Monthly Archives: October 2025

Office Finger Supply Realignment

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Hello My Friends,

I’m writing to tell you that my fingers are broken and can no longer type anything that requires typing. Please refer to your Fronkle’s Universal Dictionary for a new and soil proof container for your unwanted dander.

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all of you very much for being. I know you all are, and I’m truly grateful that this is. I have been for a very long time, and I hope to be much longer than now. In the future, I’ll be there when I’m not here, and then today will of course be yesterday. Then I can look back on all the days I’ve been, and say with great warbly yodels, “Ahh those were the days!!” However, if for some reason I am no longer able to be, please send 23 cents and 17 boxtops to:

Solgarian Sandwich Flatteners

c/o Glippy Zoonerbonk

333 44th Street

Crabfoot, Nymobia X14992

So!! Who the heck put all those nasty sand spurs in my sock drawer?? Anyhow?? I mean, whenever I put my tootsies inside a sock, all I can think of is screaming YOUCH!! Then of course I do the familiar hopping and screaming dance we’ve all groan to endure. In what soon will be a very long run-on sentence I will describe how I intensely remember the happy first time I ever wore flip-flops in our lush but very barren Florida lawn when we were renting a house near MacDill Air Force Base because we didn’t want to live on the base and we didn’t really qualify anyway and unless you spend a crap ton of money on your lawn all you get is this crazy quack grass (which neither quacks nor is it very nice grass) that makes sand spurs and when you walk through a patch with uncovered footsies for the first time because you are a dumb Yankee you get very bad ouchfoot and holy CARP these stupid things are making my toes bleed!!

I mean, it hurted me awreddy!!

Now it’s time for me to remind all of you to please enjoy your life with every breath of air your pet Goose Marble can imbibe. This method of enjoyment merely requires you to be grateful for being, as was mentioned in an earlier section of whatever the heck this writing glob of words is supposed to be. If you are reading this now, you likely live in North America; which means you are among some of the most privileged people in the world. And that’s no joke you see. I for one am very grateful to the Holy Mackerel People Upstairs In The Universal Remarkable, because whoever They are, They have blessed me more than I could have ever imagined.

I even get to eat snacks!!

Very well then. You see, it’s like this: If you do not enjoy this upcoming weekend, or any other day for that matter, I shall be forced to report you to the Inner Peace Police. Believe me, they do not mess around. They will comfort you until you barf cotton candy with fairy dust that twinkles in the moonlight. So try giving each of your office supplies a name and tell them jokes often with a very big voice; especially when you’re near lots of people. This activity will very will very quickly let you know who you can trust.

Now I will go back to my finger realignment. Please call my veterinarian and find out if my lunch is still there.

Thank you,

Abner L. Pignibbler

a.k.a. “Mr. Kaboom”

And now for some feelgood type music things. Here are some of my favorites ( I have many, many favorites…).

AI Yi Yi Yi And Other Whinings

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Hello, and thank you for tuning in to this week’s antenna ranching installment. The news has been removing my capillaries again, and although the events in the news can put me in a bit of an emotional slump, I’ve decided to staple feathers to my cat’s pajamas and anonymously send ice cream to the White House via parcel post. Surely these stress relief methods will result in at least two or perhaps even seventeen new buttons on Mrs. Jingledweeb’s radish basket.

Huh?? Not to worry… just letting off a little steam there. Nonsense helps me keep my blood pressure down.

But seriously folks, I’m a bit worried. I’ve heard reports of AI chatbots competing with humans for companionship. That’s right, people are talking to chatbots as if they were actually alive. Don’t those folks want to enjoy reality? I guess I should not be surprised, humans have been drifting farther and farther away from Nature since the Industrial Revolution.

On the other hand, there are fingers and fingernails. Or at least I hope so. And in addition and also as well, there is the crazy situation going on in Congress. The fact that so many think it’s very OK to terminate health benefits for needy people so rich folks can enjoy tax breaks makes me want to barf on the ground.

What can I do about all this? Well I can vote, but it’s not time yet. I can choose to be annoyed and shriek to friends and family about the woes of the world, but they are often just as sad about all this as I am so that would be unkind. So I do my best to limit my news intake and be as happy as possible.

Even though I’m growing older, I’m still a child in old man’s clothing. I’m usually the one who likes to be silly and help my loved ones (friends and family) laugh. I do my best to stay grateful; and I verbalize that to them. However when I’m down, they are often alarmed. Some of them remind me of things I would normally be saying to them; and believe me, that’s a very good thing for me.  I just need to adjust what’s going on between my ears.

The reminders all basically boil down to these simple guidelines:

A) Don’t sweat the small stuff.

12) EVERYTHING is small stuff.

7) Maintain some boundaries – stay close to those who love you, and be kind to those who are ornery. They probably just find it difficult to be happy..

p4) Don’t take this life stuff too seriously.

*@) Try to smile. It is much more pleasant than frowning; and

Red) There are many in this world who are much less fortunate than me.

So, the last couple days I’ve been reprogramming. Funny how the older I get, the less I know. If I can stay in that frame of mind, I can survive this life stuff by learning new ways to cope. I can let go of the things I simply can’t control. I can raise a nice garden and get my hands nice and dirty! I can spend time with friends! I can take time to laugh! I can even stop using so many exclamation points!

Or not!!

And, I can include a video that is very silly indeed… and laughter is very good medicine.

Dendrolatry And Other Means Of Protest

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They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, and as much as I dislike admitting it, I’m getting old. I think. I’m 71. Is that old? Maybe for some of you, but maybe not for others. Anyway I learned a new word recently. I’m counting that as a new trick this old dog has learned. Hey, I’ll take it wherever I can get it!

So my new word is: dendrolatry. It’s pronounced den-DROL-a-tree and it refers to the worship of trees. I don’t hear it used much. Well OK I don’t hear it used at all, but since I’ve considered myself a tree hugger for many decades I can honestly say that I’ve found trees to be very, very special in our universe. I mean, who doesn’t like trees, am I right?

Perhaps it’s a bit of a stretch for some folks, but I’ve considered my tree hugging ways to be a peaceful and subtle form of protest. I love to grow food, and I do my best to grow with Mother Nature’s help. That of course means no chemical anything is added to my soil or sprayed on my plants. The only thing I buy for the garden is seeds; and I often save my own. I like to think of it as my contribution to the reduction of carbon emissions for this poor warming planet.

My professional opinion is that actions can be a form of protest. Besides voting at the ballot box, spending choices can also make a positive impact. For example, I’ve decided to boycott Amazon. Jeff Bezos has way too much money and he treats his employees like garbage. Additionally, he and his billionaire cronies are wielding way too much power over goings on in Washington. So Amazon won’t get my money anymore.

Other ways to do good with my bucks are to donate to the ACLU, Public Broadcasting, independent news sources like The Guardian and The Associated Press; and of course I do my best to help those less fortunate than me by donating to the local rescue mission.

Unless you live under a rock, you’ve probably heard that there will be big “No Kings” protests tomorrow (October 18). Some politicians (and others) are trying to disparage the protesters by saying things like the “No Kings” protests are actually “We Hate America” rallies.

Well as Tricky Dick (Richard Nixon) used to utter, “Let me say this about that.”

When I was much younger we protested against corruption. We protested against racial injustice. We protested against war. We protested against gender inequality. We protested against the poisoning of Mother Nature. Yet here we are again. I’m not foolish enough to suggest that these crimes against humanity and Mother Nature can be rectified quickly. It will take constant effort; and yes, most likely, more protests. But protests are empty actions if we sit on our laurels and watch the yelling from afar. At the very least, all of us must VOTE, both at the ballot box and with our money. And of course, all of us must treat everyone we meet with respect.

Every day.

We can do this. We must do this. Otherwise, we’ll just end up sad, frightened, frustrated and exhausted.

What kind of life would that be??

It’s all been going on too long.

Legalize Shemp (And Other Dead People I Admire)

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So there I was, ordering an extravagant gourmet meal from the Taco Bell in South Haven, Michigan, when the nice young man timidly asked me a question. He had been looking my way for a few minutes, and as I think back on the encounter I realized that the t-shirt I was wearing had him a bit perplexed. Here’s a picture of what I was wearing. Does the guy on the shirt look familiar to any of you? Well if he does, you might be old like me.

Anyway, the gentleman handed me my order and said, “What is Shemp??” I replied, “He’s one of The Three Stooges. He was Moe and Curly’s brother, and when Curly died he took Curly’s place.” The farther I went into the explanation the more apparent it became that this dude was not following. “You ever heard of The Three Stooges?” I queried. “I think so…” he answered, still visibly puzzled. So I finished up with “Go to YouTube and do a search on The Three Stooges. They did a bunch of funny short movies back in the 1930s through the 1950s.” Don’t think he was too fired up about that idea, but one never knows.

I have no idea where I got the t-shirt, but I’ve always considered the play on words and the image to be quite funny. There was a time in my life where dope (hemp) was very important to me, and I dreamed of when it might be legal some day. But I’ve been clean and sober for 36 years now so I don’t partake of such things anymore. And no, I don’t wear that shirt when I go to “those meetings,” but every now and again I put it on for the fun of it. Even though dope is legal in Michigan now, I still find the shirt amusing.

Shemp has been gone for a long time. He passed in 1955 when I was the ripe old age of one. So yes, that makes me 71 now!! Holy Frabblezackens!! During my childhood the TV was on pretty much all the time, so we got to enjoy lots of old movies. Then came the variety shows with my favorite popular music and comedy acts. Many of the performers I watched and loved have gone to the Great Beyond. Guess that means maybe I’m getting old!! Do I have an expiration date?? I just don’t know!! All I do know is that I’ve lost touch with which musicians, actors, etc. the young people are enjoying these days. I mean, we have this guy who goes by Bad Bunny getting ready to play at the Super Bowl, and until very recently I had absolutely no clue who he was. Saw him on Saturday Night Live the other night though, seems like a pretty good guy.

Losing touch ain’t so bad. I stay current enough… for me. Actually I have a pretty big boat load of gratitude for having lived in a time when I could enjoy the old and the new. Some of the music, in particular, doesn’t really rock my socks, if you know what I mean. But there’s lots of new music that is really great, I just have to go looking for it.

OK so Shemp has always been legal, but now he’s dead. Let’s enjoy some of his talent that has been preserved for us on the interwebs.

Isthmus Be My Lucky Day

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Dear Friends,

I’d like to assure all of you that although I often times write very silly things, I do not want anyone to be mentally or emotionally harmed by trying to glean some real meaning from what your eyeballs are smelling. I have waxed nonsensical for much of my life…. Early in life it was a coping mechanism that was very helpful for dealing with a rather challenging home environment. Now that I’ve worked through that stuff, I still enjoy nonsense for the pure fun of it.

With that in mind…

I’m telling you right now, I just have been sick up and fed lately and nobody can help it but me. The space between my ears has been clouded with moldy plum sugar, and my eyes have twitched radically while small animals sing “On Top of Old Smokey.” What I’m trying to say is, events of the world have weighed heavily on my pizza pans, and in my professional opinion, nothing cures a good ham like nonsensical pine with gently simmered nuclear fossil wagons.

As the bugmonsters utter new and exciting versions of the Spar Strangled Banana. Now that lumps of freshly scented soap have been discovered in Pilmus, New Voolia, we can all rest assured that nothing useful is being done to increase the life cycle of the lowly portable tuba wrench. After all, when I have a burrito for lunch and my coworkers run in fear for their noses, well, that’s a very special time indeed. Often, my dog has brought nose pollution to the home. I believe this is a direct result of the Double Barf Burger with cheese I bought for him at the drive up window at 7:37 p.m. We never commend him for producing brown air, but instead we scream and spray 89% Freshener Surprise into the neighboring air molecules.

So my friends, only so much nimble doony can be flung through the doors of coagulation at any given time. I will leave you now with the best philosophical happy time thought I can muster under such extreme duress. WHAT’S FIXIN’ TO FOLLOW THIS IS NOT FICTION OR NONSENSE, BUT A REAL-LIFE EXPERIENCE I HAD WHILE WATCHING TV MANY YARGONS AGO. If I cling to this attitude, I know nothing can get me down, for although I cry and whine at times, I REALLY AM GREATFUL FOR LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND EVERYTHING.

OK then, on with the phisopholy: there I was, minding my own business, watching the TV, when the Little Rascals came on and Pappy was assuming the role of school teacher for all the Gang at the Boarding School. He asked many of the class various important questions, which they answered in a most delightful manner. One of the kid’s name was Uh-Huh, and he was asked to use a sentence with the word “isthmus” in it. His answer is the best possible attitude I can carry with me at any given time:

“Isthmus be my lucky day!”

And you know, I’m a pretty fortunate bilge flattener. I need to try to stay positive, and focus on gratitude as my attitude. This and some requests for a little help from my friends will get me through these dark purple animal cracker explosions.

I must now shout that I’m grateful that you are just being who you are. I’m very glad that you are, because if you weren’t, I wouldn’t know you, and holy moly you are important to me. Whoever you are…

Please, always remember that it’s better to be you than for you to be me; and although you can count to it, eight is a word.

Thank you, and good night Melvin!!

One way I might feel better is to make a little bird house in my soul…