Hallowe’en Monster Mash

They dwell among us.

The undead.

They’re evil, wicked, mean and nasty.


All the little monsters are getting ready for the Great Sugar Rush to fill their headbones with sucrose and chocolaty mish mash moosh until they vow never to eat any more Mary Janes, Neccos, or Snickers. You can already catch the scent of candy in the plastic pumpkins. Wonderful sugar pushers are already bringing in the deadly stuff to the workplace. Horrible things like candy corn, miniature chocolate bars, malt balls, and even Neapolitan cookies!! Yeah, you know, those wafer things that come in vanilla, chocolate and strawberry flavors.

Well, those people are all conspiring against me. They share a common goal: to cause me to binge on sweets so my britches will pop, my eyes will roll to the back of my head, and I’ll fall down in a nice pile of leaves with a big sugar-eating grin on my face. I have only one thing to say to all you sugar monkeys: I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH. COME LIVE WITH ME.

Ooops!! I said two things. That’s ok, I don’t mind. Two things are better than one. May I have another malt ball please?? Thank you. Now my teeth are brown with delight, and I shall never pressure wash them again.

Hallowe’en is a most magical time of the year, darn it. Young monsters roaming the streets, and gathering all those yummy remarkables. These days we take the grandkids trick or treating. Our own kids of course are older now, and I confess I miss the very important chore we had to bear as parents each Hallowe’en: to check the loot when they get home. Conversation during such safety checks went much like this:

“This Mr. Goodbar looks like it’s been tampered with. Guess I better taste it to make sure.”

“DAAaad!! How come it’s only the Mr. Goodbars that are defective?? That’s the thirteenth one you ‘tested’ so far.”

“Well, ok, they’re probably alright. Oooo!! Snickers! That one looks a little… yep! There’s a tiny hole right here! Gotta open it up…”

“Gimme that back!! MOM! Dad’s eating all my candy!!”

“SSSsshhh!! OK, OK!! Here!!”

Of course, as monster kids grow up, Hallowe’en activities change. One thing has remained the same though: we’re privileged to have them over to carve pumpkins. Nowadays that includes the grandkids, which of course is way cool. The traditional photo session at the end of all the carving artistry involves one picture with the lights on, and one with the lights off; while the flickering candle light of the jack o’ lanterns lights up our faces.

Before the kids were grown, past Hallowe’ens came with the traditional parental warnings: don’t harm anything. No eggs. No mayonnaise. Nasty stains with that stuff. No breaking things. Soap, shaving cream, now there’s some party favors! Our son once mentioned maybe plastic wrap might be nice.

“What, no toilet paper?? Anyhow, what the heck do you do with the plastic wrap?”

“Wrap up someone’s mailbox! Hee hee!!”

“Ummm, yeah, ok man, whatever you say.”

Sounded like fun to be honest…

After digging into my own childhood memory box I recalled when some friends of mine wrapped this guy’s motorcycle in MANY layers of hiney wipe. Poor dude parked his bike inside a gas station, where one of the pranksters worked. Right across the street from the grocery store. Talk about your supply and demand! So I was kinda keen on Nate doing a big TP job, because I never had the guts to do that when I was a kid. I was scared to death of my dad in those days; and I didn’t want the skin removed from my posterior.

At our house, we pretty much allowed harmless pranks. A well done toilet paper job is pretty cool, actually. Until it rains. Got a bit concerned once when our daughter informed us about some interesting plans, though.

“Where you goin’ tonight, Punkin?”

“We’re goin’ go to Ryan’s house and fork them!”

“SAY WHAT??!!”

“You know, you buy a few boxes of plastic forks and stick them all in the lawn!”

OK so that sounded like fun to me too! Can you imagine the parents waking up in the morning??

“Wake up, dear!!”

“Why, what’s wrong??”

“We’ve been forked!”

“O God, NO!!”

Hey, there’s lots worse these monsters can get into. We tried not to suppress their creativity, so long as it was harmless fun. In other words, we stayed involved enough in their lives to know what they were doing.

Anyhow, since they’re older now, trick-or-treating is slowly setting sail on the ship to Memory Island. But you know what? Sometimes I miss all those free “possibly defective” chocolate bars the kids used to bring home by the bushel. However, we have been known to mooch a little from the grandkids. We don’t do “safety checks” anymore, that’s Mom and Dad’s job.

I know, maybe I’ll dress up like a coffee table or something and go myself!! On the other hand, maybe I could go shopping!! Let’s see there’s all this candy; but wait… plastic forks, shaving cream, toilet paper, plastic wrap… Plastic wrap?? Yeah, why not??!!

Happy Hallowe’en, all you Flavorheads!! By the way, that Mr. Goodbar looks like it’s been tampered with a bit…

Well if you’ve ever visited this silly site before, you know I love old cartoons.  In keeping with the spirit of the season, here are a couple of my favorites.