Author Archives: Ken Hansen

I’m Trying!!

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So there I was, on a Friday night, which is tonight because it’s not Saturday yet; and we have our grandsons Oliver and Gabriel over for the weekend, and usually they help me with silly ideas for a story, but it seems to be getting worse as they grow older, and I’m not sure why that is; but one thing I do know is that this silly run-on sentence is already way too long.

“I need some story ideas from you guys,” I announced as bedtime was drawing near. I waited… and waited… probably for a very long 47 seconds. No response. “So you guys just wanna head off to bed then??”

“No, I’m trying,” Oliver replied. “But you’re not,” said I. “Yes I am,” said he. “But you don’t smell like it,” I retorted. “I don’t know Gabe,” Oliver answered. “You don’t know Gabe??” I queried. Oliver’s voice got a little louder; and he blurted “Yes I know Gabe!! Gabe:I don’t have any ideas, do you?” Another pause. Then Oliver said “All I can think of is the name Sigmund.” Then my Beautiful Girlfriend (whom the boys refer to as Nini) chimed in: “The name of the horse of course of course his name was Sigmund and Sigmund was his name!!”

Gabe finally chimed in, “He can go to Mars in his flying pick up truck!!” And Oliver continued, “And his favorite breakfast is Cinnamon Toast Crunch with water instead of milk.” “When he got there the Martians were doing the Martian hop!” Nini exclaimed. Gabe added “The Martians pets were bananas that looked like monkeys.” The well appeared to be running dry. Both boys were obviously more than ready to hit the sack. Oliver delivered the final offering: “I personally think that water is the most mild beverage and vanilla ice cream is too spicy. My favorite food is cottage cheese with hot sauce. And I’m done.”

Another story by the grandsons came to an abrupt close. These days, it seems like each time I attempt to pry story ideas out of their noggins it becomes more and more like pulling teeth. Perhaps they are losing interest in this “hey let’s do some ideas for a silly story” thing. Maybe it’s just difficult to be creative after a long day at school followed by very exhausting sessions with video games. Or it could be something really weird like they’re growing up! Yes that might be it. When given the choice between the customary cartoon viewing before bed and video games, guess which was favored? Oh well. Oliver’s voice is changing from boy to man. Gabe’s hormonal roller coaster will be here all too soon. Before we know it they’ll be off on their own.

Guess we’ll just enjoy every opportunity to have them visit while they still like being around Nini and Papa. In the meantime… please enjoy the philosophical wisdom of George and Gracie.

Like Normal People (?)

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How does one define the word “normal?” Anyway? I suppose it depends on who you ask. I mean, something as simple as wearing underwear might be considered normal by most folks. Then of course there are those who don’t find that normal at all. There are so many ways to interpret what “normal” is, that some (including me) have embraced the statement that normal is simply a cycle on the washing machine.

Why would I even want to go there? Writing about what’s normal I mean. Well, my Beautiful Girlfriend forced me to do it with a funny quip she made about dinner the other day. We were settling in for the evening; all our chores completed, and it was time to enjoy an elegant dinner of burritos from Taco Bell. My Lovely Bride looked at me with her beautiful eyes and said, “Let’s go to the bedroom, watch TV and eat our dinner like normal people.” “Like normal people, huh??” I snickered.

That gave both of us a nice chuckle. And yes we did enjoy our gourmet burritos in bed while we watched a Marvel movie with surround sound. Why do we have surround sound in the bedroom? Because that’s what my Honey Pie wanted. And I have to say it’s pretty nice to chill out all comfy and enjoy movie house quality sound in the comfort of your own… um… bedroom. And yes, we have surround sound in the living room too.

Are we spoiled or what??

Now I must ask: it’s normal for people to enjoy bad breath sandwiches, right? You know, some nice deli rye slathered in mayo with some chopped onion and a can of King Oscar sardines in tomato sauce layered nicely on there. Then snarf it down and go looking for your sweetie for a nice kiss. My wife just loves that ya know! Oh wait!!! No, she does NOT. No smooching till the teeth are brushed!!

Oh, and is it normal to buy a tool (or something) because you can’t find the one you know you have?? Gotta have that metric adjustable wrench today, right?? How else can I loosen the fronkulator on the bilateral mizzlepop and make sure it twinkles correctly before the warranty expires?? So off we go to the hardware store, buy an adjustable metric wrench for $18.95; and I’m told “You’re lucky!! You got the last one and oh, by the way, it costs more because it’s metric.” Then I learn that these are often called Crescent wrenches and they work for any standard because hey, they’re adjustable!! Well OK I already knew that; it’s just fun to be silly. Of course, I have indeed purchased a tool or other thing-a-ma-bob over the years because I needed the one I was sure I had, but could not find it for love nor money. So I go buy a new one (oh wait, that’s money!); and about halfway through the project while I’m rummaging through the tools I find the missing domaflochy that I had all along.

So is it normal for the pizza to change colors while the oven is turned off, then start howling when the preheat is finished and the oven door is open?? Then when I go to put it on the oven rack all these little colored flags pop up with exclamations like “No!!” “Ouch!!” “Hot!!” “LEAVE ME ALONE!!” And then the mouse with driving cap and sunglasses in the little sports car starts ramming my ankles and shouting obscenities (I think) in Swahili or something while beeping his horn. Phone rings, I slide my hand too close to the rack, ouch that hurts, it’s someone who wants to extend my car’s warranty and the refrigerator is beeping again and confetti is gushing out of the ice maker and why in the HECK is the motor oil in the vegetable drawer??

Oh wait… just a dream.

Was that a normal dream? Or should I just enjoy that cycle on the washing machine?

This might be an interesting dream…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmsrFSTjMXU

Monday Monkey Business

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Some of you may be aware that this Monday brings a celebration day for Peace, Love, and Harmony. And yes, of course I’m talking about Valentine’s Day. I firmly believe that February 14 is not a day to be celebrated only by lovers. The spirit of the day should be shared with everyone, because hey, “What The World Needs Now Is Love;” and yes, the Dionne Warwick reference is definitely intended.

At our house, Valentine’s Day has always been very warm and fuzzy; dripping with honey globs and covered with chocolate mixed with assorted deliciousness accompanied by some hugging and maybe some smooching and perhaps some none-of-your-business. We usually enjoy a special treat for dinner. You know, stuff like steak on the half shell or maybe lobster toenails served on a crispy bed of burnt popcorn. Our palates will then be delicately washed with a nice glass of alcohol free sparkling orange & tomato juice with a healthy dollop of cinnamon baked oatmeal floating on top. Often we like to have some candy, and since we’ve been very careful with our sugar intake this year we went to The Lakeside Emporium (← click the link to their store) (I double-D dare ya) (yes, I like to put too many things in parentheses) for a rare treat. Each of us selected enough delicious morsels to fill a 40 pound container. It’s also possible that we limited our selections to 12 candies each. Yesterday, while she was at work, I stopped at our old favorite, the White Lake Greenhouse (← another link!!) and picked out a nice bouquet of the customary flowers which will be hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that Saint Valentine soon will be there.

Since Covid, we’ve been enjoying movies quite a bit in the comfort of our own home. I must confess, when my Beautiful Girlfriend requested that I install surround sound in our bedroom all those years ago, I brooped and merfled at the idea. Now of course we very much enjoy chilling out with our HUGE 32 inch flat screen TV (the best size to fit in the cabinet she wanted) and full surround audio from a nice Pioneer system. I’m hoping my Lovely Bride will agree to an action flick this time. Perhaps something like the Saskatchewan Chainsaw Massacre… it’s like the one in Texas but colder and more polite. Of course she may want to watch one of those romantic classics like Guess Which Vampire Is Coming To Dinner; that one’s a mixture of passion and her love for vampire movies. Who knows… maybe we’ll settle for an old Buster Keaton movie and some cartoons.

After the movie, as has always (never) been the case in previous years, I will serenade my Sweetheart by yodeling Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” and then Devo’s “Time Out For Fun” in their entirety. I’ll probably be yodeling vociferously while painting my eyebrows with neon green hi-lighter to increase her arousal. The serenade is preceded by my newly discovered trick of getting lollipops to stick to my cheeks after a few licks. Yep, just get them a bit moist on one side, then press and hold for approximately 5 minutes. The result will likely put a big smile on her face, especially as my neon green eyebrows dance seductively while the lollipop sticks hop to the yodel-wiggles while I belt out the tunes.

As you can see, I really know how to show my Darling Honey Pie a good time on Valentine’s Day. My sincere hope for all of you is that you give and / or receive love on the upcoming Special Day; but please do not stop there. What the world really does need, is Love, Sweet Love; so please spread it far and wide, each and every day of the year. Even something small like telling a retail worker “Thank You” is a nice way to spread the love.

And if they don’t seem moved, you can always offer to yodel for them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XP-fu–VpS4

Hot Dog!! Soup.

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Perhaps I’m being simplistic, or maybe even a bit crinkly; but my professional opinion on current events is that while Omicron is trying to jump deeply inside of everyone’s nostrils, there are tactics which must be employed in order to mitigate the chaotic, herky-jerky economic impact; and of course only the serotonin elevating condition of a belly full of comfort food can initiate such mitigation; and a run-on sentence that is confusing at best is not necessarily an effective way to remove radioactive skin particles from the soles of our shoes.

I think, maybe.

We had a cataclysmic event recently: the bucket of potatoes I harvested this fall were all starting to sprout!! Oh God oh God!! After a week or so of noticing this phenomenon, I leapt into action yesterday and embarked upon a food processing expedition. I cleaned all the dirt off (they keep much better if you leave the dirt on), removed the sprouty things (forgive my technical horticultural jargon), and most were converted into comfort food. The biggest ones were blanched and flash frozen to enjoy another time.

So yes my friends, in an effort to feed my Beautiful Girlfriend and my Me some comfort food, which I expounded upon in the first paragraph, I made a modified version of Mom’s Hot Dog Soup. Did you get any? No, you did not. We had some for dinner twice times now; and it was simply scrumptious. Do you want me to invite you over for some? I would be happy to invite you on the condition that you refuse to come. So there!! Ha ha!! I laugh to you. You must make your own, OK? Here’s how:

Mom’s Hot Dog Soup (modified version).

Note: this recipe makes a LOT of soup.

Ingredients

3 lbs. Potatoes

2 yellow onions (about 3 inches in diameter or a bit larger)

2 stalks of celery

2 carrots

8 hot dogs

2 tablespoons of parsley flakes

1 teaspoon of rubbed sage

1 teaspoon of thyme leaves

1 teaspoon rosemary

1 teaspoon garlic powder (granulated… please don’t use garlic dust)

1 tablespoon butter

1 cup milk (or for low-calorie, use half and half)

salt to taste

Here’s what must be done:

1 – Clean (but don’t peel) the potatoes, dice, throw into a large pot from at least 7 feet away (or closer if you want them in the pot).

& – Cover the potatoes with water and cook till tender; drain but save the broth.

T – Mash the potatoes with butter and milk (I used half and half instead of milk)

9 – Add broth back to desired thickness (a little bit thick is good). You can add more water if you like, but we like it thick.

G – Peel and dice the onions, thinly slice (but do not peel) the carrots, celery, and hot dogs (who peels celery or hot dogs anyway??), then wiggle your hiney a bit in anticipation.

12 – Toss the chopped up stuff into the pot using a 13 foot ramp positioned at a 60 degree angle (you may also simply drop them in). This can be done while singing your favorite Devo song.

Y6 – Simmer on medium / low heat (if it starts bubbling, back the heat off slightly) and stir often while adding sage, garlic, thyme (about a heaping teaspoon of each), rosemary, and LOTS of parsley flakes (about 2 tablespoons of dried) while stirring. Enjoy the aroma and wiggle your eyebrows in a happy and anticipatory manner.

M* – Cover while simmering.

8L – Hey!! Don’t leave this unattended!!! You wanna ruin it?? I mean, you gotta stir often, OK?? Just check it regularly please. Especially make sure your wooden spoon (or whatever your favorite stirring thingy is) scrapes the bottom of the pot while stirring so you don’t get any clingons.

Xs – Salt to taste. Dinner is ready when the carrots and celery are tender.

I must warn you about this food: although “Hot Dog Soup” sounds weird, this stuff is truly delicious and you may have difficulty leaving it alone. I suppose you could call it “Potato Soup With Hot Dogs,” but Mom called it Hot Dog Soup; so obviously that is the correct terminology. It was a simple yet nourishing meal she served to satiate us 4 kids. None of us ever complained when Hot Dog Soup was on the menu. She never taught me how to make it, but I think I got the basics down pretty good. She kept it simple though: I think all she used was potatoes, butter (well probably margarine), milk, hot dogs, onions, and some salt. Fast forward to the present: we’ve had it twice now, and I’m hoping my Lovely Bride will allow one more go around tomorrow. The rest will be frozen for another time. Holy MOLY it’s good!! But you wouldn’t know… you didn’t get any, did you? Nope!! Again I laugh to you.

So go ahead and make some! I double D Dare ya!!

Might want to pay attention to your veggies… especially at night.

Omicron OhNo

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Dunno about youse, but this boy is sick up and fed with the Covid awreddy. Is this crap ever gonna end? SHEESH!! It makes me to barf on the ground. Both me and my Honey Pie are fully vaccinated, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we won’t catch anything. I mean, hey, we just had a nice bout of bronchitis in our house. Thankfully it wasn’t Covid; but holy MOLY it knocked us in the dirt. Now our poor grandson does have Covid; so our scheduled visit for this weekend has been postponed (dang it!!). And I’ve been hearing more and more reports of friends who got the nasty Covid bug.

We don’t want no any omicron, thank you very much. Therefore, our “bubble” just shrank (again) to a very few people who we know are fully vaccinated and free of symptoms. Heavy on the free of symptoms; mind you. My Beautiful Girlfriend already has a lung disease, and we don’t want to know what omicron will do to us. Dr. Fauci was recently quoted as saying that “Omicron, with its extraordinary, unprecedented degree of efficiency of transmissibility, will ultimately find just about everybody.” Is that reassuring or what??

Nope!!

So here we go again. I’m truly grateful to be retired, because there have been numerous times when I picked up some icky microbe at work. We just need to focus on staying safe. Along with washing or sanitizing our hands, we’ve learned more about masks during the course of this pandemic, for example: a) cloth masks are often pretty but ineffective, 4) disposable surgical masks are not as good as we thought, and R) N95 masks are best but no fun to breathe through. We want to stay safe, though, so as of today we’ll be wearing N95 masks in public.

All this omicron stuff is beginning to wear on us, ya know?? Would be fun to go to a rock concert, but no… Would be fun to go to the movies, but no… Would be nice to eat in a restaurant with friends, but not right now. So we support out local restaurant with take out orders and bigger than normal tips. We support the movie makers by streaming their products online. There are lots of cool concerts available on YouTube and also on PBS in the form of Austin City Limits. And the best part of all this isolation is that my Lovely Bride and I are best friends; and we are OK spending a lot of time together. We also know how to venture off to a different part of the house for some space.

I keep trying to remember the saying, “This too shall pass.” Not sure when it’s gonna pass, but I hope it will eventually. Hey, maybe not! Maybe this is what many have called the “new normal.” I pray that is not the case, but if it is, well I’ll just have to roll with it.

In the meantime, I’ll keep reminding myself to go through my Gratitude List each and every day. It’s a very powerful tool that was offered to me by some friends many moons ago. Basically, when my head starts to hurt from all the rotten toe cheese people, places, or things in the world that try to yank my serenity out of my noggin; I recite at least 5 things for which I am grateful. Sometimes I say these out loud to friends or my Sweet Spouse Lady. Sometimes it’s as basic as, “Well I have a safe and warm place to sleep, plenty of food, cars that work, the love of a Beautiful Woman, and so far I still live in a free country.” Then I’ll point out that some folks live under a bridge, and some don’t even have the luxury of any shelter at all. When I focus on the good, life is good. But no omicron for me please.

Thank you.

Well here are some doctors I remember from my childhood. Warning: lots of slapstick!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbsoJ-zXvsE

It’s A Bird!! It’s A Plane!! It’s SOUPERMAN!!

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Before I forget, I’d like to thank our grandson for bestowing upon us a very big hacking bug. He and his younger brother came to spend the weekend with us on December 21. He had a nice cough at that time, but we just figured it was one of those nice colds that kids get from their schoolmates. Shortly after he arrived, we began to feel a little funny. You know, like a cold was trying to invade our bodies. We broke out the zinc lozenges and the probiotic fizzy stuff but alas, within a week the bug not only took root, but evolved into some very nasty bronchitis, which we are still fighting.

My Beautiful Girlfriend was due for a Covid test on December 26, to prepare for an upcoming procedure she had scheduled. When the lady at the desk heard about our hacking and barooping, she sent my Lovely Bride back to the car. Both of us needed a Covid test. Thankfully we were both negative; and yes, we’ve both been vaccinated and boosted. But the barking cough; stubbed ub dozes (clogged snotlockers), and yukka pitoo continued on. She was prescribed antibiotics, some prednizone, and some cough suppressant gel caps. I was prescribed Flonase (which I still like to jokingly pronounce Flay-nose). And of course, the usual recommendations of fluids and rest.

Some of our fluid intake has been herbal tea. Sometimes orange juice (pronounced AH-rinj juice) (I’m from Noo Yawk) (I can’t help it, it still comes out) (OK!! Enough with the parentheses awreddy!!). Otherwise, one of the best remedies for a nasty bug like this is: SOUP. And that’s what we’ve been eating. For dinner: soup. For lunch: soup. Sometimes for breakfast!! SOUP!! Some of it starts as canned soup. Other times I start from scratch. To either I add goodies like garlic (from the garden), rosemary (also from the garden), parsley (yep I grew that too), thyme, onion, maybe some sage. Oh and again from the garden: carrots and most recently the last of the Brussels sprouts.

In years past, this combination of veggies and herbs would kick the nasty affliction’s hiney in a few days. This bug, however proved to be particularly persistent. So back we went to the doctor; and she said to continue what we were doing; and unless there’s a fever there’s nothing more they could do. She did, however, recommend Basque garlic soup. I mentioned I’ve already used some garlic, but she urged us to give this Basque (a region in Spain) type of soup a try.

So home again, home again, jiggety jig; to search for a recipe of soup we could swig.

There were several Basque garlic soup variations on the interwebs; but they all had one important commonality: the recipe used about twice as much garlic as I was using. Mind you, I’m not bashful with garlic when I make my famous “Kenny’s Cold Killin’ Soup.” Never hear of my famous soup? Well it’s mostly famous at my house. Anyway… all the recipes called for an entire bulb of garlic. 8 to 10 cloves!! That would be OK with store-bought garlic I suppose, but the Purple Italian garlic I grow gets really big. I limited my garlic to 5 cloves; which is still probably more than what’s found in store-bought garlic.

I’ve been relying on garlic for many years to smack cold bugs in the bazooky. But during my search for Basque garlic soup, I also wanted a refresher course of garlic’s medicinal properties. Lo and behold, I ran across a study from Penn State University. The study states that allicin, which is a powerful medicinal component of garlic, is activated by chopping or crushing the garlic and allowing it to sit in the open air for 10 minutes.

I never knew!!

I learned something!! Gave me a flashback of when I asked the politically incorrect question of “Hey Ma, how old are you?” She’d reply, “Old enough to know better, young enough to learn, but you’re too dumb to teach me.” This quip was always followed with a twinkle in her eye and a chuckle. I would never tell anyone they’re “too dumb to teach me;” but I’m grateful that I’m “old enough to know better” but young enough to learn. Hopefully I will always remain teachable. Meanwhile; although we’re on the mend; we’ll continue with the herbal teas; OJ (AH-rinj juice); and yes, I’ll be making soup, soup, and more soup.

Perhaps I’ll change my name to… Souperman!!

Time’s Fun..

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My friend Duane had a way with words. When talking about how quickly the years fly past us, he often said, “well you know what frogs say: time’s fun when you’re having flies!” Boy ain’t that the truth. Now that I’m an old fart, I can mention stuff like that to new parents.. “You know, now that you’re a Mom, your life will flash before your eyes. She’s 7 weeks old now, but the day after tomorrow she’ll be asking for the car keys.” I’m pretty sure that anyone who has ever had kids can relate. They grow up almost instantly; or so it seems.

So here we have 2022 on the horizon. Sheesh!! Seems like just last month The Beatles were arriving in the US on the Mayflower!! And they were on TV in glorious black and white!! No cell phones, no personal computers, just crazy stuff like record players and radios!! HOW DID WE EVER SURVIVE??

We did pretty well really. By today’s standards, life seemed much simpler. Communication was much different; because people actually listened to each other rather than texting and talking at the same time. If someone texted while driving in those days, it meant they were writing something while at the wheel. Just as bad an idea as today’s cell phone texting really. Probably even worse! If you crashed, besides all the other owies you could end up with a pencil stuffed way up inside your nostrils!! Anyway, in spite of all the changes in technology; things haven’t really changed much. We just hear about it all much more quickly.

Oh!!  And there were these things called science and facts.   People knew the difference between truth and lies.  And when scientists and doctors warned us about stuff in the interest of our safety; we believed what they said.  We trusted them to give us the real deal; because we knew they really cared about us.

Anyway, rather than bore you with too much “then vs. now” nostalgia or crying about all the woes of the world, I’d like to throw out my newly printed, fresh off the press New Year’s Revolutions that I may or may not try to practice during the upcoming year.  So here they are, and I would strongly encourage all of you to examine these carefully and then run away laughing (or screaming, depending on your mood):

1) Since food is my current drug of choice, I resolve to go to the store and buy it. Well OK, I’ll go to the farmers market a few times too… Oh, and I still have some carrots and German Smooth Kale (fancy talk for wild cabbage) out in the garden; those should be pretty yummy. I’m just gonna eat, OK?

T) This is the year I’m gonna try something different!! I just don’t know what it is yet.

1a) Remember that food thing I was talking about? I really like food. I was wondering if you’d please sign me up for the Pizza of the Week Club.  As a gift, you know… where they bring you fantastic brick oven baked pizza every week.  What??  Nobody does that??

FINE!!  Let’s move on…

9) Do you remember that one time when we said we were gonna do that one really cool thing? Boy that was a great time, wasn’t it? You remember?? Um… neither do I.

Blue) I really need to quit wearing my undies on my head in public.

&) When the robins come back, I will welcome them nicely rather than telling them tasteless jokes like last year.

0#) Did you ever find the term “jelly beans” amusing? Me neither. But I’m determined to discover just where they come from. My experiment for this year’s garden: cross pollinate pole beans with a few jars of strawberry preserves. I’ll keep you informed.

And least but not less:  Here’s a real one.  I’ve already started this really…

pX) I’m going to spend less time on social media (like BookFace) and more time facing actual people in real live social ways while living my life in a state of electronicless bliss.  At least some of the time.  Don’t get me wrong, I love checking in on my friends’ posts on the interwebs.  Unfortunately, however, some folks that I have known and loved are hell bent on embracing conspiracy theories and ignoring truth and science.  Because I love them, I will not “unfriend” them.  Rather, I employ a mental health technique and “unfollow” them.  This allows only friendly vibes to appear on my BookFace feed.  But hey, too much is too much.  I’m pretty good at the too muchness; so less much I think is much better for me than too much muchness.  I’ve encountered folks who think they told me about something and I didn’t hear it; and then they harrumph a little and say, “I messaged you about it on BookFace!!”  Well that makes me feel kinda sad… for them!  Sorry kids, but I’m not gonna allow social media to run my universe.

Just sayin’…

Well I could go on and on, but I’d better stop there I think. Hope you all had a Merry Christmas, and that you have a very Happy New Year. If that greeting is too politically incorrect for you, please just have a Happy Merry and a Joyful Wonderful.

Peace, Love, and Jelly Beans to all, and to all a good night.  And speaking of social media… here’s a little thingy that you can give a loved one who spends too much time with their eyeballs glued to a screen.

One More “Christmas:” A Final Ha-Ha-Holiday Letter For YOU

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Dear Burgerbakers,

It seems like there was a ferocious calcification during much of December, and then there were holidays. They are looming large on the horizon now, but I certainly hope all of you will enjoy the holidays as much as we will. I’ll spend many hours licking the Christmas tree. Often our family will reinvent clothing while sleeping in the snowy ditch that does not even come close to our driveway. Our sump pump drains in there. Every time I would begin to dream of krumkaka, water would bloosh its way into my hair and nostril regions. Needless to say, I have developed a twervous nitch what haves defected my typinggn.

A flock of camels came to our garage and we asked them politely. To stop eating my tools, someone had to go up on the roof and yell with a ferocious growl. No, I didn’t. Mess up that sentence! Mess it up I tell you!! Do you think that just because Santa brought you the brand new macaroni flusher that you have the indecent formula for pie with no armpits? Well I’m here to tell you, that type of attitude will get you into concerts for free.

Actually, the Maine reason I am writing to you is because all of you are who you are, and I am not who you are. This is very good for me, as I am already plenty confused without trying to learn to navigate in all of your houses. Especially when the lights are off and the dog is eating the cat food and hey you please get out of the litter box oh gack you’re eating those stupid cat Tootsie Rolls again.

Oh wait.

That’s what used to happen at my house!!

Oh those were the days when Musky Da Husky’s appetite was not quite satisfied. He’d come out of the utility room, licking his chops. Then I look into his beautiful brown eyes and he looks back as if to say, “What??” At this time I’m pretty sure he’s been having hors d’ouvres from the kitty box. Then, he’ll turn around very nonchalantly and go right back in there, at which time I say very vigorously, “Git outta the poopie box you stupid dog!! NO!!! NO KISSING ME!!! arrrrgggghhhh  Get away with the kaka breath awreddy!! Oh, and ummm… you have litter particles on your nose. Ha ha, I laugh to you!!”  He eventually quit enjoying cat logs; and we miss him terribly.

OK. For real now, I really am truly writing to all of you out there because each and everyone of you are special, and that’s very special to me. So I’m especially writing to wish you all A Happy Merry And Joyful Wonderful; and please don’t leave my mud custard in the basket of fried onion seeds.

I’m very much allowed to write all this because we have get to have more than one “Christmas” to celebrate with twinkling earlobes this year.  After all the sell abrasives, we can use the chainsaw to fizzle the brand new naturally flavored artificial Christmas tree with Liberty and Justice for All.

But none of this is your fault. If it was, I would feel no need to reprimand you for that silly incident with the very loud flatulence last Tuesday in the grocery store.

So as you can see, I’m in real need of pickled herring resistance. Please send lots of money and an oversized piece of rare cheese to:

Amblenern Frammizackton
45U7 Odor Oh No
Gibbik, Larbonia 29&z1

Thanks, and may all your tweezers function properly.

Gibble Dee Boo,

Ken Arbelgarben
a.k.a. Mr. Toast-On-A-Stick

P.S.:  Peace, Love, and Hugs to You ALL!!

And now for one of our very favorite cartoons for this time of year.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOIkxCh0y0U

My Christmas Tradition – Presents and Procrastination

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Here we go again. Another year almost to an end, another Christmas time almost upon us. And every year friends ask that same question again and again, “you ready for Christmas??” When I ask this of my friends, some say “oh yeah!!” To those lovely stinker heads I jokingly say, “Oh FINE!!” Then they ask me if I’m ready, and I snort, “HECK no!!” Well, OK, maybe I use a stronger term than HECK, but this is a family-type column so all my 4-letter naughty bits will be kept away from the keyboard, thank you very much.

I am spoiled rotten by my Beautiful Girlfriend; she gets most of the stuff for our kids and the grandkids. For the most part, all I have to worry about is stuff for her. Sure, I get a few stocking stuffers for the kids… kippered herring and jerky for the big kids, candy and goodies for the little kids. I was smart enough to get my wife’s “big” present some time ago… all I have to do now is remember where I stashed it. Then I also got her this cool book she asked for… I think I know where that is…

Being the excellent procrastinator that I am, though, I normally wait to find the “little stuff” with my last paycheck (which is now Social Security) before Christmas. This year is no exception. This weekend I’ll be dashing about the store at a very fast pace; maybe looking for fancy foo-foo juice (my Dad’s term for cologne) for my Lovely Wife Person and maybe some earrings or some of those snap-on Groucho Marx eyebrows or how about a gold plated lint brush with matching shoulder reflectors oh and WOW there’s one of those cool hand-crank radio/flashlight/tire pump/grease gun combination things oh wait she won’t want that but she might like these yellow socks but hey who am I kidding I can’t buy her any clothes Holy Cow there’s that CD she’s been looking for but oh FOOEY the case is cracked oh what the heck maybe a few bags of peanut M&Ms and some fluffy stuffed frogs I just don’t know OK to heck with it here we go I’ll just get the foo-foo juice and WHADDYA MEAN IT’S $150 PER MILLILITER?? OY YOY YOY!! NEVERMIND AWREDDY!!

On the other hand, you have all the baking. Yes Virginia, I really do bake around this time of year and of course I haven’t started any of that monkey business yet neither. It seems like it was November just a few days ago!! And yes, I am fully aware that frogs always say “time’s fun when you’re having flies;” but that doesn’t help me right now does it?? HmmMMM?

Breathe… breathe…

OK. I’m not gonna stress out about all this. Just gonna do the best I can and probably stay up way too late wrapping all the stuff I got. But that’s all my fault. All I need to do is quit procrastinating.

I’ll do that either next year or the year after that.

Please enjoy the Spirit of the season, which has absolutely nothing to do with all the gifts and face stuffing. Rather, as you all know, it has to do with peace and love. So I hope all of you enjoy your Holidays, as I’m pretty sure we will.

In the meantime, I’d like to invite you to watch “A Christmas Carol,” that was made in 1951 and starred Alistair Sim. I found the black and white version on YouTube… it’s in mono so don’t worry that only one of your speakers is working (hey, can’t beat the price!).  There are many film versions of this story, but this one has always been my favorite. Every time I watch it I get all gooshy; because I can really relate to the main character.   Although I’m not proud to admit it, there was a time when I was badly afflicted with Mr. Know-It-All disease, and I was all too angry and selfish all too often. Took some emotional and spiritual pain, then time and hard work to grow out of this dark time in my life; but I’m very grateful to say that my “Mr. Jerk Face Know It All” days are long past. I’m grateful especially to The People Upstairs and all Their Messengers who showed me the way.

Well back to the film:  my very favorite part is near the end when Scrooge realizes he has a second chance at life (at 1 hour and 8 minutes into the film if you don’t want to watch the whole thing).  Makes my cry (for happy) like a baby every time.  And I thank the makers of this film for giving me a mantra I repeat somewhat regularly:  “I don’t know anything. I never did know anything.  But now I know I don’t know anything!”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oji7xFev7oc

My Toes Are Curling!!

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This getting old stuff is not for cowards. My Beautiful Girlfriend and I have so far enjoyed 67 trips around the Sun, which is pretty cool really. But we’ve noticed that as we grow older, our bodies continue to undergo some “interesting” changes. We often joke about these changes, which when lumped all together aren’t really all that funny. But hey, ya gotta laugh, right?

One of my “favorite” anecdotes about aging involves what I’ll abbreviate here as the “B.H.C.,” which stands for the Brain/Hiney Connection. I’ve joked to friends and relatives alike about it. When the conversation drifts toward the “joys” of growing older; I’ve been known to say, “I’m pretty sure my brain and my butt are connected somehow.” Then I get a few giggles and silly looks, and I go on to explain, “When I go into a room, I can’t remember why the HECK I went there. Then I go sit down, and AHA!! I remember now!!” The silly looks turn into more giggles, accompanied by, “I can relate!!”

On a more physical note, we’ve found we’re becoming increasingly thin-skinned. No, I don’t mean our feelings are hurt easily. Nope. But brush against a hard object with your arm and guess what? A booboo!! And not just a little scratch neither. What used to be a small encounter with an immovable object will now draw blood in one fell swoop. Just last weekend I went to the basement for an armful of firewood; and this light switch that’s mounted on the concrete wall jumped out at me and bit my arm in a very brash manner. Even though I wasn’t happy about the encounter, I said “Excuse me,” and continued on to the wood pile. The really cool part: I hardly noticed the owie. I mean I felt it, but shrugged it off because I didn’t think there was any damage. Then I go back upstairs and notice this dime-sized gouge in my arm that wants to bleed pretty nicely. Time to reach for the triple antibiotic ointment and Band-Aids!

Getting up off the couch has become a symphony of groans and the old Kellogg’s refrain of “Snap! Crackle! Pop!” Joints get “stuck” when trying to reach for an object. A little wiggling sets the joints free… so far (hopefully that will continue). And then there’s the change in position of various body parts. “My toes are curling!” my Lovely Bride exclaimed today while we were lounging with our feet up. “And they’re spreading apart!!” “They look OK to me,” I replied. “Well you don’t have to live with them!!” she retorted. “I dunno Honey, I’ve been living with your toes for a long time now.” I snickered.

We both had a nice laugh.

And why is it that hair grows better out of my nose, ears and eyebrows than off the top of me head?? I think maybe I could start a new senior fashion trend by letting my eyebrows grow long and just comb them back for more hair on top. And perhaps the nostril hair is an invitation for beneficial insects to have free lodging. Am I hearing more poorly because of all the hair in my ears?? And why is there less hair on the noggin and more hair on the belly and chest?? A rather strange phenomenon, don’t you think?? I think I’ll call it “FM” – Follicular Migration. Yes, I’m beginning to think those mischievous little hair follicles are in a plot to give me an increasingly shiny scalp; and they band together and do little parades from my head bone to other parts of my body. The scalp gets balder and the belly and chest get little fuzz forests that were never there before.

This aging stuff!! These are all terrible things to happen to gentle people like us!!

In spite of all the weird changes, we continue to enjoy more trips around the sun. Each birthday is, of course, a bigger number and leaves us a bit awestruck for a bit; but overall we are very grateful. Of course we have some health challenges in our house, but we often give thanks that we are very blessed. We are basically in pretty good shape. And believe me, our prayers go out to those who face greater health challenges than we do.

So if you’re still a kid (under 50) and reading this, get ready for a really interesting ride!! We’ll be rooting for ya!! When we’re not laughing, I mean.

Well when I grow up, I wanna be like Grampy!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TsEBb4eJOqU