Happy Valentine’s Day To My Best Friend

With the coming of Valentine’s Day this Wednesday, I can’t help but reflect on the love I have been so fortunate to enjoy. This year brings a couple pretty big milestones for my Beautiful Girlfriend and me: a) the 46th anniversary of our first official date, and 9) 2018 also brings our 45th year of being hitched. What does that have to do with Valentine’s Day?

EVERYTHING.

It’s like this you see: I became very VERY good friends with a lovely young lady when we were both 17. Then she officially became my Beautiful Girlfriend when we embarked on our first official date: May 19, 1972. Fortunately for me, she allowed me to marry her after we were completely mature enough (ya, right) to handle it at the ripe old age of 19. In spite of much adversity and weeping and gnashing of teeth, we showed up all the naysayers (well, OK, my Dad) and our marriage survived the storm. Actually, once we learned how to grow up a bit, our marriage has truly flourished over the past 28 years.

We got two beautiful children out of the deal. In spite of a few bumps in the road for each of us (at one time or another), we all love each other to pieces and are happy most of the time. We have magnificent relationships with our offspring… I know this may sound crazy but I think they actually even like us!! We are very grateful for it.

What can I say? I’m a complete mush ball; and I’m old school. I open doors for my Lovely Lady. And I’m one of those weirdos who believe marriage is for life. Yes, I know there are exceptions; but some couples give up way too easily. It takes some effort to live harmoniously with a person. Fortunately for us, after all the marital ups and downs; we’ve gotten pretty darn good at treating each other as if we were best friends (because we are).

Is this too mooshy for you? Well if so, too darn bad. It is my professional opinion that with all the garbage you hear on the news, we need to focus on what’s GOOD in our lives. So I’m doing that right now.

That being said, in the spirit of Valentine’s Day I’d like to share some of the things I have said to my Amazing Lovely Girlfriend over the years. We love to laugh, so some of the things we’ve proclaimed over the years may cause the innocent bystander to wonder a bit. Do not be afraid… we are NOT crazy. If you don’t believe us just ask us some time… Anyway, here are some of the things I’ve said (and continue to say) to my Honey Pie on a pretty regular basis:

“I love you, how to say I don’t know what. I love you like a squirrel loves a nut.”
(My Lovely Bride’s reply to this: “I love you like the ice cream on the mountain top.”)

“Thank you for being my friend and letting me kiss you.”

“You are a beautiful young woman.”

“Did I tell you today I’m in love with you??”

“Come here and make with the kissing.”

“Your curves have always been just fine for me!!” (That one was awhile back when she announced she’d be starting a membership at Curves.)

“Thank you for making dinner!”

“Give to me the hug…”

Well you get the idea. But seriously folks, I really do say these things. And I really do compliment my Sweet Wife regularly on how beautiful she is. My professional opinion is that all women are beautiful, but none will ever be as beautiful as my Lovely Girlfriend / Honey Pie / Wife Person Lady.

It is simply not possible.

Therefore I hereby proclaim this to be the epitome of truth: 1) My Amazing Wife is THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE UNIVERSE, and R) all the other women in the universe are the second most beautiful.

So there.

Now… regarding compliments and such: I’d also like to make up a few other things I haven’t said yet. And guys (or even girls), feel free to steal these if the spirit moves you:

“Your lips are like redwood trees sleeping in a volcano.”

“You have such beautiful eyes… they remind me of a velvet traffic light.”

“I bet you can’t wait to kiss me to see what I just had for lunch!”

“What color would you like your mashed potatoes to be tonight?”

“Please allow me to honor you with the Electric Mixer Dance!”
(That would just be dancing around with an electric mixer in my hand.)
(Plugged in of course.)
(Running on HIGH.)

OK, maybe I won’t really say those things.

However, I have been known to sing to her; and here are some of my favorite singing songings:

Somebody’s Rich And It Ain’t Me

My Beautiful Girlfriend has a Bucket List that waxes and wanes as the years pass. We love going to concerts; for example. I have my list of “wanna-sees” and she has hers. Both of us like James Taylor, but I was content with the fact that we had some of his music on CDs and even vinyl. However, our last splurge was The Who, and whenever we leave from a fantastic show (and oh my, The Who was a fantastic show) we talk about all the artists we’ve seen. Of course, what immediately follows is an enumeration of the artists we haven’t seen yet.

James Taylor was recently added to my Lovely Honey Pie’s Bucket List. When the opportunity to get tickets arose; I signed up for the presale. Then the moment of truth arrived and I stationed myself at the computer and tried and tried and tried some more to get tickets. After some perseverance, I was able to get two very nicely placed seats for a reasonable price.

The latest addition to the Bucket List was a very different story. The radio and TV started buzzing about with ads for an upcoming “Farewell Yellow Brick Road” tour by Sir Elton John. Lots of news broadcasts got in on the act as well, since it’s been touted as his very last tour ever. Several famous artists have had several last tours; but Sir Elton isn’t getting any younger and he is rightfully interested in being a Dad to his young kids before it’s too late.

Anyway, I tried to sign up for the presale but no dice. Missed the boat by a day I guess. Then I tried and tried and tried and tried some more (also I made many attempts); but kept getting “no tickets found” or “an error occurred.” Then, after the presale time came and went, tickets started to appear at a couple nearby venues. Yeah… the cheapest was $300. For one lousy ticket!!! These tickets were labeled “verified Ticketmaster resale.” Hmmmm… I called my Amazing Wife Lady and said, “um… I don’t think we’re going to see Elton John.” When I told her the prices she readily agreed.

Apparently, Elton John is much more popular than James Taylor.

I’ve read about this phenomenon. There are less than scrupulous folks who’ve written computer programs that enable them to snatch up gobs of tickets; then scalp people by gouging them for ridiculous prices.

Tonight we watched the news… some kind of football game happening this weekend in Minneapolis I guess. What? Yes, I know it’s the Super Bowl, silly. But I honestly didn’t know until this morning who was playing on Sunday. Can you tell I don’t give a flying mahookey about sports? Anyway, the news folks were talking about all the hoopla going on over there in Minnesota; and they mentioned that the cheapest tickets were going for $3000!!! Is that nuts or what??

Well I found out who’s playing anyway… and all I can say about that is: GO EAGLES!! Yes, even though I have no idea who the players are, I don’t live in a cave. The Patriots have had their turns, so it’s the underdog’s time to shine. Or not.

I don’t care much. All I know is, some people appear to have way more money than me. However, even though I’m not rich, I’m definitely blessed beyond measure. I have a nice warm home, plenty to eat, cars that work and no debt. And that’s a very abbreviated list of things for which I am truly grateful.

What more can a guy need?

Well, I think I need to post some videos about money!!  (Ha ha, I make joking.)  (No, wait, not joking…)

An Open Letter to Mr. or Ms. TextNeck

Dear ScreenStarers,

I was watching a story on the radio today while listening to the interwebs about internet addiction behavior that is characterized by people tilting their heads to gawk at their smartphones when they really should be interacting with their friends or family; especially during dinner or perhaps in the middle of a friendly outing that implies personal contact but instead of talking and giving loved ones eyeball contact, these smartphone addicts are constantly checking BookFace or Twizzler or perhaps Funny Macaroni and Cheese videos while being stuck in a run-on sentence that really needs to end now.

A real physical ailment has arisen from smartphone addiction: text neck (<–there’s a link for you if you’re curious). It’s just another one of those whoopee, hibbledyboo happy times from too much technology in your soup toaster. If any of you have read my silly bagga-maroo on this crazy blog thing for more than two seebits, you are probably aware that although I work with computers; I pride myself in being something of a technical dinosaur… at least at home. That’s right kids, I still have a record player, VCR, CD / DVD player, I listen to AM radio (on a real radio…).  Although we do have an internet provider it’s pretty slow (but cheap).  And yes, boys and girls, we still get most of our television worm sauce from a weird fixture perched upon our roof, and it’s called an antenna. Cable simply costs too much and prevents me from having enough extra cash for important staples like pork rinds and Cabbage Cola.

So for this Happy Friday!!!, I decided to give some of my best bread particles a chance to sing louder than most jelly beans are able. In other words, if you invite me for ketchup and lavender; I will keep my phone’s ringer off and leave it in my pocket. Not just the ringer, but the whole stinking phone! Yes, and instead of staring at a screen while we are together, I will stare at those moles you keep hiding in your eyebrows. But don’t worry, I will smile politely while I wince occasionally.

My true indispensable moose hammer will not never need to be cleaned while we are talking neither, no. After all, once you’ve used a moose hammer to open a can of Jack Fluffington’s Floor Syrup; you’ll spend much more time cleaning your walls than clearing your moose nostrils. Upon opening the can, everyone within range will cringe and snort loudly as the syrup droplets coat their eyelids with a nice shiny glucose surprise.

I’m sure we can all find something better to do than check how many “likes” we have on the BookFace or the InstaTwit. Ha, ha ha… I’m having a fond memory of the time we all threw raisins on the floor at the mall, and Snippy and his girlfriend Euglena started walking on tiptoes and shouting, “arrggghhhh!!! Rabbits have been here!!!” Yes, that was just before we filled all those water balloons with tomato juice and… oh my never mind about that time. GACK. Perhaps you could help me finish my 17 year old project: the Lego garage!! It’s getting expensive, but once we finish it we’ll never need to paint the walls. Who knew it took so many Legos to make a building??

OK. In closing, I’m hoping some of you could maybe put the phartsmones away and just tawk ta people awreddy. Ya know what I’m sayin’? There are people very near you who deserve your undivided attention. Oh and here’s a weird eye-deer… if we are watching something other than a small screen, we might see stuff like birds and a very nice sunset or something!! Would that be cool or what?

I go now.

Peace, Love, and Straighter Necks,

Hyram C. Gilmore

a.k.a. MooseHammer McFluffington

Oh… speaking of obsession…

The Kiss Of Death

There are some nasty bugs going around these days. People are dying from the flu for cryin’ out loud! Well my Beautiful Girlfriend and I have been getting our flu shots for several years now, and so far so good, I think. However, the flu shot doesn’t catch everything, so once in awhile something seems to slip past the radar.

Take last Wednesday, for example. There I was minding my own business, being unsick and feeling pretty good when my Beautiful Girlfriend started to come down with something nasty. Coughing, feeling run down, coughing, muscle and joint pain from head to toe, fever, chills, loss of appetite, and oh did I mention the coughing?? Yes, much coughing.

Being the loving husband I am, I gave her a kiss on the lips just before bed that night. WHAT WAS I THINKING?? OK, I know what I was thinking… I was thinking it’s time for bed and therefore I kiss my Honey Pie before retiring. Pretty normal for a happily married man to think, right? Well if any of you are in the medical profession, you know that kissing someone on the lips is not exactly “sterile procedure.” And even if you’re not, you probably know enough not to kiss a sickie on the lips.

But I did.

And almost immediately afterward, I thought to myself, “uh-oh.”

Well my Lovely Lady had some sort of nasty virus. And by kissing her I pretty much volunteered for what came next. Yep, a mere two days later I started feeling like crap. Both of us were in bed for several days, and at one point I asked her if I should call Hospice. I was of course making a “sick joke” (get it, sick… joke) but very quickly after the words came out of my mouth I thought of loved ones whom I’ve accompanied during their Hospice journeys and it wasn’t so funny any more.

After a few days we went to the doctor, and she gave my Lovely Lady a flu test. Negative for influenza. Well that was good! So of course we asked, “what is it then?” “Some other nasty virus,” she said. “Go home, get some rest, drink plenty of fluids, and call if it keeps getting worse.” Sheesh! We were hoping for some sort of magic wand or something in the form of a medication or maybe a spell to drive evil spirits away. Back home we went, and I made yet another pot of soup with herbs and homegrown garlic in a vain attempt at killing whatever this damn bug was.

I’m getting better… slowly. She is too, but my Poor Baby is still coughing very hard. Oh, and my skin is starting to sprout little TV antennas every couple inches and both my big toes have flattened out to the size of ping pong paddles. Other than that and the glow-in-the-dark snot blobs that fly out of my nose when I sneeze, I’m doing fine.

Well in case you haven’t been sick yet, here are some instructions on how to catch a cold…

My (Late) 2018 New Year’s Revolutions

Please allow me to greet your face and hands with a very Happy 2018; and may all your wishes be sold to Smoked Fish Merchants (S.F.M.) in trade for Used Flip Flops (U.F.F.) while numerous soft yet Bristly Sock Monsters (B.S.M.) chew rapidly during the Great Raisin Gathering (G.R.G.) at the 134th annual Anonymous Snack Snarfers Hand Or Leg Egg Slappers (A.S.S.H.O… wait a minute!! No no… not gonna do that) chamber pot tossing competition.

So here I am, following my 1st annual run-on sentence with a (late) report what my New Year’s Revolutions for 2018 very well might be. I’m reporting these revolutions in a tardy manner because I simply had to pay tribute to Dick Orkin, the creator of “Chickenman” who passed away last week. And also, in addition, I say to you that these “might be,” my New Year’s Revolutions because I am unreasonably certain that I’m not likely to dig up enough used crayons to change the climate in St. Petersburg, Florida.

My really true and uncrompulated New Year’s Revolution has actually been the same every year for the last couple decades: Try to do better. But if I were to make new revolutions, they “might” go something like this:

A. I hereby resolve not to ever use superfluous exclamation points!! I mean, hey, that’s the least a person can do!!! Think about it!!!! So many people emphasize way too much with exclamation points!!!!! This rather diminishes the effect of using any exclamation points at all!!!!!! Don’t you think so?!?!?!?!?!?

U. My 14th resolution is to avoid using imaginary words that only I can infliborize. Sure, I sometimes use nonsense words for the sheer bagnaffley horkle tones of the contersneffeck. I probably amuse myself more than others with this style of vasherbinking, so perhaps I will cease and desist with the silly words awreddy.

$. Procrastination has always been a lingering hobby of my cat and other members of my corn field. Therefore, I herewith intend to stop procrastinating either today or tomorrow. Perhaps I’ll keep putting off the procrastination until I can’t avoid procrastinating any longer. Or maybe I could delegate my efforts to someone who can postpone them indefinitely. I’m not exactly sure. If one of you has any suggestions, please e-mail them to my garage and I’ll try to read them one of these days.

X12. Have you seen my new socks?? You know, the ones with the fancy frog nostril prints all over them. They really keep my toes happy.

M6. Please erase resolution “U.” above. I do apologize (no, really I don’t), but I am very fond of writing various ibblesnick tenterdoodles. My professional opinion is that with all the horrible things in our past and present world, a little silliness can be a very good stress relief cabbagehamper.

And finally:

O!2!: I plan to do my best to spread Peace, Love, and Hugs to everyone in the Universe. Of course, some people don’t want hugs. That’s OK, I will Love them anyway. And some people don’t want Love, but I will Pray for them whether they like it or not. And some people don’t even want Peace, and I will Pray for them even more. Now don’t get me wrong… even though the People Upstairs tell me I must Love EVERYONE, doesn’t mean I’m gonna like everyone. So I will beam Prayers of Love and Peace to the people who insist on being nasty; but it ain’t too likely I’ll be inviting them for dinner anytime soon.

Alrighty then. That’s what came out of my brain today for the Happy Friday!!! New Year’s Revolution thing. If you have made any, please don’t bonk yourselves or call yourselves bad names for coming up short.

All we can do is try.

Now let’s all scream our lungs out while we sing along with these “revolutionary” guys.

Farewell to Chickenman

I’m going to spend a little time shamelessly showing my age in this week’s edition of “Happy Friday!!!” I’m not afraid to admit it, I’m a Baby Boomer… born in 1954 and very OK with it. Growing up was a challenge at times, and in times of stress I turned to the entertainment media of the time which were TV (in glorious black and white) and of course AM radio. And yes, kids, AM radio is still alive and well; although the programming certainly has changed over the years.

TV was OK… it did provide a valuable escape from reality during childhood. When I look back on it, the words of the Talking Heads song, “Love For Sale” (<–click here) come to mind: “I was born in a house with the television always on…”

But when it came to real escape, for me anyway, AM radio was at the top of the heap. That’s because all the cool music of the day was being blasted to the masses all over the radio dial. Growing up on Long Island, New York gave us 24 / 7 access to stations like 77 WABC and 1010 WINS, which featured Disk Jockeys with names like Cousin Brucie and Murray the K.

However, a traumatic event happened to us kids in 1966. Our father took a job in northern Wisconsin. Not only were we experiencing a huge culture shock; but our music was GONE!! Well, OK it was still there, but we couldn’t get to it.  We had no money for records; and even if we got our mitts on a record, Dad’s stereo was strictly off limits to us kids.  So, the radio was our gateway to the musical universe; and the only AM stations available in the daytime played twang-twang country music or polkas.

Gack!!

There was hope… the ionosphere came to our rescue when the sun went down. “Huh??” you might say. Let me explain: the sun’s radiation energizes various upper layers of the atmosphere; and certain radio waves bounce off these ionized layers and are directed back to earth. It’s a phenomenon known as “skip;” and is somewhat reminiscent of a stone skipping on water. Anyway, after the sun went down, AM radio signals from Chicago would come in really well and voila!! our music returned to us.

Now we were listening to our rock ‘n roll primarily on WLS and WCFL, with DJs like Larry Lujack and Dick Biondi. Both stations were great, but WCFL brought us something extra: “Chickenman!!! He’s everywhere he’s everywhere!!!” Now if you remember that, you’re at least as old as I am. And if you’re as old as I am, I really hope you remember Chickenman.

Sadly, Dick Orkin, the creator of Chickenman, passed to the Great Beyond last Sunday; he was 84. An amazingly talented man, he also created “The Secret Adventures of the Tooth Fairy;” and went on to create wonderfully funny radio commercials. In honor of his awesome humor, I’d like to share of his work I found on YouTube.

So kids, for this week’s “video” I inserted a couple of fun entries:  someone created some animation to accompany an entry called “Chickenman, Episode 1.”  Each radio episode of Chickenman had the began with the shouting of “Chickenman… he’s everywhere!!!  He’s everywhere!!”

The video is followed by the album “The Best of Chickenman.” I hope you can sit back, relax, and let your ears drink the intoxicating humor that only Chickenman could offer.

Happy 45 To Us, Happy Many More To YOU

When I got home today, my Beautiful Girlfriend had the stereo blasting Celine Dion singing “Another Year Has Gone By,” (← click to hear it). She always wants me to dance with her to that song; and since I really like being married to her, I quickly got out of my coat and embraced her as we shuffled about in the kitchen and both became completely mooshy.

As we danced, she blurted out, “45 Christmases… what the F*@# ?!?! “ And in case you’re wondering, yes, there was a very naughty expletive at the end of that exclamation. She wasn’t saying it out of exasperation or annoyance; she was merely letting loose her amazement at the fact that we’ve had 45 Christmases together. So many years, but it all went so very quickly!! There may be some of you out there in blog reading land that can relate; but for you youngsters…

Anyway, I’m writing this to wish that all of YOU a very Happy Holiday Season. I truly hope you are all blessed; I’m very sure that I am. As I was telling a friend recently, “I’m not rich, but I’ve been wealthy for many years.” In other words, for whatever reason I’ve been given the opportunity to become happy, joyous, and free. Took some years of growing pains to get there; but oh my goodness it has certainly been worth it.

Of course, I still know how to get my buns in a bunch when things don’t go exactly the way I would like. Lost my cool just yesterday actually; because I just got home from a business trip that “took 3 days from my chores schedule.” We heat with wood you see, and that means I move several loads from outside to inside to keep a constant supply of dry logs available. There was a winter weather advisory yesterday, and although we needed to do some last minute Holiday grocery shopping, I was freaking out about beating the weather. My poor Amazing Wife was very patient with me and my childishness… I was grumpy and hurrying to get home so I could throw some firewood into the basement before the rain or snow arrived. As it turned out, all my rushing was for naught; the Weather Goddess smiled on me. Thankfully I’ve learned to apologize for being a knuckle head much more quickly (and sincerely) than in the “good old days.” And yes, I meant “good old days” sarcastically.

My Lovely Bride and I have been soulmates since we were 17, for crying out loud. We were basically children when our relationship began. We pretty much grew up together; meaning we learned “how to adult” together. Sometimes it got rather icky, but we persevered with love and made it through all the crappy stuff. These days, our icky stuff is much less stinky and doesn’t linger very long at all. Our friendship, love, and devotion has never been stronger, and continues to grow.

Does that sound gooey or what??

Yeah, it probably does, but too bad. This time of the year has always given me pause to reflect on then versus now. We just got done watching two of our favorite Holiday movies with some dear friends: “Miracle On 34th Street,” and the 1951 version of “Scrooge.” Both flicks make me all mooshy… and with “Scrooge,” forget about it awreddy, I cry like a baby at the end. It’s all about transformation… and thanks to The People Upstairs, some 28 years ago I received an opportunity to start setting things right after blundering through life; attacking everyday problems like a raging lunatic with a chainsaw and a sledgehammer. Took me about 18 years worth of weeping and gnashing of teeth to see the light, but I’m ever so grateful for my life today.

My Beautiful Soulmate Girlfriend Wife person and I are blessed indeed. Our life just keeps getting better; and it has nothing to do with money or things. May All of You receive at least as many blessings.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all!!

Hope Santa is ready…

Making Christmas And The Joys Of Being Older

Ten days from now, millions of kids both young and old will be tearing into wrapping paper and gift bags to see what Santa brought. These last days before the Holiday, however, can be hectic and even stressful. We grownups try to find solace in each others’ misery; hoping that at least one person is as ill-prepared as we are for the Big Day. Today at work I had just such a conversation with a friend, who asked the age-old question:

“So, you ready for Christmas??”

“Kinda… still have a few things to get. Oh and I wanna get over to the dollar store and get some kippered herring for the kids;” I replied.

“You buy tins of herring for Christmas??” she asked with wrinkled brows.

“Well, they were raised by a Norwegian, so yeah my kids love kippered herring. I try to make sure I get a few cans for stocking stuffers.”

I don’t think she’s going to run out for any last minute herring purchases, but then she shared her plans for the Holiday.

It’s a busy time of year for many of us. Buying gifts, family gatherings, visiting with friends, baking and cooking all seem to fill our schedules with delightful zooming so we can squeeze love and fun into every last minute.

And then there’s work… that 4-letter word we all revere so highly. My fellow computer flunkies and I have been handed some aggressive deadlines to be completed by the end of the year. It’s always such a treat to get very short notice on things that need to be done before the end of December (sarcasm definitely intended).

One of the better things, for me at least, is being old enough to remember when The Beatles came to the U.S. on the Mayflower. It’s not the aging I relish so much as the ability to take things in stride because of having “been there, done that.” I’ve come to a point in my life where, although I still know how to get my knickers in knots, the severity of my serenity alarm’s clanging is a much smaller magnitude than in “the good old days.” Of course I still complain… but I get over it faster. And a bonus: I’m less self conscious and a bit more other people conscious.

Example: I zoomed out of bed the other morning to get all my chores done before heading to work. We got some snow, so I knew the drive would take a little longer. Got dressed, fed the cat, got the coffee, hit the bathroom, brushed my hair, made the fires (we heat with sticks), gathered up all my lunch things and out the door I went.

Decided to treat myself to some breakfast sandwiches and a thingy of orange juice (one of each for two days’ breakfasts) from the local gas station; and I couldn’t help but notice that folks were looking at me a bit longer than normal. When I zipped back to the car, I caught my reflection in the window and saw this strange looking fellow looking back at me. Well, it was me of course, and some of my hair apparently didn’t make it to the pony tail; and was looking rather floofy. Couple that with my very-recently-out-of-bed-not-very-awake-yet face and I don’t think I’d win any beauty contests. Upon seeing my reflection I was instantly aware of why folks were staring at me; and I started laughing rather bigly.

So this being up in years business has really helped me learn (sometimes the hard way) not to take myself too seriously. And although the Holiday season has my brain a-crankin’ at times, I can write a “Happy Friday!!!” and remind myself to slow my mind… breathe… easy does it… ahhhh that’s better.   Please note: I haven’t said anything about being mature. I’m still way too young to grow up completely!

If you’ve read this far, thanks. Writing this was good therapy. I was getting a bit ornery and even glum (mostly because I have to travel for work for 3 days this coming week) (waahhh waahhh waahhh); and I need to stay out of the stinky part of my brain and just enjoy the moment. That, of course, goes for every moment of every day, not just the ones during the Holidays (although those are pretty special).

So I’ll be making Christmas right up to the very end, just like very other year.

And the years have helped me understand that’s pretty darned OK.

Speaking of videos… how about more than one this week?  I heard this recently on my favorite Canadian radio station (Zoomer Radio:  740 on your AM dial when it’s dark outside) and it really tickled my inner child. The second one is a song that was on the radio when I was a wee one… the animation someone added is a bit funky but hey, better than anything I could do.

Hope all of you enjoy.

A Special Request

Our grandsons are visiting; which is always a joyous time. During dinner, Ollie gave me a request:

“Papa, are you going to write that thing again tonight after we watch cartoons?”

“You mean ‘Happy Friday!!!’ ?” I replied.

“Yeah!!” he said, with a beckoning look.

“Oh… you want me to print it for you?” I asked; but within a fraction of a second he was nodding insistently.

“Well, I was gonna write about AM radio,” I cautioned. “But I bet I can find you something funny!”

His eyes twinkled and he cracked a broad smile. Needless to say, this “Happy Friday!!!” is not going to be about AM radio (although I still think it’s really cool). No, today will be a brand new silly one… and I’m even going to try my hand without the help of that Hyram C. Gilmore guy that fills in for me from time to time (nudge-nudge, wink-wink).

I think I’ll start with a poem:

For The Love Of Candy

by Ken Hansen

We all had some fun at the Christmas Parade.

‘Twas really quite warm, although clouds brought some shade.

Marching bands marched while the drummers all drummed.

Flutes fluted, horns horned, but nobody hummed.

Folks in their costumes all looked very dandy;

And many were throwing (or passing out) candy!!

When we got home, the candy bags bulged;

Gabe and Ollie said “please?” and oh boy they indulged.

After a while I took both bags away

But promised them more a bit later that day.

I said, “see all those chocolates and suckers and sugars?

Well, now you have something to eat besides boogers!!”

(I know that’s gross but keep in mind I’m writing this to make my grandson smile.)

On the other hand, I think I’ll ask both Ollie and Gabe to wash the kitty litter with toothpaste and Chicken Lamp Soup so we can all enjoy another car tasting contest. It takes a lot of skill to taste cars, especially when their eyes are shooting butter globs out of the tailpipe whistle.

Ah yes, good old tailpipe whistle globs. Aren’t those just wonderful on a nice piece of cracked clam shell toasting waffle? Yes, of course you do. In fact, I distinctly remember the time both of my shoes had broccoli oozing out of the chimney faucets. Those were simpler times when rabbits knew how to yodel much more quietly than they do on Sundays. Please, do not put any more ketchup in my coat pocket.

Of course, we must finish this silly story with a small space animal that can write its own name with the largest pile of applesauce this side of the Martian Mud Watering Festival. Small space animals generally have names like “Big Giant Tiny Guy” or “Totally Huge Very Little Donut Flattener.” I’ve never met any of these strange beings; possibly because I just invented them with my stainless steel curtain softeners.

Very well then. Please give Love to All You See; and try to remember ask them to Give Your Papa Some Really Delicious Cake. Also, Ask Them Not To Capitalize Every Word In A Sentence; Because It’s Just Not The Way Squirrels Are Supposed To Explode.

Thank you, and please feel free to use cheese to stay warm on those cold winter grocery store power tools.


Speaking of cartoons… here’s the kind of thing to which we subject our grandkids.  I know I’m a dinosaur but when it comes to cartoons, the oldies are still the best.  We actually watched this one just before we ushered them off to bed.

My Holiday Requirements for 2017

Dear Loving Reader People,

I would like to start off by yelling a VERY HAPPY DECEMBER to all who care to hear it. For many of us, this month ushers in the Holiday Season, which actually started around Hallowe’en some time but it’s really here now with all the fancy TV commercials and marketing gimmicks and Holy Wondoony Sales Events that chingle the golden hearts of even the most miserly people; many of whom are not at all aware of the fact that their giving spirit will soon embrace their MoneyBrains and will cause them to either buy me lots of cool things or just complain that I slammed yet another silly run-on sentence into a Happy Friday Thing just because I haven’t in a long time so the time came when it was time.

To write one.

A run-on sentence.

Not to be confused with sentence fragments.

Like the ones I just built.

Anyway, it’s around this time that I broadcast to all my readers the list of gifts I must receive to satisfy my Truly Important Holiday Requirements. Please understand that if I don’t receive each and every one of the following urgently requested items, I will probably start collecting insect juice in that 12 gallon jar over there. It’s a wonderful accomplishment to fill such a jar, but it’s a rather gruesome process that takes way too long during the winter.

Without any further delay, I hereby bequeath upon you the task of satisfying my lust for material goods with the following list of requirements. I will call it “My Holiday Requirements Lust List.” I’ll try to keep the list short… don’t want to be greedy ya know.

OK, here’s the list:

A. I need a new jar of microwaveable chocolate covered sardines. No need to go to much trouble there, the 174 oz. jar from Leif Erikson’s Lazy Larder will work just fine. The jar I kept hidden I my sock drawer is pretty much empty. Please inspect the jar carefully though, the last one had a small crack in it and I didn’t notice it for 3 weeks. Conversations became awkward…

“Your feet stink!!”

“But I just put clean socks on!!”

“Well, somethin’ ain’t right…they smell like rotten fish!!”

Took a couple months to get my socks smelling nice and clean again.

4. You know that Norwegian cheese that has cloves and caraway in it and tastes so remarkably wow? Well, why did you hide that on top of my car’s muffler last year?? I mean, I like surprises but the fumes nearly burned my eyebrows off when I went looking for the source of the cheesey poofy smoke I noticed when I looked in the rearview mirror on the way home from the Santa’s Helpers Burping Concert last year. Tell you what though, you haven’t lived till you’ve heard “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer” sung in burping harmony!!

R. Looks like I’m gonna need a new shoelace loom. I’ve been weaving my own shoelaces for about 17 millibops now, and it has never really worked out. However, once the cat discovered all the cool knobs made of acorn caps there was simply no effective way to recalibrate the nostril fiber spinning mechanism. Oh never mind… just get me one of those pens that writes under a waterfall instead.

7V. Holy Carp!! Someone stuffed my jeans into the bathtub for a drain plug!! Oh wait… it’s OK. The goldfish are doing fine.

B$. Please e-mail me some new spark plugs for my reciprocating toastermobile. That thing makes the best darn toasted cinnamon bacon popcorn sandwiches this side of Lower Loofonia.

And the last item on my Holiday Requirements Lust List:

47!.

Please be kind to every living thing you meet, and try to remember that we are all Children of The Great Holy Whoever They Are. Offer handshakes; or better yet ask if a hug is needed.  Smile. Try to be grateful; because even our worst days may be much better than someone else’s. And last but not least: Mother Nature loves us, so we need to let her know we love Her, also.

Well that’s enough I think. Hope all is as well with you as it is with me. As a friend of mine says, “90% of the world would love to have the problems I have.”

Peace, Love, and Hugs,

Kenny

Went looking for a video and found this one… not at all topic related but rather unique (or should I say weird??)…