causing me too much stress. I said, “Nah, I really don’t mind working in the noodle toss machine. It’s good money, and once in awhile they let me catch a noodle or two. Otherwise, I have to twirl around and allow the semi-soft noodles to coat my shirt and make a noodle coat, the likes of which you’ve never chewed. It’s very crinkly and barky bazoo. ”

Thank God I’m retired now. My likelihood of capillary kaboom is much less, and I also enjoy cookies whenever the chance arises.

However, I do remember the stern warning my doctor gave me. I listened to her coarse, scratchy voice as carefully as a dog who lost its railroad ties during the Great Flambonian Snowstorm of 1873. “But you only have your health once,” she said, grimacing. “You and your wife have skills… you can take them almost anywhere. You don’t necessarily want stress to the point where your eyeballs decide migrate to Albania.” I remember suggesting that perhaps I could sell homemade sinks, or even patent my long lost invention I call The Nostrilator. The Nostrilator removes unwanted booger residue with a small fixture connected to an ordinary garden hose. Oh, and I also reminded her that my Beautiful Girlfriend (a.k.a. my Lovely Wife) is an accomplished maker of finely crafted toothpick animals. People come from miles around to see her life sized models of Brontosaurus Rex and Tyrannosaurus Antler Cabbage. Sometimes she even peeled the noodles off me when I had a tough day at the noodle factory and did wonders in the art of noodleskins. She placed the noodles strategically and sporadically while remorsefully reminding me of the loss of Kronok, our favorite phone charger. All this of course generated income we never saw and shall never see again, because we never saw it in the first place.

As I was basking in the glory of my Beautiful Honey Pie’s Animanoodles, the doctor resumed the exam, which started with that stupid skin shovel. Oooohhh I do hate that thing!!! She runs from one side of the room and clobbers me with the shovel to get her samples. Fortunately it’s only a few millimeters wide… but nearly 7 feet long! She has a small wheelbarrow off to the side with little slots to keep other patients’ skin samples separate from mine. Finally she takes a large whisk and twirls them all about, carefully but indiscriminately mixing all the different samples. Whoever has the strongest DNA will enjoy an exquisite coating of aged cheddar cheese on the back of their neck.

I stinkily remember that for nearly 7 weeks following the exam, I was called Mr. Cheese Neck by our doctor’s staff… a title I proudly boasted to my friends in the Noodle Tossers Fraternity Of Lower Puffington. They were all truly fascinated by the snorking noise one makes when adorned with Cheese Neck Holy Moly.

Some of you who may actually have read this far may snicker at my propensity for verbicide. Well, I already knew what propensity meant, but never heard of verbicide until the day after yesterday. I guess one could say I have verbicidal tendencies. Or even worse, one could say I have vertical tentacles!!! Have you seen those things??!! They stick up out of my head bone!! It’s very embarrassing when I try to go through a low doorway and my tentacles try to hang on to the wall places!! They do help me keep my hat on during a stiff breeze, though.

I sure hope there are more cookies.

How about a cartoon now? OK? OK!!

A friend of ours once said, “Getting older is not for cowards.” Ain’t that the truth?? Our senior years are presenting us with challenges that our younger selves would never have imagined. Believe me, I am exceptionally grateful for the blessings I have received. And in spite of everything going on (and in spit of everything else), my Beautiful Girlfriend and I often take time to remind ourselves how fortunate we are.

But sometimes the stress gets to me and I try to use toenail clippers for a shovel. Stress, therefore and to wit (and also nitwit), stimulates a coping mechanism that flows out of my mind and into the keyboard. Yes my friends, I write nonsensical things as one of many tools for relieving stress. But those who really know me are very aware of that awreddy.

Lately the ham radio thing has brought a much needed relief from the intergalactic stress molecules that seem to have invaded our happy home universe. Ham radio has been a hobby of mine for many years; and I much prefer it to something like bacon television or salami CDs.

Stress is climbing in the window and steaming my watermelons. You know how it goes, you just get home from a long day at the soap regulator and you find out the dryer is broken. Then you get to eat all the dust inside in the effort to bring the dead motor out so you can replace it. This is a very happy time for a keyboard monkey, and when the cardboard is creamy enough you can smear light bulbs on the speaker sneakers. Now if you look carefully at the previous sentences, you of course will deduce that I have no problem dealing with stress. Why is my left nostril twitching, you ask? Why do I convulse while smiling? Why do I try to remember what day the lumber salad is due to arrive?? These are questions only a qualified sinus sturgeon may be able to distribute.

I am also grateful I can be of help to friends with technical matters. They all know I’m a Retired IT Geek Electronics Weirdo (RITGEW), and I try to assist when called upon. Although I would never scream epitaphs at my friends, sometimes I just want to shrug them off with a rant just exactly like this one:

I am really busy these days weeks months, so I will get to you as quickly as my foot things will let me travel. If that is not acceptable, please feel free to smell my toe jam molecules. I cannot help the fact that your smellphone provider wants you to enjoy asparagus ice cream. While you struggle with the all the computer happiness you are able to ingest, I will practice licking my eyebrows while I color all the walls a pleasant shade of cobble hobby maroo. Now please excuse me, I have to send e-mail to all the nice birdies in the tree over there. They are taking me to lunch today, and I don’t want anyone to try to impede my laundry design activities. Clothes are people too, you know!!

No, that would be both mean and naughty. I love my friends and family and I would never intentionally hurt their feelings in that way. I mean hey, how can they possibly know that my sock drawer is full of dust lanterns so thick you can hear them wiggling from 3/10 of a mile away? Am I right? So I refuse to be a Meany Moper Man. If I get overwhelmed (or perhaps just whelmed), I’ll politely ask them what the atomic mass of sofa sauce is and walk backwards while smiling as I head to my car.

As you can see, I’m coping really well. Never mind the fact that I can smell strange colors and my ears can see flying pine trees in the pencil sharpener. Did you know I’ve learned to use magazines for socks? Are you aware that nail polish makes excellent pudding?? From this day forward, I will try to greet everyone I see with great conflagration, and then wonder why they are staring at me with such flatulent potato modules. Breadsticks are in the bathroom and nobody can tell me why. I desperately need to get something from somewhere and find out just what the heck it really is.

As I said, I’m grateful to The Great Spirit for all the gifts with which I and my family have been blessed. But there are times when self care is necessary, and that can come in the form of chocolate and other nutritious snack food oscillations. No centipedes were harmed during the marking of this phlegm. I will continue to be as helpful as I can, especially at home, and iridescently with friends. I will endeavor to keep my chin up, regardless of the likelihood of sniffing spider webs that suddenly appear when my chin-upedness is pointing my eyeballs at the sky. I will seek out only the very best squishy bribble hampers to protect my tail lights while square dancing.

I will make some of the very best soup you’ve ever put in your wallet!!

May I have my dessert now?

Oh, and by the way, 7 x 13 = 28. OK??

We live in a very rich culture. This is illustrated by the number of different foods from which we may choose. Of course, our huge number of choices has also blurred the definition of food. Some of the things we eat are a far cry from the types of things Grandma and Grampa grew on the farm.  What has really happened, unfortunately, is this: the definition of food has been transformed from that which we eat for survival and health, to anything that we can eat without dying. Some “foods” we consume these days are interesting, to say the least. The origin of these interesting foods is at best mysterious, so this manuscript attempts to unfold some of these mysteries.

One example is Jell-O brand gelatin( I’m obeying the trademark laws by writing it that way). Interesting stuff, Jell-O is. Where does it come from?? Of course, it comes from mines. Deep in the caverns of the Earth, “jellite,” the raw material from which all dessert gelatins are made, is found in huge deposits in naturally cooled ice boxes.  Jellite miners are a happy lot, as they are constantly smiling and even laughing aloud because of the strange physics involved in harvesting the stuff from natural deposits. Imagine if you will a large mass of wiggly gelatin acting as if it’s trying to jump off your shovel!

Years ago, miners would eagerly look forward to lunch time, when they could indulge in a sport named “jellite jumping.”  Miners would find a tall jellite cart and dive off into the deposits, sometimes falling into the bouncy goop, and sometimes bouncing right off. Big fun. Food quality standards and health laws, however, brought a quick demise to “jellite jumping,” especially after the renowned case of Groznyk vs. Jellymines, Inc.; in which Frubert Groznyk sued the jellite mining company after finding shoelaces in his dessert.

Moving on, another interesting food item is corn flakes.  Corn flakes are, of course, corn dandruff. Specially selected corn plants are given shampoos far too frequently, and when the scalp dries to excess, corn flakes fall to the shoulders of the plant. Corn Flake Collectors (CFCs) are specially trained individuals who know exactly when the flakes will fall, and are ready with broom corn brushes to wisk the flakes into brand name containers. National cereal chains spend large amounts on their dandruff containers, sometimes even including reading material on the back. But flakes are flakes, so consumers can save a bundle by purchasing off-brand corn dandruff.

Chitlins are considered “soul food” by some folks.  Well, that’s a bit strange to me. We have two chitlins, a boy and a girl, and I don’t see myself going hungry enough to eat either of them. Unless of course they try to move back home. Not really! They’d be way too tough, anyhow. I’ve heard of folks eating anchovies on pizza and other dumb things, but eating my chitlins would be even Dahmer. Just never you mind about eating chitlins. OK?

Hot dogs have been an American staple for many years.  They have a very bad reputation, and are given pet names like “mystery meat,” or the ironically affectionate term, “tube steak.” The ingredients used to make hot dogs is a closely guarded secret, although it is said that any part of a meat animal that can’t be used otherwise is found in hot dogs.  Lips, noses, earlobes, and worse have been speculated as possible ingredients. Hot dogs also contain large collections of preservatives and flavor enhancing chemicals that have been linked to various digestive disorders, and may also affect the central nervous system.

 At this point, I must digress a bit to refute these claims. My mother served us hot dogs often when we were kids. They were used instead of more expensive meats as a main course. Hot dogs, macaroni & cheese, and spinach.  A simply magical meal that covered the three main food groups inexpensively.  In fact, I’ve carried this tradition on to my family, and we just had a nice Hot Dog Surprise Casserole for dinner. Neither I, my family, nor my siblings have ever had any digestive problems; and our central nervous systems are completely intact with the rare exception of vivid hallucinations and strange speaking patterns (oh wait, maybe that’s just me…).

Anyway, as far as central nervous system problems, aside from the occa#i0n9l typ1n6 error$, my brain and nervdes are fine, JUST FINE, OK?? Nice hot dog… come sit down here and we’ll watch TV. I’ll play you a song on my Oscar Meyer Wiener Whistle!! Say hello to Mr. Broccoli. Die Mr. Broccoli!! Die!! You better run!  I throw your face in the macaroni and cheese!! Ha ha ha ha… nice Mr. Broccoli.  Please pass me some more Hot Surprise Dogfood… Thanks!  So, now you all know how food mysteries prevent broccoli from removing sodium gronkulate deposites in jellite pig holders. Until next time, keep smiling at the candy wrappers, and be sure to invite me over when you folks have dot hogs. Or even florn cakes! Jellite for dessert, please; hold the shoelaces.  

Whoa! It’s after eleven o’clock! Do you know where your chitlins are??

So this week’s video has NOTHING to do with the origins of foods… but it’s interesting in a weird sort of way.

The holidays will soon be upon us, and this year has much in common with previous years, materially speaking. I told my Beautiful Girlfriend yesterday, “I have absolutely zero Christmas Spirit.” That’s not because I’m competing with the Grinch. Rather, I get a bit somber about all the money spent on gifts each year. I’ve been asked what I’d like Santa to bring me and I keep coming up dry. I really don’t need ANYTHING. I believe we are very fortunate; and there’s really not a darn thing I want.

However, if any of you have read my silly blog for more than a year (you poor soul!!), you’ll know that every year about this time I send a list of what I require to receive as gifts to make my holidays complete. And hey, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I need to be a bit more assertive about all this Christmas present business. “That’s right,” I says to myself. I says, “Yeah… I deserve to get lots of cool stuff from Santa!! I mean, hey, isn’t THAT what Christmas is all about??” I says.

No of course not.

But just in case, at this time I’d like to force each living soul to read my list of demands for gifts. That’s right, I want youse to buy me lots of cool stuff for Christmas and I’m not taking “NO” for an answer. Actually, I’m not even taking anything for an answer. Just please take careful notes regarding the following list. Seriously. I mean, hey, I don’t normally ask much of my friends, or anyone else who might be unfortunate enough to stumble upon this silly blog posting. OK… disregard the note taking. PRINT THIS LIST and waste lots of paper and ink in the name of environmental sarcasm! That oughta show those darned trees and ink chemicals who’s boss!!

OK, enough with the foot dragging; on with the list. These are very specific requests, so please keep in mind that if I receive the incorrect presents, I shall retaliate by daily forcing my cats to watch 61/2 hours of the weather radar channel on our TV (as you can see, my greed is not a force to be underestimated).

Alright, now that I have your attention, what’s next? Oh yes, the list. And please, have mercy on my cats: when you’re out there shopping for me, remember: you must NOT vary one iota from this list!!

1) First edition, autographed copy of “My Gravy Stained Tricycle” by Jennifer “Warren” Chrysanthemum. (I’ve been searching for this biographical tome for at least 17 weeks.)

2w) 25 kilograms of industrial quality pizza crusts imported from Moose Mountain, Saskatchewan. (They make the very best, please… no substitutes.)

P9) A lifetime supply of red blood cells. What? We make those ourselves?? Oh, fine!

Zot) 14 rhinestone-studded Tupperware sandwich containers. One simply must not ignore fashion during picnics, am I right?

L9G) Genuine plastic containers of cricket milk, preferably the 17 ounce size or larger. (I’m told the chore of milking crickets requires a very small stool and bucket.)

2.K) I could really use some help removing all the broken concrete from the west side of my vegetable garden. I planted it there years ago and I believe it made babies. Please come after dark and bring your own digging tools and floodlights. No need to knock on the door to announce your arrival… and please don’t even think about asking to use the bathroom after getting your shoes all dirty. Just get those stinkin’ things out of there so I can plant more veggies. OK??

B#%) It’s really getting to be high time youse guys brought me some more of those chocolate covered pine cones!!

@1L) You know those candies we used to get all those years ago with the hard, sugary stuff outside and a gooey, jelly like substance inside? Well those things are weird and a little bit nasty in my professional opinion. However, they are fun to lick awhile just before you drop them into someone else’s stocking.

0QY!) Three mating pairs of vinegarroons. I intend to cross breed them with vinegarettes as a method of providing self replenishing salad dressing to my cats while they’re watching the weather radar channel.

1n8) Please pass the Altoids. Have you seen my watch? I sure hope there’s enough windshield washer fluid in my car’s washer tank thingy. Hey… is NCIS on tonight?

And finally,

X27) One winning Power Ball Lottery Ticket. Just one. A winning one. Thank you.

Very well then. I know there’s not much time… Christmas is coming closer every day. Please just get with the program and take care of all my wants awreddy. OK?? OK!!

But seriously folks, please remember to do your best to help those less fortunate than we are. Spread love and be kind to everyone you meet… even the grumpy ones; because as a dear friend of mine used to say, “People who are the least lovable are the ones who need loving the most.” And maybe if we all work, pray, and vote for peace, magical things just might happen in our world.

Speaking of magical things: perhaps you’ve seen this before, but it’s one of our favorite Christmas cartoons.