Happy Holidays?? A Bit Early…

Seems very early to me, but according to the Giant Electronic Media Universe (GEMU), the Holiday Season has begun, and Christmas is just around the corner. And you know what that means, right? YES!! The GEMU wants you to spend money! Well, I have something I’d like to vonkulate that I believe is much more important than money. It’s a Holiday Letter For You, Whom I May Not Know But Love Anyway (even if maybe I don’t like you).  So without further ado, here is my first (but probably not the last) Holiday Hello To All Who Care To Receive It:

Hello Jingle Hair,

If you are reading this letter, please remember the following 3 reasons why I think that you, personally, the reader of this is just plain wonderful:

1) You are a special person.

R) You never called me on the phone to shame me after I sold all my compost to the Jelly Consortium, and

6) You have never put a swordfish in my car.

Therefore, I must urge you to receive the following heartfelt Season’s Greeting.  If you don’t enjoy and have a Happy Merry and Joyful Wonderful, I will squash. I’m telling you now and you can believe me later, you must have a nice Holiday and be with those who love you. Offer them soda and nice candy. Or celery with a nice fried radish gravy. Maybe you could go the extra mile and provide a plate on which to put the soda gravy and the fried radish candy. Whatever you end up doing, smile gently and belch often. This is the mark of a happy person.

Enjoy Christmas. Even if you are a Buddhist or like to sing about Harry Kirschner in the airport, please have a wonderful Christmas Time. That’s because Christmas is a time of great joy, regardless of who your Holy Mackerel is. I mean really, Santa has become pretty much nondenominational when you think about it. Please remember, though, that Christmas should be celebrated each and every day of your living life of being alive. That is my professional opinion. We must be nice to everyone we meet, especially kakaheads. Kakaheads are sad inside. Some of them are sad on the outside also, and may even have a bad odor. Love them anyway. The Big Holy Remarkable makes no junk. If you don’t believe me, well too darn bad.

Try to put resentments and grudges in the garbage before they begin to cause soul rot. Yes, that’s right, stuff those grudges in the trash, walk away, and don’t go digging them back out of there. Some folks think it’s a good idea to hold grudges. Some go as far as to hold a grudge for years even!! Well, as its name implies, a grudge is truly an unpleasant thing. I mean, its name doesn’t even sound pleasant, now does it?? “Grudge.” I just said it out loud for a test. Sounds like some one is having difficulty while sitting on the potty or something. “Grudge. Oooommppfff. Grrruuuddgge.” Yup, that’s just plain gross.

Took me a while to learn, but I no longer can hold a grudge for very long. Holding anything for even a few hours makes your hands sweaty at the very least. Sweaty things can be kind of disgusting after a while, so if you must hold a grudge for any length of time, please try to pause to wash it occasionally. You might find that after washing your grudges, they become so clean they won’t be very grudgey anymore. Then maybe you can let go of them. Put them down. Let them outside. Suggest maybe they play in traffic. Set them free, ya know???

I hear some folks say, “yesterday of several years ago, I was wronged and had much anguish.  Now I am sad that yesterday was so bad.  Everyone must hear me on this matter and pay attention to my misfortune.”  To these folks I say to you all now: yesterday has already oozed through the colander of life. You cannot rebuild it. The dirt fell off the yesterday wagon many flingles ago, and nothing anyone can do will bring yesterday back. Forgive those who wronged you and move along, lest you lose your place in the dessert line of happiness.

Some other folks say, “oh Holy Wah, tomorrow is gonna be horrible.  I just can’t imagine how horrible it will be.  I am pretty sure that since yesterday was gocky, tomorrow will be at least as bad, maybe even worse.  It could maybe be better but I sure doubt it.”  Well, I have never been able to smell anything from tomorrow yet, but God knows I’ve tried. When I was much younger than I am today, I was told that during a camping trip I sat up in my sleeping bag in the wee hours of the night and happily announced, “good morning everybody, it’s tomorrow now!!” Upon uttering this, I’m told, I snuggled back into my sleeping bag and zonked until the sun woke us all up. I had no recollection of this event. So even though I thought I smelled tomorrow, it was a dream. I think. One thing I’m sure of: tomorrow is not a given. No one can be absolutely sure it will come. We sure hope it will, but we can’t prove that it will be there. That being said, there’s no way in fooja-looga we can tell what’s gonna happen on the day after today.

So the point is this: today is a gift. That’s why it’s called “The Present.” Isn’t that nice and wizzly?? We get a new present each and every day. Very cool, because no matter how much money we have or don’t have, we still get at least one present every day. We can learn from the past, but we can’t change it. We all hope tomorrow comes, but that’s not a for-sure type thing. So, today is what matters. What we do with any given moment can change the past for the better, one moment at a time. We would all do well if we tried to fill each moment available to us with love. Sure, we are human and will fall short of such a lofty ideal, but it doesn’t hurt to try. Progress, not perfection, ya know? Unfortunately though, I’ve noticed that some people say that they care about folks, but go out of their way to stir up trouble. Sometimes they respond with love for awhile and then go back to the same-old same-old. Too bad for them. They are the lonely ones. We must pray for them, and help them if possible.

Then again, some of the lonely ones want nothing to do with changing their sadness. Then I am reminded of the words of Duane, the great philosopher (well OK, he’s a friend), who once told me: “Do not try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.” So what in the world does all this spewing and Duane the philosophering have to do with a Holiday Season Remarkable Hello?? Well, ok, I’ll stop with the floofing and bonkling. Just please go forth and be happy, jingly and cronkulous. Please don’t make your holiday crapulent, however. Too much crapulence is a very crapulent thing. And remember that it’s always better to be you than for you to be me, and that although you can number things 1 through 8, eight is actually a word. You can pick unripe radishes and they will still be red. Squid don’t require drivers licenses. Grapefruit are not really grape fruit. Well, ok, they’re fruit, but if they made grapes that tasted like the citrus stuff, well wine would be much different now wouldn’t it??

Have a great Holiday World. I’m going to sleep in a lot. That will be nice.

Jingle dee dee,


a.k.a. Monkey Head Jones

Maybe during one of my Holiday Naps I’ll venture off to Dreamland…