My 2021 Holiday Requirements

Holy Moly, it’s that time of year again awready!! Time to light the mistletoe, hang the eggnog, and trim the Holiday Picker Bushes with multicolored shredded aluminum foil and LED soapsuds lights. Yes, I can already hear the neighbors’ chickens cackling with delight as they forage in my wife’s flower gardens.

If you have read this silly blog over time, you’ll also know that all the upcoming festivities are all true signs that The Season Of Giving Ken Wonderful Presents is upon us. Yes folks, it’s that time again; when I list a set of “suggestions” for gifts that I had better receive. Please keep in mind that, as always, I’m very aware that you need to take care of your family and closest friends first. However, I must also stress the importance of me receiving each and every thing I ask for from Santa; because hey, I’m sure you don’t want to watch me crying in the corner while I drown my sorrows with multiple jars of pickled herring while our cat Fred rolls around in the catnip I tossed all over the floor during my extreme anquish and OH MY GOSH WHEN MY WIFE SEES THE MESS SHE WILL BE ANNOYED and well, you know, I think the consequences of me not getting everything I demand will be very much like forcing people to read a run-on sentence out loud without taking a breath or even getting a potty break but I would never force anyone to do anything; but perhaps you could just nod your head and pat my shoulder and say something accommodating like, “we’ll see what we can do, you spoiled little punk.”

So without further ado I hereby present to you my List of Holiday Requirements for 2021.

1. I am in dire need of a R.C.C.B.O.R. I think you can still get kits for those at Radio Shack. Just ask Melvin about whether she got any Remote Control Clutter Bomb Organizing Robot kits. I believe they sell for the rock bottom price of $14.38 and are on sale until Saturday, December 34. You may wonder what purpose such a robot serves. Well you see, someone detonated a clutter bomb in my garage; and since the mess is overwhelming I am convinced that only a remote control mechanical lobster (or perhaps octopus) robot can work on it. Please make acquiring this your top priority.

R. I could really use a replacement Kandy Klobarn KOVID Prevention Kit. Of course, my wife and I follow the science and have been vaccinated and even boosted. We mask up in public and sanitize or wash our hands regularly. But that extra protection in the Kandy Klobarn KOVID Prevention Kit just gives me extra peace of mind. Good old Kandy Klobarn… he really knows how to uplift a person’s spirits in these stressful times. I follow the directions closely, but I’m running out of eyebrow mustard and vinegar scented ear candles. My wife is not really in favor of me running around with crusty yellow eyebrows, and she makes sure she is upwind when I light the ear candles; but she keeps reassuring me by patting my shoulder and saying “it’s OK babe, I still love you.”

2X. Who stole my anchovy and banana sandwich??? Darn it!! I had it here on the counter and now it’s gone!! I was looking forward to munching on it with a nice tall glass of lizard milk while watching that new series “Compost Wars” on Nutflex. Oh wait… oh jeez… yep!! I stashed it in my sock drawer again. Hey, I don’t want anyone stealing my snacks!!

&!. You may not believe this, but you know that Universal Translator you never bought me last year? Well guess what: it fell in the toilet again. The first time this happened it was no big deal, it just sounded a little gargly. But now when I ask it to translate the Crognovian greeting, “may your knees never clunk the spikes of my snow tires,” the Universal Toilet Translator is almost unintelligible while saying with a raspy, gurgling voice, “maybe your trees river dunk Ike’s no wires.” As you can imagine, this would be very embarrassing in a social gathering. Please make this one your top priority. What?? I said that for item 1 ?? Umm… oh.

6K. Oh, please, don’t forget this one: I need some new toothbrush varnish. I’m almost out you see, and I don’t want my toothbrush to lose its luster and shine when guests first come in the door and wipe their feet off on it. I mean, how can I keep dirt particles out of my mouth after that?? I’ll tell you how: toothbrush varnish. That’s how.

Well folks, that should suffice for this year. If you have any trouble meeting these demands, please keep in mind that all I ever REALLY want is two simple things: Love and Peace. In my professional opinion, all of us have a responsibility to make those happen. We can start by being loving and kind to those we know; and we can spread it further by being kind to everyone we meet. And of course we mustn’t forget those who are in need. Even small donations can go a long way if we all chip in just a little.

I know it’s a little early, but I’d like to wish all of you a Very Happy Merry and a Truly Joyful Wonderful. Peace, Love and Hugs to You All.

“And now,” as Mr. Cleese said during many a Monty Python show, “for something completely different.” Although it’s not really that different… just “different.”