Dear Mom (Nature),

Please turn off the cooler in time for Hallowe’en. Supposed to freeze again tonight, and according to The Weather People, there’s a possibility of rain and maybe even snow on Hallowe’en. This does not amuse me. I would much prefer 60 degrees with some sunshine until the sun goes down when the evening approaches sunset; which usually happens right after the sun goes down in the evening when the darkness begins so we can go trick-or-treating with the grandkids and not have to freeze our bazookeys off while they get lots of nice candy and we get to shiver and avoid moisture as it falls from the sky in an effort to moisten our nether regions while we conjure up a nice, scary run-on sentence.

Thank you.,

Me, A Name I call Myself.

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Dear Home Owners,

When we bring the grandkids to your home, please toss in some extra chocolate for us older folks. We really like chocolate. I know the old saying, “variety is the spice of life,” but I’m pretty sure that refers to a variety of chocolaty yummy things that may or may not have nuts and other confectionery remarkables. Also, since I am retiring in a few months, feel free to summon me just after the kids leave your house with their goodies and offer me nice surprises like $20 bills and perhaps a few gift certificates to local stores. I promise not to threaten to stomp your flower beds or try to teach your pets to speak German like I did last year.

Thank you,

A Very Humble Freckle Faced Old Fart

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Dear Kids,

Thank GOD for all of youse youngsters!! How else would we get the opportunity to slosh around in rain and snow and watch youse kids smile bigly as you get all the neat treats from all these houses? Oh what?? Yes, I did see that cool witch costume that lady wore when she came to the door. Wait… say what?? The guy in the brick house has skulls on his lawn that are all lit up?? Way cool. Do what now?? Oh… I saw that smashed pumpkin back there, yeah… not sure why anyone would want to do that. Pardon me?? Wow, yeah!! You got quite a haul of goodies there.

So hey kids, you know what? Youse are the reason for the season, when it comes right down to it. Thank you for showing us “adults” how to have fun during any kind of weather. Actually, thank you all just for being who you are. We are very fortunate to have you with us here on this planet.

Thank you,

Some Mooshy Old Geezer

P.S.: Got any chocolate?

Something has gone afoul over the years. My body somehow seems to be in some sort of rebellion against activity!! And the rebellion seems to be getting more and more vociferous as time passes. This probably has been happening gradually over the years, but seems like it’s a bit more frequent these days. Might be due to becoming a sexagenarian 5 years ago. Five years!! Sheesh!! By the way, if any of youse “youngstahs” are reading: no, a sexagenarian is not a person of a generic gender. What?? You knew that??

Oh.

So there I was, minding my own business, 5 years ago, turning 60, and thinking, “wow, this is kinda weird!! My brain says I’m in my 30s but my body is not looking that way at all!! And what the HECK is all this hair growing in my ears?? And the balding… sheesh, is the hair migrating or something?? And my joints seem to think they need to report with a ** POP ** every time I move!! And sometimes it hurts me awreddy!!”

Yes, my brain thing said exactly those things.

Now I’m 65. Sheesh again!!! I hear my ankles pop when I get out of bed. My hip hurts and I don’t know why. I lifted something that wasn’t even heavy, and my wrist has pain like someone ran it through with a giant ice pick. I go to bed, maybe take some aspirin, and feel fine in the morning. Then I go to do something else that never bothered me and something else says ouch now!! My Beautiful Girlfriend (the one who let me marry her 45 years ago) has similar happiness too. We suffer together, and offer each other consolation and pain relievers.

This should not happen to gentle people like us!!

Sixty five years old… wow. You know what that means, right?? Yep… I was 15 when Woodstock was happening. Oh, you didn’t think about that one? Well the 50^th anniversary of that awesome event comes next week. So… 65… you know what that means, right?? Yep… pretty soon I’ll be dialing M for Medicare. Holding off till I’m 66 since my employer provides coverage until I retire. And wow… 65… as I tell all the “kids” (people much younger than me): I can clearly remember when The Beatles came to America on the Mayflower!! It was pretty doggoned exciting really.

Well, yes, I’m getting old now. I’m staying grateful though; I’m still physically able to do what I did when I was 30. Sometimes it takes longer, and sometimes it hurts. Sometimes both. But I don’t have to look far to realize that there are many, many souls on this planet that are way worse off than me. I’m blessed to be able to say I’m a very fortunate person.

Now it’s getting late outside, and I’ll be going to bed soon. Tomorrow is another day that I’m sure will be full of more snap, crackle, and pop adventures. That’s right friends, my body is starting to sound like a big bowl of Kellogg’s Rice Crispies.

No added milk required!!

Being old isn’t so bad… just hope I don’t end up like The Old Man Of The Mountain…

We love to feed the birds; and have… um… lemme see… five feeders. Two for the hummingbirds, one suet feeder for the woodpeckers (and whoever else shows up), one filled with thistle seed for the finches, and one full of mixed seeds for everybody else. All except the mixed seeds feeder require visitors to land and feed directly on the feeder. The mixed seeds are a different story.

Almost all birds will visit the seeds feeder at one time or another. Some, like rose breasted grosbeaks, are dainty and perch on the little ledge to get their meals. They just nibble out of the little tray and then will find a nugget of choice and fly away with it. Others, like blue jays, will toss seeds out of the feeder until they find what they want. We call blue jays the “punk rockers” of birds because of their flamboyant plumage and mannerisms. They and others like starlings and grackles used to annoy us greatly with their dumping of the seeds; but then we realized that they give all the ground feeding birds a nice smorgasbord from which to choose.

Only one problem with all that seed on the ground. It attracts mammals. Bunnies, squirrels, and even raccoons will stop at the base of the feeder and get their fill. That can be cute if they all behave themselves, but until we took several “anti-squirrel” measures, we’d often come home to a feeder that was full in the morning but emptied to the ground by afternoon. Thankfully, that’s no longer a problem.

There’s one “cute” little critter species, however, that has become quite an annoyance.

Chipmunks.

They’re cute alright. Kinda colorful markings too. But if you are married and your wife has an interest in raising flowers in the vicinity of the bird feeder, they can become quite a nuisance. They love to burrow, you see. And too often, the soft soil of my Beautiful Girlfriend’s flower bed is very accommodating to their tunneling habits. Only problem with that is: plants don’t like having their roots exposed to the air. So my Sweet Lovely Bride will toil and place her plants just so, only to have some of them die because of burrowing rascal rodents.

It’s very obvious that these little dirt monkeys are the culprits. They pop out of nowhere when we’re walking near the flower beds; and then we see the little hole from which they zoom in and out. Their activities have not made my Amazing Love very happy at all; and she has resorted to calling them foul names. “Why the *@#! do they dig in my *@#!ing flower beds??” she asked not too long ago. Being the dutiful hubby I am, I looked it up on the interwebs, then conveyed what should have been an obvious answer: they like seeds.

We’ve been feeding birds for many moons, but the chipmunk problem is relatively recent. There are predators that keep them in check; and we’ve been raising whole families of those for many moons too. They’re called kitty cats. Our cats have always been allowed outside; and for almost all of her 21 ½ years our beautiful calico, Never Anne, would keep their numbers down. That baby killed pretty much anything that moved!!

Well, Nevvie is gone to the Big Kitty Cat Playground In The Sky. We do have Freddy the Freeloader; he’s our one and only kitty now (we’ve often had several at a time). Freddy was a feral who adopted us; and although he knows how to hunt, he seems to have become rather fat and lazy these days. It’s very possible he’s spoiled. Our family does not use poison baits, so since Freddy wasn’t bringing us any dead chipmunks, I started waging war on them with more humane methods. Stomping their tunnels – they just dig again. Flooding with water – lasts a little longer but pretty much the same result as stomping.

Then finally the light came on. The water seemed to work alright, I just needed to add a little something to it. Something like used kitty litter!! The clumping kind works very well for this. So I filled a plastic bucket with water, then started dumping in the kitty droppings. Let it set for a couple days so it gets nice and stinky. Stir it with a stick, taste it to make sure it’s… NO!!! NO TASTING!!! GACK!!

You can probably guess the next step. Chipmunks do NOT like kitty cat stinkwater. Gee, I wonder why?? So my new and improved control method is to douse the offending burrows with Kitty Kaka And Wee Wee Nasty Juice Mixture Surprise. Hey… maybe I should bottle it and start marketing the stuff!! Anyway, for good measure, I make sure some of the solids go down the hole too. Very effective!! This might gross some of you out, but please keep in mind that we don’t eat what grows in the flower beds. And if there’s any fresh stinkwater application, I make sure to warn my Honey Pie so she can remember to wear gloves while doing her garden work.

Feel free to use this recipe at your house. One thing to keep in mind though: mosquitoes do not seem to care what kind of water they lay eggs in. That’s right kids, I’ve actually seen mosquito larvae in the stinkwater bucket!! After seeing that, I make sure to check regularly; and dump all the water before the larvae can mature. God only knows what nasty diseases such creatures would carry if they hatch out of such nastiness!!

We still have chipmunks stuffing their faces at the base of the bird feeder; but at least they’re not messing up my Baby’s flowerbed. They don’t look anything like the ones that Disney made famous in cartoons. Here are those two chipmunks who are famous for their shenanigans.

Well it’s the Friday before the Last Weekend Of Vacation and although I probably should be crying and rolling on the floor with great sadness and ickety-boo, I am instead writing a run-on sentence that is intended to sing great songs of satisfaction that my vacation went pretty darn well because nobody was injured and I ate more than enough and even got some garden work done and there were a couple of times when I forgot what day it was and my blood pressure got the best reading in many moons.

Say what??

YES!! My blood pressure was mantivulously excellent when I checked it the other day. And “mantivulously” is not even a word!! To those of you who don’t have high blood pressure, this may seem like no big deal. For me, a reading of 116 / 83 is pretty doggoned fantabulous. And there’s another word that isn’t a word!! My Beautiful Honey Pie has often told me, “Kenny, when you retire, your blood pressure will drop!!” I’m not quite retired, but almost… and having 10 days off in a row pretty much feels like what I figure retirement will be (except I have money).

So here I am on the 5^th of July, roasting in the heat of the upstairs where my office is, listening to all the explosives being touched off in the distance, hoping nobody put firecrackers in Uncle Zermle’s nostrils like last year, wondering why all these run-on sentences and make-a-believe words keep flying out of my fingers and onto the screen via the keyboard, and oh yes, where the HECK do people get all the money for all these “up in smoke” kaboomy devices?? Anyhow?? OK, I admit that I have been known to purchase fireworks in the past. Now they are legal in Michigan, and many people are taking advantage of that. Some even have displays that look pretty professional! But I’ll be glad when it’s over… I treasure the peace and quiet over the kabooms and rocket skreechings.

Well I hope all of you had a bribbulous 4^th of July, and that you still have all your fingers and have suffered comparatively little hearing loss. I still have 2.125 days of vacation left, so I’m a gonna go ni-night now to celebrate.

So there I was, minding my own business, thinking seriously of what kind of seriousness I was going to be serious about, not really sure if I wanted to be serious enough to remove www.kakahead.com from my domain universe and just have that garden thing; but then people told me they really like “Happy Friday!!!” so I put it on the garden website thing and then I thought to myself, “Hey, you self person!  For why you are now put ha ha on the garden website thing? Don’t they are supposed to be a separate something from each other…” and then my mind drifted into a much longer run-on sentence as I dreamed of eating hard smoked eels and singing great songs of corporate dysfunction.

As I was singing, I tried to juggle the two websites, and I, the Computer Geek Boy of My Workplace Factory Thing, who is supposed to know better than to fiddle about with clicking button things (please forgive my technical explanations); proceeded to break both websites dead in a most kaputt manner.  It was very easy.  All I had to do was click a few things and say OK, and suddenly nothing in my two website world was OK anymore.  I was even more pleased when I realized that I had not ever in my living life backed up the databases for either website.  I was very proud of myself indeed, and celebrated by spraying Extract of Bug Antlers on my Computer Monitor Device and of course I also began to wonder Why I was Capitalizing Words that really Shouldn’t Be Capitalized.

So.  Here I am now, rebuilding the kakahead thing (and feeling a bit like a kakahead if you know what I mean); and although I have all my stories still here on my computer,  I am most encrusted with my completely indivisible saturation.  That means, of course, that I am flogging myself with imaginary dust hammers and other implements of construction; as I feel very silly to have perpetrated such a Blarvookian Snerglepop.

I’m very sorry if I saddened any of my friends in the “Happy Friday!!!” kaka readership ranks. I hope you will forgive me and send large amounts of crash to my pet radish who I effectively call “Mr. Crab Crackers.”  He and only he will be responsible for collecting the amplified bread worms that I’m sure so many of you activate with your toasters each and every day of The Great Snack Festival; which of course occurs each Tuesday night when the moon is sailing through the Monkey Head Jones Conservation District.

The morel of the story, then, is that I will keep www.kakahead.com and also rebuild the garden website thing.  Thank you very much to all my friends (some of whom I’ve never actually met).  Bless you all and may the Great Spirit keep you safe and free from indigestion.

Here now is something that makes me stop and sniff the liverwurst.  See you next week kids!!