Buzzin’ In Bugville

Ah, summertime… cookouts, fresh berries, warm sunny days, and lots of BUGS!! Especially if you live in Podunk Swamp World, which is exactly where we live. The mosquito vampire bugs have been especially thick lately.  Soon their numbers will be joined by hordes of deer flies and black flies. Oh, not to forget the gnats. They all get hungry every stinking time I go outside. Deer flies are not too bad because they aren’t nearly as numerous as the stupid skeeters, and they’re dumb enough that you can kersmoosh them easily. Black flies are meany punk kakahead mooka flarns, because they hurt like crazy when they bite and I have yet to swat one successfully. You may be able to swat one if they have their blood sucking stabber thing deep into your skin, but I’m a wimp and don’t like the pain. So, I try to swat as quickly as I can and cry for OW when I miss them and hit me. Skeeters are the worst. I mean, there are so many of these stupid things that I swear to The Giant Rhinoceros Statue that I was lifted off the ground by a swarm of them the other day. I have killed many of them; often after they have guzzled a few milliliters of my red blood juice.

Holy Splatter Globs, Batman!!

One thing nice about living in the swamp: you’ll never go hungry. If you need a snack, just run through our yard with your mouth open, and you’ll get a meal and a half of all kinds of different flying meat. I eat them all the time… not purposely mind you, but it happens. Gnats seem to be the most common meal I ingest. I especially enjoy talking to someone outside and having a quick bug snack.  I’ll pause, then interrupt the conversation by interjecting, “I think I ate a bug!!”  Ah well. Summer also means that the dragonflies and their cousins the damselflies are hatching out. They eat skeeters. And gnats. And deer flies. And black flies. Simply put, THEY ARE MY HEROES.

Ants. They are also very friendly right now.  In the past, we had the privilege of a bunch of them coming to visit during a graduation open house, and boy did that give us the warm fuzzies inside. Nothing makes your self esteem higher than a bunch of ants traipsing about the house when you have company from all over the universe. I remember my Honey Pie asking me, “Where the *&%$ are all these ants coming from??”  Well of course, they migrate from Antarctica!  Except fire ants. They don’t like Michigan because our winters put their fires out. THANK GOD.  Those boogers are nasty.

For your enlightenment, I have gathered a few amazing yet little known statements about some of these bug things: Dragonflies, for example, are from a land called Onalee. If you get too close to them they will burn your eyebrows. I mean, hey, they are dragons!! Lightning bugs are, of course, from thunderstorms. I’m truly surprised that there is no loud noise when you see their hineys light up. But then, what do I know about all this?? Deer flies look nothing like deer and black flies aren’t very black. Gnats are tiny, so that one makes sense. And of course, gnats have very tiny hineys; hence the expression, “smaller than a gnat’s hiney.”

Or something like that…

Although I have nothing but hatred for mosquitoes, I also resign to the fact they are useful because they feed not just dragonflies and damselflies, but also bats, swallows and other wonderful animals. And of course the mosquito wrigglers (larvae) feed fishies. Swamp World contains many many amazing wild critters.  And in spite of all the bugs that are buzzin’ around our house, we will likely never leave. We just love being part of the swamp family.

However, my professional opinion is:  the stinkin’ skeeters, deer flies, and black flies can leave any time!

And now for an interesting example of how onions can get rid of bugs.