The holidays will soon be upon us, and this year has much in common with previous years, materially speaking. I told my Beautiful Girlfriend yesterday, “I have absolutely zero Christmas Spirit.” That’s not because I’m competing with the Grinch. Rather, I get a bit somber about all the money spent on gifts each year. I’ve been asked what I’d like Santa to bring me and I keep coming up dry. I really don’t need ANYTHING. I believe we are very fortunate; and there’s really not a darn thing I want.
However, if any of you have read my silly blog for more than a year (you poor soul!!), you’ll know that every year about this time I send a list of what I require to receive as gifts to make my holidays complete. And hey, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I need to be a bit more assertive about all this Christmas present business. “That’s right,” I says to myself. I says, “Yeah… I deserve to get lots of cool stuff from Santa!! I mean, hey, isn’t THAT what Christmas is all about??” I says.
No of course not.
But just in case, at this time I’d like to force each living soul to read my list of demands for gifts. That’s right, I want youse to buy me lots of cool stuff for Christmas and I’m not taking “NO” for an answer. Actually, I’m not even taking anything for an answer. Just please take careful notes regarding the following list. Seriously. I mean, hey, I don’t normally ask much of my friends, or anyone else who might be unfortunate enough to stumble upon this silly blog posting. OK… disregard the note taking. PRINT THIS LIST and waste lots of paper and ink in the name of environmental sarcasm! That oughta show those darned trees and ink chemicals who’s boss!!
OK, enough with the foot dragging; on with the list. These are very specific requests, so please keep in mind that if I receive the incorrect presents, I shall retaliate by daily forcing my cats to watch 61/2 hours of the weather radar channel on our TV (as you can see, my greed is not a force to be underestimated).
Alright, now that I have your attention, what’s next? Oh yes, the list. And please, have mercy on my cats: when you’re out there shopping for me, remember: you must NOT vary one iota from this list!!
1) First edition, autographed copy of “My Gravy Stained Tricycle” by Jennifer “Warren” Chrysanthemum. (I’ve been searching for this biographical tome for at least 17 weeks.)
2w) 25 kilograms of industrial quality pizza crusts imported from Moose Mountain, Saskatchewan. (They make the very best, please… no substitutes.)
P9) A lifetime supply of red blood cells. What? We make those ourselves?? Oh, fine!
Zot) 14 rhinestone-studded Tupperware sandwich containers. One simply must not ignore fashion during picnics, am I right?
L9G) Genuine plastic containers of cricket milk, preferably the 17 ounce size or larger. (I’m told the chore of milking crickets requires a very small stool and bucket.)
2.K) I could really use some help removing all the broken concrete from the west side of my vegetable garden. I planted it there years ago and I believe it made babies. Please come after dark and bring your own digging tools and floodlights. No need to knock on the door to announce your arrival… and please don’t even think about asking to use the bathroom after getting your shoes all dirty. Just get those stinkin’ things out of there so I can plant more veggies. OK??
B#%) It’s really getting to be high time youse guys brought me some more of those chocolate covered pine cones!!
@1L) You know those candies we used to get all those years ago with the hard, sugary stuff outside and a gooey, jelly like substance inside? Well those things are weird and a little bit nasty in my professional opinion. However, they are fun to lick awhile just before you drop them into someone else’s stocking.
0QY!) Three mating pairs of vinegarroons. I intend to cross breed them with vinegarettes as a method of providing self replenishing salad dressing to my cats while they’re watching the weather radar channel.
1n8) Please pass the Altoids. Have you seen my watch? I sure hope there’s enough windshield washer fluid in my car’s washer tank thingy. Hey… is NCIS on tonight?
And finally,
X27) One winning Power Ball Lottery Ticket. Just one. A winning one. Thank you.
Very well then. I know there’s not much time… Christmas is coming closer every day. Please just get with the program and take care of all my wants awreddy. OK?? OK!!
But seriously folks, please remember to do your best to help those less fortunate than we are. Spread love and be kind to everyone you meet… even the grumpy ones; because as a dear friend of mine used to say, “People who are the least lovable are the ones who need loving the most.” And maybe if we all work, pray, and vote for peace, magical things just might happen in our world.
Speaking of magical things: perhaps you’ve seen this before, but it’s one of our favorite Christmas cartoons.