Please take a moment and raise your glass of cheesewater in a toast to our landline. “One, Two, Three, Hurray!!” Thank you. Hey… remember landlines? You know, non-cellular telephones that work even when the power is out? Those who know me understand that even though I’m a retired computer / electronics boy, I’m still living in the stone age when it comes to my “toys.” We still use an antenna for lots of our TV. Never had cable… never will. My computer is 12 years old and works great. My stereo (remember stereos??) is 20 years old and is also in fine shape. And yes, we still have a landline.
Well let me rephrase: we kept our landline number; which is in our house via a wireless base courtesy of Consumer Cellular. It connects to our old portable phones with the accompanying answering machine, and instead of shelling out $54 a month, we have the “landline” number active for a mere $14.75 a month. Initially, we figured we would keep the number because many people have it memorized; and we didn’t want to make them sad when they tried to call us. But we also received a surprise bonus: because we give online vendors the landline number, all the telemarketer calls go there. Well 99% of them do anyway. The wireless base would barf if we lost power, but it does a fine job screening calls for us in the meantime.
Those who know me are aware a tradition at our house is to have a very silly greeting on the answering machine. The current greeting, for example, goes thusly: “It’s nearly winter outside, I hope your nostrils are ready for the cold weather!! Leave a message after the tone… OK fine!” Sometimes I use a very thick accent to utter silly things. Bottom line is, those who know us will leave a message in spite of the silliness. Those who don’t know us are sometimes annoyed by the silly greeting, so as far as I’m concerned those folks can go bite large pieces of broken concrete. We do have caller ID on those old portables, so if we don’t recognize the number we simply don’t answer the phone.
Our cellphones are relatively spam free. However, occasionally I get some interesting texts from scammers trying to pose as legitimate businesses. These are in broken or poor English, and I actually get a kick out of reading them. Like this one for example:
[Information} We have to canceled your membership account on Netflix. To using your account as normally, you need to update your billing address. Click link below to update your account: http://whataloadofcrapandifyoureallybelievethisisNetflixyouaredummerthandirt.us.netflix.youbet
Best Regards,
Netflix, Inc.
Of course I did not transcribe the link as it appeared on my phone… I don’t want to harm anyone. Hopefully all of you are aware that if you get something lame like this, never never never NEVER click on the link. That’s how identity thieves and credit card fraudsters do their dirty deeds. I’m pretty sure scammers do what they do because they have nonfunctional and / or tiny reproductive organs. Every once in a while, I will actually pick up a call from a scammer just for the fun of it. Instead of giving them any of my information, I ask how the weather is or how their family is doing. I try to keep them on the phone for a bit… they are graded on how long they are on the phone to make a sale. And if they are on the phone for extra time with no sale, well that’s no good for them.
I’ve had times when “Microsoft” called to tell me that my “Windows certificate is about to expire” and my computer will quit working. Sadly, friends of mine have fallen for the “hey we’re Microsoft” scam. Let’s be clear: Microsoft will never call you about your computer. At least, not unless you are an IT professional and have a case open with them. So when “Microsoft” calls, I plead with the caller’s sense of morality. “Hey,” I ask,”isn’t there some honest work you can find with the talents you have??” And the response of course is… * click!! *
Well OK folks… gotta go. Amazon has called the “landline” number about a fraudulent order I supposedly placed. I have to press 1 to speak with a representative. Oh, and there’s a problem with my Social Security Account!! Oh God!! Oh God!! Oh holy crap my Medicare is all messed up too!!! Yaiiiyeee!!! Umm… OK yes I really do get calls like these; but no, they don’t get to talk to me. Instead, they are asked whether their nostrils are ready for cold weather.
Three cheers for the landline!!
For the video… are you ready for telephones with DIALS??
How about a nice extension phone??
Or perhaps you’d like to go mobile??
This one has a classic scene of the Three Stooges answering the phone. A lot of slapstick so that if that’s not your thing, feel free to pass it by.