Dear Zandenbiffles,
This is to inform you that although you are now finished singing “Jingle Bells” while gargling potato salad, there will be no further ritual slayings of moldy couches in your behalf. The local law enforcement agencies have informed me that this practice is being filmed and used for soft drink commercials. We have therefore decided to laugh loudly in their faces; and tell them that their mommies are singing marshmallow songs while they go to the potty.
Ha! Ha-ha on those guys! Ha!
I was in the store yesterday and they ran out of fried pickles again. Very upset, I was, to enjoy the lasting flavors of well done deep fried dills no more:
Deep fried dills,
Deep fried dills.
One a-penny, two a-penny,
Deep fried dills.
When the fish come to visit,
We stick them in their gills.
One a-penny, two a-penny,
Deep fried dills.
That was something that came to me in a dream.
I remember chewing on a package of freshly fried pickles, wondering how they would taste if only I could get the stupid bag open. I finally laid the package down, and my cats promptly threw it in the woodstove. They have less than fond memories of me mixing diced dills into their Nine Purina Frisky Lives brand “Tuna, Oatmeal, And Dumplings; Specially Made Edible, Great, and Magically Awesome” (abbreviated T.O.A.D. S.M.E.G.M.A.) dinner in a can. They love that stuff. Personally, I don’t see how they can eat that crap.
Well, enough about delicious foods.
Let’s talk about the pajama crisis, shall we? Unfortunately, as I’m sure you are aware, the supply of pajamas has fallen far short of the demand. Many people have been improvising to overcome the shortage, using household items to fabricate sleepwear. Paper shopping bags seem to be the most popular material, but I have heard numerous complaints of the tape working loose during the night and sticking to rather embarrassing places.
This is easily remedied, of course, by first coating the skin liberally with petroleum jelly to avoid having the tape stick. Another solution is to spray yourself from head to toe with cooking spray just before bedtime. Where there’s a will, there’s a large soggy donut, I always say. Besides, Burger King bags make nice hats. Try it sometime. Take the food out first. Or not!! Perhaps you’d like to be called silly names like: you crazy Food-Head! Onion Ring Eyes! Here, come here and let me give you a Hamburger Haircut! I’m sorry. I don’t normally hurl food-based name insults in such a molecular manner.
I don’t know what came over me.
OK, so now I’m smelling something, but during the same time span during the exact same instance of momentary quiet solitude that I smelled whatever it was during a moment of silent reflection, and I could see myself in your china. That’s very sparkly, if I must say so myself. If I must not, please tell me so before tomorrow. Tell me something right now, but save some of it for a surprise. I like surprises. SURPRISE!! Were you surprised? I wasn’t, and I couldn’t even see the word until I typed it!
There’s something to ponder now, isn’t it? Words are invisible until they are seen. We can talk invisibly, especially over the phone. But people who talk are not necessarily invisible; except sometimes. I mean, when someone who is not blind says, “I never get to see you anymore,” does this mean I am vanishing? Holy cow, that scares me! Wait, I have to go check a mirror!/a…,D>AffL”AFsd-0fop ;, 112 alright, cat, get off the keyboard! Can’t I even do an invisibility check without you messing with the computer??
Well, it’s OK. I can see myself, and although I appear to be a little less than three-dimensional, the mirror says I’m there. I grabbed my nose just to make sure. Didn’t pick it though. If I did, I sure as heck wouldn’t tell you anyway.
Now, my friends, is the time for me to stop. My Silly Battery is oozing strange powdery wooden camel hairs, and that means I must change into my Rugman suit and chase the evil Mog-Woller out of the pillow factory. Don’t forget to tell yourself something before you forget to remember not to forget about whatever it is you were supposed to remember. Where are my socks? They said hello to me this morning. Oh nevermind.
MAY LOVE SURROUND YOUR SOUL WITH GREAT WARMTH AT ALL TIMES.
Sincerely and Wholeheartedly yours,
Vigniss Pefflewonk
a.k.a. “Slush Fund Eleanor”
OK! Let’s watch some silly streamings…