Electronic Refractions And Mandatory Recycling Procedures

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Horrible things are occurring on our Planet today.  A ruthless dictator is doing his best to steal an independent nation; and there are some citizens in our own country who think this jerkface Vladimir Putin is a great guy.  This all makes me barf on the ground with bad sadness.  Therefore, in an attempt to achieve complete detachment from all this nasty business, I present to you all a helping of nonsense which I hope will comfort your earlobes with copious amounts of bacon which is infused with multi-colored raisin crystals.  Herewith, therefore, and to wit is the very important letter for none of you to amplify during cleanser commercials.

Dearest Traves and Mizzledenters,

In the interest of a more secure planet whose resources have been dwindling at an alarming rate, we must now embark upon an aggressive lotion application program for each and every living organism on this home we call Earth.

Some of you may well ask, “how does one apply lotion to pollywogs and other large mammals?” As a famous president often said, “let me say this about that.” Seriously, if you cannot yet grasp the operational intricacies of the Royal Lotion Brush, then please do not attempt to enter the Cat Coating Laboratory. Cats are not amused when radioactive desserts are substituted for common flashlight banana candles.

Please ask both of your friends whether they can seriously find themselves. You simply never know in this day and age where one can be found. And of course, if one is found then others will be soon to follow. Follow me to the store and I may or may not purchase some electronic bread removal tools. These and other contraceptives can be found floating through the 73rd dimensional portal that was built by the Ancient Dribblers.

I’ve asked our electronic recycling contractors to apply soap to both wheels. Please let me know if any capacity regions require further coagulation. The most effective method of communication for this purpose is very loud yodeling during a thunderstorm. Each yodel should be very melodic as well as crunchy; and the yodeler must be prepared to catch the fresh, warm output of the Danish Donut Ejection Machine.  Please keep this in mind for the upcoming summer months or weeks or days, because as we all know, summer months and some are not.

This procedure is truly vital and must be followed exactly. Some of the more common questions that may or may not arise are:

Do chocolate celery sticks enjoy a separate life cycle?

What color is this wandering balloon whose name is Alfred?

Remember that one time when we were sleeping in the snowbank?

Is this carnival really safe?

When do we get to press the Magic Button?

Are you going to eat that???

Please thank yourselves in advance for your constellations. After all, EVERYBODY is a star.

Happy Wheezing,

Brebbick N. Zemberklang
a.k.a. “Foofie McSnuffington”

Now these have NOTHING to do with ANYTHING but they were fun for me.

Hopefully for you too…

Like Normal People (?)

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How does one define the word “normal?” Anyway? I suppose it depends on who you ask. I mean, something as simple as wearing underwear might be considered normal by most folks. Then of course there are those who don’t find that normal at all. There are so many ways to interpret what “normal” is, that some (including me) have embraced the statement that normal is simply a cycle on the washing machine.

Why would I even want to go there? Writing about what’s normal I mean. Well, my Beautiful Girlfriend forced me to do it with a funny quip she made about dinner the other day. We were settling in for the evening; all our chores completed, and it was time to enjoy an elegant dinner of burritos from Taco Bell. My Lovely Bride looked at me with her beautiful eyes and said, “Let’s go to the bedroom, watch TV and eat our dinner like normal people.” “Like normal people, huh??” I snickered.

That gave both of us a nice chuckle. And yes we did enjoy our gourmet burritos in bed while we watched a Marvel movie with surround sound. Why do we have surround sound in the bedroom? Because that’s what my Honey Pie wanted. And I have to say it’s pretty nice to chill out all comfy and enjoy movie house quality sound in the comfort of your own… um… bedroom. And yes, we have surround sound in the living room too.

Are we spoiled or what??

Now I must ask: it’s normal for people to enjoy bad breath sandwiches, right? You know, some nice deli rye slathered in mayo with some chopped onion and a can of King Oscar sardines in tomato sauce layered nicely on there. Then snarf it down and go looking for your sweetie for a nice kiss. My wife just loves that ya know! Oh wait!!! No, she does NOT. No smooching till the teeth are brushed!!

Oh, and is it normal to buy a tool (or something) because you can’t find the one you know you have?? Gotta have that metric adjustable wrench today, right?? How else can I loosen the fronkulator on the bilateral mizzlepop and make sure it twinkles correctly before the warranty expires?? So off we go to the hardware store, buy an adjustable metric wrench for $18.95; and I’m told “You’re lucky!! You got the last one and oh, by the way, it costs more because it’s metric.” Then I learn that these are often called Crescent wrenches and they work for any standard because hey, they’re adjustable!! Well OK I already knew that; it’s just fun to be silly. Of course, I have indeed purchased a tool or other thing-a-ma-bob over the years because I needed the one I was sure I had, but could not find it for love nor money. So I go buy a new one (oh wait, that’s money!); and about halfway through the project while I’m rummaging through the tools I find the missing domaflochy that I had all along.

So is it normal for the pizza to change colors while the oven is turned off, then start howling when the preheat is finished and the oven door is open?? Then when I go to put it on the oven rack all these little colored flags pop up with exclamations like “No!!” “Ouch!!” “Hot!!” “LEAVE ME ALONE!!” And then the mouse with driving cap and sunglasses in the little sports car starts ramming my ankles and shouting obscenities (I think) in Swahili or something while beeping his horn. Phone rings, I slide my hand too close to the rack, ouch that hurts, it’s someone who wants to extend my car’s warranty and the refrigerator is beeping again and confetti is gushing out of the ice maker and why in the HECK is the motor oil in the vegetable drawer??

Oh wait… just a dream.

Was that a normal dream? Or should I just enjoy that cycle on the washing machine?

This might be an interesting dream…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmsrFSTjMXU

Monday Monkey Business

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Some of you may be aware that this Monday brings a celebration day for Peace, Love, and Harmony. And yes, of course I’m talking about Valentine’s Day. I firmly believe that February 14 is not a day to be celebrated only by lovers. The spirit of the day should be shared with everyone, because hey, “What The World Needs Now Is Love;” and yes, the Dionne Warwick reference is definitely intended.

At our house, Valentine’s Day has always been very warm and fuzzy; dripping with honey globs and covered with chocolate mixed with assorted deliciousness accompanied by some hugging and maybe some smooching and perhaps some none-of-your-business. We usually enjoy a special treat for dinner. You know, stuff like steak on the half shell or maybe lobster toenails served on a crispy bed of burnt popcorn. Our palates will then be delicately washed with a nice glass of alcohol free sparkling orange & tomato juice with a healthy dollop of cinnamon baked oatmeal floating on top. Often we like to have some candy, and since we’ve been very careful with our sugar intake this year we went to The Lakeside Emporium (← click the link to their store) (I double-D dare ya) (yes, I like to put too many things in parentheses) for a rare treat. Each of us selected enough delicious morsels to fill a 40 pound container. It’s also possible that we limited our selections to 12 candies each. Yesterday, while she was at work, I stopped at our old favorite, the White Lake Greenhouse (← another link!!) and picked out a nice bouquet of the customary flowers which will be hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that Saint Valentine soon will be there.

Since Covid, we’ve been enjoying movies quite a bit in the comfort of our own home. I must confess, when my Beautiful Girlfriend requested that I install surround sound in our bedroom all those years ago, I brooped and merfled at the idea. Now of course we very much enjoy chilling out with our HUGE 32 inch flat screen TV (the best size to fit in the cabinet she wanted) and full surround audio from a nice Pioneer system. I’m hoping my Lovely Bride will agree to an action flick this time. Perhaps something like the Saskatchewan Chainsaw Massacre… it’s like the one in Texas but colder and more polite. Of course she may want to watch one of those romantic classics like Guess Which Vampire Is Coming To Dinner; that one’s a mixture of passion and her love for vampire movies. Who knows… maybe we’ll settle for an old Buster Keaton movie and some cartoons.

After the movie, as has always (never) been the case in previous years, I will serenade my Sweetheart by yodeling Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” and then Devo’s “Time Out For Fun” in their entirety. I’ll probably be yodeling vociferously while painting my eyebrows with neon green hi-lighter to increase her arousal. The serenade is preceded by my newly discovered trick of getting lollipops to stick to my cheeks after a few licks. Yep, just get them a bit moist on one side, then press and hold for approximately 5 minutes. The result will likely put a big smile on her face, especially as my neon green eyebrows dance seductively while the lollipop sticks hop to the yodel-wiggles while I belt out the tunes.

As you can see, I really know how to show my Darling Honey Pie a good time on Valentine’s Day. My sincere hope for all of you is that you give and / or receive love on the upcoming Special Day; but please do not stop there. What the world really does need, is Love, Sweet Love; so please spread it far and wide, each and every day of the year. Even something small like telling a retail worker “Thank You” is a nice way to spread the love.

And if they don’t seem moved, you can always offer to yodel for them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XP-fu–VpS4

A Friendly Letter To Lorveltran And His Roglaynian Cousins

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Dear Perglezookeys,

Please don’t spread the word, but as I have already alerted Wiblet and his famous Jumping Voles, I have been masticating during lunch. My mandible enjoys this to the point where it is pretty much automatic. Please do be aware, however, that mastication is a pure, wholesome, and reasonably natural process and should not be refreshed in the name of Dondo Frijole. You personally may opt NOT to masticate, but do so only with the precaution that you might be setting yourself up to receive the Hindkick maneuver from your piers. Piers and maybe even docks. If their are two such piers, well that of course would be a paradox.

On the other hand, you may receive the Hand Lick maneuver, which is totally disgusting and miserably ineffective. If you receive the Hand Lick maneuver on both hands, well, please don’t go around calling crayons bad names.  Your piers may not even want to try it. And of course, if you add an “L” to “piers,” you get “pliers,” and that’s what Herman the Zinc Miner will use to pinch your septum every single time the Three Stooges investigate the Twighlight Zone.

In the early morning night time, I opened the window and several nonfurry checkbook carriers escaped and ran through the intersections. As I saw this, I twinkled my toes and exclaimed, “Holy Photonic Calibration!! There go four of my unused satellite receivers!” If you see them, it’s likely they will be traveling with soup and perhaps even potato cartilage. This flavor based combination will intimidate even the best of all your political capuccino. Why anyone would even attempt to varnish tomatoes is way beyond my constitution.

Clang clang clang go the whistles, enjoying help from Above and Oh my God my socks are draining again. Above refers to a place higher than me, where birds, helicopters, and dragonflies enjoy friendly “Hey let’s watch The Exorcist again” parties. If you happen to be near such a gathering, please run from the wildebeest and leave a trail of Poppin’ Fresh doughnuts so we can find you when it’s time to do the dishes.

Are you trying to annoy me with that cheap imitation of a screen door you call “Lermick??” Well, just so you know, you’ll never make any Cracker Barrel Surprise with that silly rubber spoon you’ve hidden in the sofa cushions. I beseech you, never attempt to wave your antler hammers at my pet goat fish while she’s washing the television. This never happened before, and probably will never happen again at least 43 times or less. Unless, of course, the bread turns left at the next power pickle.

Someone stole eleven percent of my brain. This makes the chore of even normale typeikng vyery diffiddicult indeeded.n Sol I lleave youoyou noww, bbefoorew I cane nlwo longerers type * at # Alle.’

By buy,

Zeb Rookenzool

Action Figure of Choice,

3003 Ozone Olympics

P.S.: Soon I will buy you some string you can use to persuade insects to do fancy tricks.

Unless your name is Bimbo and you are trying to join a fraternity…

An Important Notification To Everyone’s Dendrites

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Dear Friends,

My Beautiful Girlfriend and I recently had a very coniferous inflammation recently:  our friendship has been radioactive for a little over 50 years!!  I mean, we’ve known and loved each other since we were both 17!!  And we are 67 now!!  And There Are Way Too Many Exclamation Points In This Paragraph; Along With Truly Excessive Capitalization Which As You May Have Guessed Will Soon Morph Into A Run-on Sentence But My Pinkies Are Now Growing Weary Of Hitting The Shift Key So All I Can Say Is That I hope each and every one of you likes having whatever it is you’re having!!!!  I had some earlier and it was pretty darn good!!!!!  I hope to have some more another time, but for now I’ll be happy to enjoy the “have had” experience!!!!!

Yes!!  Yes Indeed!!

50 years!!  That’s like more than two weeks I believe.  We are both completely flatulent that this amount of time could have sneaked past us in such a zoomy fashion.  For us, childhood has become a distant memory, a flash in the pan.  And pan flash is very flashy!!  Yes, we both remember that we were living in different homes together way back when, but it’s as if our current friendship / marriage / romancing time has been with us pretty much our whole lives.  As frogs say (or so I’ve been told), time really is fun when you’re having flies.  I mean, is it not true that The Beatles first came to the US on the Mayflower just a few years ago?  What???  That was fifty eight years ago??  No… This cannot be.  I refuse to accept these amenities.

Something’s gotta be said about this time zooming phenomenon.  Therefore, I need to change bottle caps right now to issue this important bulletin:

IMPORTANT BULLETIN

(This is the important bulletin.)

(All the bold purple text down below here.)

(I thought purple and bold would stand out so…)

(Now there are too many parentheses!!)

OK, here’s the bulletin in bold purple awreddy!!

This is to advise all steam hangers that any further disguising of endocrine lamps will be postulated with electric germ tables on or about September 27, 2024. All related salivation will occur just before lunch has a chance to hit the fan.

This is NOT a drill.

I cannot inflame you strongly enough to cease and desist with the act of emulating small furry granola bars. After all, any irresponsible kazoo impresario will automatically endure greatly exaggerated facial expressions.

Gradually we will consult the prototype monkey bar infusion devices in an attempt to discern extraordinary methods of vegetable and / or marshmallow juice extraction. Until then, please return to your imaginary “safe place” and enjoy the gumdrop flavored caffeinated meat sticks.

If you have any questions about the arrangement of your bedroom furniture, please contact Moller Enterprises in Sedgewicke Valley, New Mexico and they will refund your pajamas with explosion resistant platform shoes.

Thank you for your cooperation and your willingness to bathe without the use of abrasive chowder shavings.

Sincerely,

Barker G. Finkledust

a.k.a. “Mr. Snackwonder”

On the other hand, does anyone remember Buster Keaton?

Hot Dog!! Soup.

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Perhaps I’m being simplistic, or maybe even a bit crinkly; but my professional opinion on current events is that while Omicron is trying to jump deeply inside of everyone’s nostrils, there are tactics which must be employed in order to mitigate the chaotic, herky-jerky economic impact; and of course only the serotonin elevating condition of a belly full of comfort food can initiate such mitigation; and a run-on sentence that is confusing at best is not necessarily an effective way to remove radioactive skin particles from the soles of our shoes.

I think, maybe.

We had a cataclysmic event recently: the bucket of potatoes I harvested this fall were all starting to sprout!! Oh God oh God!! After a week or so of noticing this phenomenon, I leapt into action yesterday and embarked upon a food processing expedition. I cleaned all the dirt off (they keep much better if you leave the dirt on), removed the sprouty things (forgive my technical horticultural jargon), and most were converted into comfort food. The biggest ones were blanched and flash frozen to enjoy another time.

So yes my friends, in an effort to feed my Beautiful Girlfriend and my Me some comfort food, which I expounded upon in the first paragraph, I made a modified version of Mom’s Hot Dog Soup. Did you get any? No, you did not. We had some for dinner twice times now; and it was simply scrumptious. Do you want me to invite you over for some? I would be happy to invite you on the condition that you refuse to come. So there!! Ha ha!! I laugh to you. You must make your own, OK? Here’s how:

Mom’s Hot Dog Soup (modified version).

Note: this recipe makes a LOT of soup.

Ingredients

3 lbs. Potatoes

2 yellow onions (about 3 inches in diameter or a bit larger)

2 stalks of celery

2 carrots

8 hot dogs

2 tablespoons of parsley flakes

1 teaspoon of rubbed sage

1 teaspoon of thyme leaves

1 teaspoon rosemary

1 teaspoon garlic powder (granulated… please don’t use garlic dust)

1 tablespoon butter

1 cup milk (or for low-calorie, use half and half)

salt to taste

Here’s what must be done:

1 – Clean (but don’t peel) the potatoes, dice, throw into a large pot from at least 7 feet away (or closer if you want them in the pot).

& – Cover the potatoes with water and cook till tender; drain but save the broth.

T – Mash the potatoes with butter and milk (I used half and half instead of milk)

9 – Add broth back to desired thickness (a little bit thick is good). You can add more water if you like, but we like it thick.

G – Peel and dice the onions, thinly slice (but do not peel) the carrots, celery, and hot dogs (who peels celery or hot dogs anyway??), then wiggle your hiney a bit in anticipation.

12 – Toss the chopped up stuff into the pot using a 13 foot ramp positioned at a 60 degree angle (you may also simply drop them in). This can be done while singing your favorite Devo song.

Y6 – Simmer on medium / low heat (if it starts bubbling, back the heat off slightly) and stir often while adding sage, garlic, thyme (about a heaping teaspoon of each), rosemary, and LOTS of parsley flakes (about 2 tablespoons of dried) while stirring. Enjoy the aroma and wiggle your eyebrows in a happy and anticipatory manner.

M* – Cover while simmering.

8L – Hey!! Don’t leave this unattended!!! You wanna ruin it?? I mean, you gotta stir often, OK?? Just check it regularly please. Especially make sure your wooden spoon (or whatever your favorite stirring thingy is) scrapes the bottom of the pot while stirring so you don’t get any clingons.

Xs – Salt to taste. Dinner is ready when the carrots and celery are tender.

I must warn you about this food: although “Hot Dog Soup” sounds weird, this stuff is truly delicious and you may have difficulty leaving it alone. I suppose you could call it “Potato Soup With Hot Dogs,” but Mom called it Hot Dog Soup; so obviously that is the correct terminology. It was a simple yet nourishing meal she served to satiate us 4 kids. None of us ever complained when Hot Dog Soup was on the menu. She never taught me how to make it, but I think I got the basics down pretty good. She kept it simple though: I think all she used was potatoes, butter (well probably margarine), milk, hot dogs, onions, and some salt. Fast forward to the present: we’ve had it twice now, and I’m hoping my Lovely Bride will allow one more go around tomorrow. The rest will be frozen for another time. Holy MOLY it’s good!! But you wouldn’t know… you didn’t get any, did you? Nope!! Again I laugh to you.

So go ahead and make some! I double D Dare ya!!

Might want to pay attention to your veggies… especially at night.

Omicron OhNo

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Dunno about youse, but this boy is sick up and fed with the Covid awreddy. Is this crap ever gonna end? SHEESH!! It makes me to barf on the ground. Both me and my Honey Pie are fully vaccinated, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we won’t catch anything. I mean, hey, we just had a nice bout of bronchitis in our house. Thankfully it wasn’t Covid; but holy MOLY it knocked us in the dirt. Now our poor grandson does have Covid; so our scheduled visit for this weekend has been postponed (dang it!!). And I’ve been hearing more and more reports of friends who got the nasty Covid bug.

We don’t want no any omicron, thank you very much. Therefore, our “bubble” just shrank (again) to a very few people who we know are fully vaccinated and free of symptoms. Heavy on the free of symptoms; mind you. My Beautiful Girlfriend already has a lung disease, and we don’t want to know what omicron will do to us. Dr. Fauci was recently quoted as saying that “Omicron, with its extraordinary, unprecedented degree of efficiency of transmissibility, will ultimately find just about everybody.” Is that reassuring or what??

Nope!!

So here we go again. I’m truly grateful to be retired, because there have been numerous times when I picked up some icky microbe at work. We just need to focus on staying safe. Along with washing or sanitizing our hands, we’ve learned more about masks during the course of this pandemic, for example: a) cloth masks are often pretty but ineffective, 4) disposable surgical masks are not as good as we thought, and R) N95 masks are best but no fun to breathe through. We want to stay safe, though, so as of today we’ll be wearing N95 masks in public.

All this omicron stuff is beginning to wear on us, ya know?? Would be fun to go to a rock concert, but no… Would be fun to go to the movies, but no… Would be nice to eat in a restaurant with friends, but not right now. So we support out local restaurant with take out orders and bigger than normal tips. We support the movie makers by streaming their products online. There are lots of cool concerts available on YouTube and also on PBS in the form of Austin City Limits. And the best part of all this isolation is that my Lovely Bride and I are best friends; and we are OK spending a lot of time together. We also know how to venture off to a different part of the house for some space.

I keep trying to remember the saying, “This too shall pass.” Not sure when it’s gonna pass, but I hope it will eventually. Hey, maybe not! Maybe this is what many have called the “new normal.” I pray that is not the case, but if it is, well I’ll just have to roll with it.

In the meantime, I’ll keep reminding myself to go through my Gratitude List each and every day. It’s a very powerful tool that was offered to me by some friends many moons ago. Basically, when my head starts to hurt from all the rotten toe cheese people, places, or things in the world that try to yank my serenity out of my noggin; I recite at least 5 things for which I am grateful. Sometimes I say these out loud to friends or my Sweet Spouse Lady. Sometimes it’s as basic as, “Well I have a safe and warm place to sleep, plenty of food, cars that work, the love of a Beautiful Woman, and so far I still live in a free country.” Then I’ll point out that some folks live under a bridge, and some don’t even have the luxury of any shelter at all. When I focus on the good, life is good. But no omicron for me please.

Thank you.

Well here are some doctors I remember from my childhood. Warning: lots of slapstick!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbsoJ-zXvsE

It’s A Bird!! It’s A Plane!! It’s SOUPERMAN!!

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Before I forget, I’d like to thank our grandson for bestowing upon us a very big hacking bug. He and his younger brother came to spend the weekend with us on December 21. He had a nice cough at that time, but we just figured it was one of those nice colds that kids get from their schoolmates. Shortly after he arrived, we began to feel a little funny. You know, like a cold was trying to invade our bodies. We broke out the zinc lozenges and the probiotic fizzy stuff but alas, within a week the bug not only took root, but evolved into some very nasty bronchitis, which we are still fighting.

My Beautiful Girlfriend was due for a Covid test on December 26, to prepare for an upcoming procedure she had scheduled. When the lady at the desk heard about our hacking and barooping, she sent my Lovely Bride back to the car. Both of us needed a Covid test. Thankfully we were both negative; and yes, we’ve both been vaccinated and boosted. But the barking cough; stubbed ub dozes (clogged snotlockers), and yukka pitoo continued on. She was prescribed antibiotics, some prednizone, and some cough suppressant gel caps. I was prescribed Flonase (which I still like to jokingly pronounce Flay-nose). And of course, the usual recommendations of fluids and rest.

Some of our fluid intake has been herbal tea. Sometimes orange juice (pronounced AH-rinj juice) (I’m from Noo Yawk) (I can’t help it, it still comes out) (OK!! Enough with the parentheses awreddy!!). Otherwise, one of the best remedies for a nasty bug like this is: SOUP. And that’s what we’ve been eating. For dinner: soup. For lunch: soup. Sometimes for breakfast!! SOUP!! Some of it starts as canned soup. Other times I start from scratch. To either I add goodies like garlic (from the garden), rosemary (also from the garden), parsley (yep I grew that too), thyme, onion, maybe some sage. Oh and again from the garden: carrots and most recently the last of the Brussels sprouts.

In years past, this combination of veggies and herbs would kick the nasty affliction’s hiney in a few days. This bug, however proved to be particularly persistent. So back we went to the doctor; and she said to continue what we were doing; and unless there’s a fever there’s nothing more they could do. She did, however, recommend Basque garlic soup. I mentioned I’ve already used some garlic, but she urged us to give this Basque (a region in Spain) type of soup a try.

So home again, home again, jiggety jig; to search for a recipe of soup we could swig.

There were several Basque garlic soup variations on the interwebs; but they all had one important commonality: the recipe used about twice as much garlic as I was using. Mind you, I’m not bashful with garlic when I make my famous “Kenny’s Cold Killin’ Soup.” Never hear of my famous soup? Well it’s mostly famous at my house. Anyway… all the recipes called for an entire bulb of garlic. 8 to 10 cloves!! That would be OK with store-bought garlic I suppose, but the Purple Italian garlic I grow gets really big. I limited my garlic to 5 cloves; which is still probably more than what’s found in store-bought garlic.

I’ve been relying on garlic for many years to smack cold bugs in the bazooky. But during my search for Basque garlic soup, I also wanted a refresher course of garlic’s medicinal properties. Lo and behold, I ran across a study from Penn State University. The study states that allicin, which is a powerful medicinal component of garlic, is activated by chopping or crushing the garlic and allowing it to sit in the open air for 10 minutes.

I never knew!!

I learned something!! Gave me a flashback of when I asked the politically incorrect question of “Hey Ma, how old are you?” She’d reply, “Old enough to know better, young enough to learn, but you’re too dumb to teach me.” This quip was always followed with a twinkle in her eye and a chuckle. I would never tell anyone they’re “too dumb to teach me;” but I’m grateful that I’m “old enough to know better” but young enough to learn. Hopefully I will always remain teachable. Meanwhile; although we’re on the mend; we’ll continue with the herbal teas; OJ (AH-rinj juice); and yes, I’ll be making soup, soup, and more soup.

Perhaps I’ll change my name to… Souperman!!

Time’s Fun..

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My friend Duane had a way with words. When talking about how quickly the years fly past us, he often said, “well you know what frogs say: time’s fun when you’re having flies!” Boy ain’t that the truth. Now that I’m an old fart, I can mention stuff like that to new parents.. “You know, now that you’re a Mom, your life will flash before your eyes. She’s 7 weeks old now, but the day after tomorrow she’ll be asking for the car keys.” I’m pretty sure that anyone who has ever had kids can relate. They grow up almost instantly; or so it seems.

So here we have 2022 on the horizon. Sheesh!! Seems like just last month The Beatles were arriving in the US on the Mayflower!! And they were on TV in glorious black and white!! No cell phones, no personal computers, just crazy stuff like record players and radios!! HOW DID WE EVER SURVIVE??

We did pretty well really. By today’s standards, life seemed much simpler. Communication was much different; because people actually listened to each other rather than texting and talking at the same time. If someone texted while driving in those days, it meant they were writing something while at the wheel. Just as bad an idea as today’s cell phone texting really. Probably even worse! If you crashed, besides all the other owies you could end up with a pencil stuffed way up inside your nostrils!! Anyway, in spite of all the changes in technology; things haven’t really changed much. We just hear about it all much more quickly.

Oh!!  And there were these things called science and facts.   People knew the difference between truth and lies.  And when scientists and doctors warned us about stuff in the interest of our safety; we believed what they said.  We trusted them to give us the real deal; because we knew they really cared about us.

Anyway, rather than bore you with too much “then vs. now” nostalgia or crying about all the woes of the world, I’d like to throw out my newly printed, fresh off the press New Year’s Revolutions that I may or may not try to practice during the upcoming year.  So here they are, and I would strongly encourage all of you to examine these carefully and then run away laughing (or screaming, depending on your mood):

1) Since food is my current drug of choice, I resolve to go to the store and buy it. Well OK, I’ll go to the farmers market a few times too… Oh, and I still have some carrots and German Smooth Kale (fancy talk for wild cabbage) out in the garden; those should be pretty yummy. I’m just gonna eat, OK?

T) This is the year I’m gonna try something different!! I just don’t know what it is yet.

1a) Remember that food thing I was talking about? I really like food. I was wondering if you’d please sign me up for the Pizza of the Week Club.  As a gift, you know… where they bring you fantastic brick oven baked pizza every week.  What??  Nobody does that??

FINE!!  Let’s move on…

9) Do you remember that one time when we said we were gonna do that one really cool thing? Boy that was a great time, wasn’t it? You remember?? Um… neither do I.

Blue) I really need to quit wearing my undies on my head in public.

&) When the robins come back, I will welcome them nicely rather than telling them tasteless jokes like last year.

0#) Did you ever find the term “jelly beans” amusing? Me neither. But I’m determined to discover just where they come from. My experiment for this year’s garden: cross pollinate pole beans with a few jars of strawberry preserves. I’ll keep you informed.

And least but not less:  Here’s a real one.  I’ve already started this really…

pX) I’m going to spend less time on social media (like BookFace) and more time facing actual people in real live social ways while living my life in a state of electronicless bliss.  At least some of the time.  Don’t get me wrong, I love checking in on my friends’ posts on the interwebs.  Unfortunately, however, some folks that I have known and loved are hell bent on embracing conspiracy theories and ignoring truth and science.  Because I love them, I will not “unfriend” them.  Rather, I employ a mental health technique and “unfollow” them.  This allows only friendly vibes to appear on my BookFace feed.  But hey, too much is too much.  I’m pretty good at the too muchness; so less much I think is much better for me than too much muchness.  I’ve encountered folks who think they told me about something and I didn’t hear it; and then they harrumph a little and say, “I messaged you about it on BookFace!!”  Well that makes me feel kinda sad… for them!  Sorry kids, but I’m not gonna allow social media to run my universe.

Just sayin’…

Well I could go on and on, but I’d better stop there I think. Hope you all had a Merry Christmas, and that you have a very Happy New Year. If that greeting is too politically incorrect for you, please just have a Happy Merry and a Joyful Wonderful.

Peace, Love, and Jelly Beans to all, and to all a good night.  And speaking of social media… here’s a little thingy that you can give a loved one who spends too much time with their eyeballs glued to a screen.

One More “Christmas:” A Final Ha-Ha-Holiday Letter For YOU

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Dear Burgerbakers,

It seems like there was a ferocious calcification during much of December, and then there were holidays. They are looming large on the horizon now, but I certainly hope all of you will enjoy the holidays as much as we will. I’ll spend many hours licking the Christmas tree. Often our family will reinvent clothing while sleeping in the snowy ditch that does not even come close to our driveway. Our sump pump drains in there. Every time I would begin to dream of krumkaka, water would bloosh its way into my hair and nostril regions. Needless to say, I have developed a twervous nitch what haves defected my typinggn.

A flock of camels came to our garage and we asked them politely. To stop eating my tools, someone had to go up on the roof and yell with a ferocious growl. No, I didn’t. Mess up that sentence! Mess it up I tell you!! Do you think that just because Santa brought you the brand new macaroni flusher that you have the indecent formula for pie with no armpits? Well I’m here to tell you, that type of attitude will get you into concerts for free.

Actually, the Maine reason I am writing to you is because all of you are who you are, and I am not who you are. This is very good for me, as I am already plenty confused without trying to learn to navigate in all of your houses. Especially when the lights are off and the dog is eating the cat food and hey you please get out of the litter box oh gack you’re eating those stupid cat Tootsie Rolls again.

Oh wait.

That’s what used to happen at my house!!

Oh those were the days when Musky Da Husky’s appetite was not quite satisfied. He’d come out of the utility room, licking his chops. Then I look into his beautiful brown eyes and he looks back as if to say, “What??” At this time I’m pretty sure he’s been having hors d’ouvres from the kitty box. Then, he’ll turn around very nonchalantly and go right back in there, at which time I say very vigorously, “Git outta the poopie box you stupid dog!! NO!!! NO KISSING ME!!! arrrrgggghhhh  Get away with the kaka breath awreddy!! Oh, and ummm… you have litter particles on your nose. Ha ha, I laugh to you!!”  He eventually quit enjoying cat logs; and we miss him terribly.

OK. For real now, I really am truly writing to all of you out there because each and everyone of you are special, and that’s very special to me. So I’m especially writing to wish you all A Happy Merry And Joyful Wonderful; and please don’t leave my mud custard in the basket of fried onion seeds.

I’m very much allowed to write all this because we have get to have more than one “Christmas” to celebrate with twinkling earlobes this year.  After all the sell abrasives, we can use the chainsaw to fizzle the brand new naturally flavored artificial Christmas tree with Liberty and Justice for All.

But none of this is your fault. If it was, I would feel no need to reprimand you for that silly incident with the very loud flatulence last Tuesday in the grocery store.

So as you can see, I’m in real need of pickled herring resistance. Please send lots of money and an oversized piece of rare cheese to:

Amblenern Frammizackton
45U7 Odor Oh No
Gibbik, Larbonia 29&z1

Thanks, and may all your tweezers function properly.

Gibble Dee Boo,

Ken Arbelgarben
a.k.a. Mr. Toast-On-A-Stick

P.S.:  Peace, Love, and Hugs to You ALL!!

And now for one of our very favorite cartoons for this time of year.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOIkxCh0y0U