My Holiday Requirements for 2022

Hello my dear readers!

As we approach the Holiday season, many of you are scrambling to get gifts and goodies for your loved ones. Although inflation is making the gift giving bills sting a little this year, many of us are blessed with the ability to splurge anyhow. Please allow me to take this opportunity to wish you the very best shopping adventures, and of course, a safe and happy Holiday Season.

If you have been reading this silly blog for any length of time, perhaps you’re aware that this is the time of year when I jump on top of a large electronic milk crate to remind all of you that although you’re probably feeling some price pain this year, I feel it important to urge you to remember that I have some annual Holiday Requirements that are enumerated in “Happy Friday!!!” around this time on the calendar; and I must also interject that if you are not willing to fulfill my desires for material comfort I will of course be forced to continue this run-on sentence while wondering whether your cat ate any tinsel or perhaps your dog may have licked that ham that was on the platter just before guests arrived.


So without any further falderal, herewith I place my list of Holiday Requirements for 2022, which I’m sure all of you are eager to memorize to promote more efficient shopping.

1. I wish to obtain at least 12 winning Powerball tickets. One would be OK I guess, but if I’m going to have any chance of influencing global politics I will require at least 12. You may mail these to me… but if you choose to deliver in person I will gladly treat you to some of my famous grapefruit pie with a nice dollop of dingleberry ice cream placed somewhere near the plate.

N. I’m gonna need a Clutter Bomb Fallout Removal Tool (CBFRT… pronounced CABfart). Some jerk touched off a clutter-bomb in my garage, and there’s junk lying all over the place!! I mean ALL over… stuffed in the shelves, on top of the work bench… I think I still have an air cleaner for that old 1995 Plymouth Voyager!! Oh, and it’s still in the box in mint condition. It can be yours for a mere $297.14

9* Please bring delicious chocolate things. I mean unique stuff like those amazing chocolate earbuds nobody sells anymore. Those were delicious… but I’ll have to say the flavor is less wonderful once they’ve been coated with earwax a few times. Oh and not to forget those old fashioned chocolate covered pencils we never had in study hall. It was so much fun to watch bullies steal them and then take a big crunchy bite. I think you can still get those earbuds and pencils at Cracker Barrel.

7K. AAAaaahhCHOOO!!! Oh crap!! Hey, don’t sneeze with a mouthful of hot chocolate. After I get done cleaning my screen I’ll work on adding to my list of requirements. Oh GACK!! The marshmallows look like weird boogers!!! Gross!!

8X. Oh wow, they have some really cool Lego sets now, don’t they?? Star Wars, Lego Spider Man stuff, even a Lego City Train Station. Well I don’t want any of those. Instead, please let’s focus on the chocolate again please. Chocolate covered braunschweiger would be amazing, as would chocolate chip bologna I’m pretty sure. How about a nice box of chocolate celery brownie mix!! I love those combination packages. I open the box, flush the celery down the toilet, and stick my tongue in the brownie mix. This behavior really impresses my Beautiful Girlfriend. How do I know this?? Because when she saw me last time, she shouted, “Oh, Kenny!!” I was so surprised I sneezed and had to clean my screen again.

BQ. I need a gift certificate for some new hair seeds. You see, for the past… I dunno… 20 years maybe… some of my hair has been turning grey, and some has been turning loose. In other words, my mop is a bit sparse on top. I saw this cool thing on TV… not sure what the product was but they had this nice song: “Ch-ch-ch-CHIA!!” and they showed this cool thing where you spread seeds on a surface and VOILA!! Growth!! The one on TV shows plants but of course I would like the hair kind please.

Thank you.

So those are my Holiday Requirements for 2022. If you don’t have any willingness to comply with my urgent demands, well, I guess I’ll just let you know that I love you anyways. Whether you like it or not.

My real wish list is very simple… all I want for the Holidays is Peace, Love, and Harmony for all living things. Small request, right? Well of course I know I’m a bit idealistic to request anything like that; but I do pray for those very things pretty regularly. As I grow older, my other prayers have become pretty simple: I say “Thank You,” every day, I pray for the well being of others (but I let go of the results), and I ask for the ability to do the next right thing. I’ve learned (often the hard way) that I can’t change people, places, or things. All I can do is change how I react. I try my best to react with love whenever possible. You know, don’t sweat the small stuff; and of course everything is small stuff. I’m really hoping that more and more people will learn that LOVE is the answer. And of course we must get better at showing our love toward Mother Nature. After all, if we continue to injure Mother Nature, there will be no US.

May you all have a wonderful Holiday Season… cling to those you love and grieve the loss of those who have passed. Peace, Love, and Hugs to all of you.

And now, as was often said on Monty Python, for something completely different.