My Holiday Requirements for 2017

Dear Loving Reader People,

I would like to start off by yelling a VERY HAPPY DECEMBER to all who care to hear it. For many of us, this month ushers in the Holiday Season, which actually started around Hallowe’en some time but it’s really here now with all the fancy TV commercials and marketing gimmicks and Holy Wondoony Sales Events that chingle the golden hearts of even the most miserly people; many of whom are not at all aware of the fact that their giving spirit will soon embrace their MoneyBrains and will cause them to either buy me lots of cool things or just complain that I slammed yet another silly run-on sentence into a Happy Friday Thing just because I haven’t in a long time so the time came when it was time.

To write one.

A run-on sentence.

Not to be confused with sentence fragments.

Like the ones I just built.

Anyway, it’s around this time that I broadcast to all my readers the list of gifts I must receive to satisfy my Truly Important Holiday Requirements. Please understand that if I don’t receive each and every one of the following urgently requested items, I will probably start collecting insect juice in that 12 gallon jar over there. It’s a wonderful accomplishment to fill such a jar, but it’s a rather gruesome process that takes way too long during the winter.

Without any further delay, I hereby bequeath upon you the task of satisfying my lust for material goods with the following list of requirements. I will call it “My Holiday Requirements Lust List.” I’ll try to keep the list short… don’t want to be greedy ya know.

OK, here’s the list:

A. I need a new jar of microwaveable chocolate covered sardines. No need to go to much trouble there, the 174 oz. jar from Leif Erikson’s Lazy Larder will work just fine. The jar I kept hidden I my sock drawer is pretty much empty. Please inspect the jar carefully though, the last one had a small crack in it and I didn’t notice it for 3 weeks. Conversations became awkward…

“Your feet stink!!”

“But I just put clean socks on!!”

“Well, somethin’ ain’t right…they smell like rotten fish!!”

Took a couple months to get my socks smelling nice and clean again.

4. You know that Norwegian cheese that has cloves and caraway in it and tastes so remarkably wow? Well, why did you hide that on top of my car’s muffler last year?? I mean, I like surprises but the fumes nearly burned my eyebrows off when I went looking for the source of the cheesey poofy smoke I noticed when I looked in the rearview mirror on the way home from the Santa’s Helpers Burping Concert last year. Tell you what though, you haven’t lived till you’ve heard “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer” sung in burping harmony!!

R. Looks like I’m gonna need a new shoelace loom. I’ve been weaving my own shoelaces for about 17 millibops now, and it has never really worked out. However, once the cat discovered all the cool knobs made of acorn caps there was simply no effective way to recalibrate the nostril fiber spinning mechanism. Oh never mind… just get me one of those pens that writes under a waterfall instead.

7V. Holy Carp!! Someone stuffed my jeans into the bathtub for a drain plug!! Oh wait… it’s OK. The goldfish are doing fine.

B$. Please e-mail me some new spark plugs for my reciprocating toastermobile. That thing makes the best darn toasted cinnamon bacon popcorn sandwiches this side of Lower Loofonia.

And the last item on my Holiday Requirements Lust List:

47!.

Please be kind to every living thing you meet, and try to remember that we are all Children of The Great Holy Whoever They Are. Offer handshakes; or better yet ask if a hug is needed.  Smile. Try to be grateful; because even our worst days may be much better than someone else’s. And last but not least: Mother Nature loves us, so we need to let her know we love Her, also.

Well that’s enough I think. Hope all is as well with you as it is with me. As a friend of mine says, “90% of the world would love to have the problems I have.”

Peace, Love, and Hugs,

Kenny

Went looking for a video and found this one… not at all topic related but rather unique (or should I say weird??)…